Yes, I'm fully aware I disappeared. Sorry. Not my fault. Well it kind of is but not intentionally.
Within these days, my Junior year ended, my closest friends in the Class of 2009 graduated and I went on a whirlwind adventure thousands of miles from home.
First, the last day of my Junior year. It didn't feel like the last day of school, at least until I went into the band hall and saw at least 40 Seniors clustered into packs, crying their eyes out. Honestly, I felt for them but scrambled for the door. It wasn't until I was in the car with my mom that I remembered my band banquet was that night... and I had somehow managed to get hold of a date... and I had a dress I'd been fretting over for weeks in my closet. So I got home, and got dressed, and fixed my hair, and called my date. I arrived at the reception hall to see my date, my old forgotten ex-turned-friend, Sam. He moved a few years back and I hadn't physically seen him in quite a long time, and to be honest I wouldn't have recognized him if he passed me in the street. He hit a major growth spurt and was not at about 6 feet, gained muscle from football and now had bleached blond hair as a result from the constant exposure to chlorinated water that only comes from being on the swim team. I lucked out. This good looking, nice guy was taking me to my band banquet and Alex was dateless according to the rumor mill.
Then things got complicated. At my banquet, Sam opened the door for me, then went to get me a drink... total gentleman. That is, until he reached for my hand and interlocked his fingers, couple style. I looked at him, and he smiled back. Stupidly, I went along with it. The entire night he held my hand, held me like my boyfriend on the dance floor and even wrapped his arms around me when we sat down. All this was fine and dandy except... well... I'm single and I haven't seen you in forever! Once I got home, I fell asleep completely confused.
The next morning, I finally got the guts to ask him if he was just having fun or he still had feelings for me... He then told me it was a mix of both. Then Sam has the nerve to tell me about his girlfriend- whom he was "on break" with. Sure I may be single and a bit lonely but I am not stupid. I told him not to call me until he made up his mind. So he left it at that, and didn't call me. Good thing too.
Now for graduation... in my 3 years of playing at graduation with the band, no ceremony has ever been quite as unconventional as this year's graduation. Personally, I was very attached to the class of 2009, so it was only fitting that this year's ceremony was different. The salutatorian cried, the Valedictorian ( a friend of mine since Junior High) quoted Al Pacino in his speech and it made me laugh. I cheered for every single one of my friends and I went hoarse shortly after. Mostly though, I cried. I cried and smeared my eyeliner on their burnt orange gowns. I cried and took pictures and hugged them to death. Then I went home and packed my bags.
I got home around midnight (mostly due to horrible traffic, a given in a small town with two high schools) and made my last minute packing adjustments. I ended up waking up around 4, only to come back to the band hall . Me along with about 50 band kids braved the early morning and boarded a bus to California. Oh, did I mention Alex and his mom were on the bus too? Yeahhh... fun stuff...
The first 24 hours were difficult. I can only assume that a flight would have been more comfortable because sleeping in subzero air conditioning temperatures in a cramped seat without the ability to change into my pajamas. I did though, get my very first Hollister shirt when the band stopped in El Paso, Texas for a shopping break. I did, though, get peace. You have no idea how blissful it is to lose cell phone reception and see the sun set in New Mexico. THAT was beautiful.
Also, somewhere between the freaky time change from Central to Pacific , I developed time change insomnia, resulting me in staying awake for the long ride through Arizona. I looked out the window to mountain silhouettes, inspiring the heavy thinking that only comes with lack of sleep. I thought about everything in that ride through Arizona. I thought about Alex, about Sam, about myself and everything that had happened to me in the past year. I thought and contemplated and after what seemed like forever, I finally fell asleep.
For the extent of my 5 day trip, I did some fun stuff and some unbelievable stuff. I ate a grand slam at a California Denny's where I got ripped off $5 for a glass of orange juice. I ventured Disneyland like a little kid and got two tattoos. (Temporary, dummy! I'm still not 18!) Out of the unbelievable? I enjoyed the second day at Disneyland with Alex's mom. Yes, it was awkward when you think of the idea of me spending the day vacationing with my ex 's mother but in reality it was fun. We're both natural conversationalists so there was never a quiet awkward moment. Surprisingly enough, when Alex did come up in the conversation, I didn't freak or go quiet. I was actually enjoying the stories she was telling me of Alex and Andrew as kids. I guess it's just easier to imagine your ex as a kid rather than a fully blown semi-mature/semi-immature jerk. I don't care how much I hate him. Imagining Alex as a little boy brings a smile to my face. And to top it off, I later found out from my friends on the trip that he was bitching and nagging the entire time about how I killed his vacation and how it was so uncool to be hanging with his mom. So I gave him a break; I hung out on my own with my friends in LA.
On the last day in California, the band ate on the famous Boardwalk on the Santa Monica pier. The coastline was absolutely beautiful, and I had never even seen a real ocean shore before in my life. I was simply at peace. That is, until I went to clean up and go put on my shoes on before getting on the Boardwalk. I sat at the edge of the lifeguard station (they were off duty) to go put on my Converse. I gazed at the sunset and saw David. I waved; he glared at me, gave me a horrid, angry look and walked off, leaving me alone. Once he left, I cried. It was at that moment that I felt so lonely. While I realized that I miss what he used to be, I need to respect myself. I need to be on my own two feet and not crawling on my two knees.
The last day of my adventure was spent in Las Vegas. I got my portrait drawn by an amazing artist and got my final tattoo of a butterfly with stars. Then, after watching the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur (great show, btw... you've gotta watch it if you're ever in Vegas) I bought myself a ring that resembles a princess's crown as a final reminder that my prince charming might come my way someday. (Yes, it's cheesy. I'm aware of it but whatever works)
And just like that, my week away was over and done with. I ended up falling asleep on the bus's FLOOR and woke up in New Mexico. While it sucked that things turned sour, I was pretty glad that I'm free until I arrived home at 3 AM local time. When I got off the bus, I was greeted by Alex's dad, and pretty cheerfully too, considering it was 3AM and I resembled Morticia Addams in pink plannel pajamas when I got off the bus. He smiled and offered to give me a ride home but when I told him that my mom was already waiting for me, he offered to carry my luggage to the car. I would have totally taken hi up on his offer, given the bloated state of my suitcase and the 10 plastic shopping bags I had in my hands but I saw the peeved, irritated and 3-in-the-morning-cranky-face that Alex had and I politely declined. Yes I'm free but I'm not stupid. I can do things myself. Alex's mom was smiling, Alex's dad was smiling... everyone except me and Alex. If I haven't said it once, I'll say it again, I am free.; I am free for the rest of the summer. The rest of it is mine... all mine and I can't wait for the rest of my journey.
As always, some days being single are empowering... others defeating. As every broken heart can tell you, it's a groeing process.
Sorry it's long but hey... I was gone for 14 days. =]
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Jen, you have been become a tad bit crazier since i last checked. You dated "Alex" for approximately four months and you've continued to dwell on this "breakup" for seven months! please...Shut your fucking trap. The internet is ridden with emotional head cases blogging away about their problems; it doesn't need another one. I would understand if this "alex" was your husband and left you with a kid, but he didn't. Stop acting like its the end of the world Jen. You're better than this. Im not going to lie, you are pretty wierd, but you've got a good head. Stop being stupid, move on, you're still young, this is all stupid. Grow up and realize the world isn't a novela.
By the way,
this is "Andrew"
Grow up and work on your social skills. much love