Day 58

Songs I've been Listening to TONS lately:

"We Might as Well be Strangers"- Keane
"Keeper"- Yellowcard
"Go On"- Jack Johnson
"Miss You Love"- Maria Mena
"I'm Still Here"-Vertical Horizon


I'm fearing that everything is starting to sound a bit repetitive.
No.
I know I sound repetitive; I've been reading my past entries and it's obvious that I'm wearing thin, repeating the same points time and time again... I miss him but I don't miss him. What's happened to me? It's obvious that I'm not at peace with the outcome of Alex and I (Would you be?) Honestly, the only thing that's come of this event is that I've discovered my strengths and weaknesses...my mind in sanity and dementia... and the music that's come my way.
That's my only consolation. I've rediscovered music out of the want to shut out everything in my life. It's that and completely different standards and junctions define me now. But in a way, I've rediscovered music simply because I've fallen into the habit of blocking out the world with a pair of white headphones and my purple iPod. I've finally ventured out of the swoon-head-over-heels happiness that comes with love songs... the rut I developed when with Alex that he mocks to this day whenever he sees me with my iPod. I've traded Jessica Simpson, some Michael Buble and Miley Cyrus for the lyrical wordplay of Keane, Motion City Soundtrack, Train, Vertical Horizon and Friendly Fires. Then as always, there's the perpetual presence of Switchfoot, my favorite band. I've deleted almost every song that reminded me of Him, for the exception of the songs I loved before he came along. I've become obsessed with the discovery of lyrics... I take words so seriously now. It's obvious I've changed.
Six months ago, I was so happy and carefree. I believed happiness was a permanent state. Now, while I believe happiness does exist still, I see it as a privilege that shouldn't be taken for granted. People should also never be taken for granted. I've become a serious introvert, meditating every night now and heavily focus on mending my own wounds. I'm trying to make sense of everything... still... after 58 days. I'm writing again in heavy and exhaustive concentrations. I'm trying to figure myself out, hold myself together, promising that there's no such thing as being completely alone.

Ha. "There's no such thing as being completely alone..." I hope that sinks in eventually because I need it to.