Day 33

I've just discovered Alex took me off his friends on myspace. I didn't even know, nor did I think he would. It just became known to me today after who knows how long it may have happened. In a way I feel like such an idiot for thinking me and him could have so much happen and still expect for us to be friends. We were incredibly close before we started dating and were really close as a couple. It just seems odd to me that he can be so unattached after everything both he and I have undergone and just leave me with no answers. Just a burned down bridge for no hope on his part to speak to me ever again. Was I really so horrible of a person to just be left without a word? I try to talk to him as a friend, he ignores me. I attempt to wish him a Happy Birthday and he walks away like I'm not there. I give him a chance despite thinking he wasn't my type, and he proves me right.
Maybe it's better this way, just to be given a silent treatment but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. There was so much left in me and where I wanted my relationship to go. There still is so much left of me, just no one to share it with.
The day of my accident, I sat in the emergency room, saying nothing. My stepdad stood by my mom, leaving work and everything for her. I sat alone, absorbed in my own thoughts. I felt like crying the entire time, not because of the accident and the fact that I wasn't breathing right but instead because I knew that even if anyone knew where I was right at that moment, no one was going to rush to my side. Especially not the person I thought I knew. I loved the old Alex. Not the new one who's full of his brother's mannerisms, his new ego, and his freedom of me. The old one who made me happy and admitted he wasn't perfect. The one who I could call at 3AM when I had nightmares and would sing me to sleep when I was tired and couldn't sleep. It was in that emergency room that I discovered that I'm not only hurt and wistful for my past but also exposed, alone and vilnerable. I have friends who insist that I forget about him, that he was never good for me and that people do care about me. I don't deny that any of that is true but it's hard to forget he was just so good to me and it's hard to believe that any friend could fill the special place he earned. He's changed, it's that simple. He's not the same and will never be the same. I am not the same.
I'm living in photographs right now and I've fallen for somebody that has the possibility of being something, except the timing is wrong. He's about to start a new phase in his life and I don't want to hold him back. We both agree that maybe we can give this a try later, and that's what's best. This has nothing to do with Alex and thankfully it doesn't.
I guess you could say I'm in the stage of my life where I'm over it but still living in happy memories. I can't deny they happened, no matter what anyone says. I'm holding on to the happiness, not the person. I'm over the idea of Alex ever being my boyfriend. I'm just not over the idea that there may never be a guy to sing me to sleep ever again, or move the hair out of my face to see my eyes. Could any girl ever get used to that idea?

Day 31

Okay, things have happened.

1] I've survived a month of being without him.
2] I was in an auto accident yesterday. Nothing serious like a totaled car but my mom got some pretty bad whiplash and I still can't breathe without wheezing.
3] Today is Alex's birthday. I tried to with the fucker a Happy Birthday and he ignored me. Again... fucker.
4] I've fallen for Andrew (not Alex's brother)
5] He likes me too but we're not going out. It's too soon.

The funny thing is, I just discovered I have readers and I'm not a rambling idiot. Also, I've got Regionals tomorrow. I've got to studyyyy....

Well, until another day.
Jen

Day 21

It's the day after Easter, and to be honest, I felt like the holiday was taking two steps back. After nights of not being able to sleep and waking up with horrible insomnia, I realized that I was supposed to spend the holiday with Alex and his family. I ended up stranded at my house still not with my own family but my stepdad's clan who really doesn't give a flying rat's ass about me, mostly because I never bothered with the family-like cultural diffusion when my mom remarried and introduced me to them. I saw no need to be diffused when I got isolated into a new territory anyways.
My close friends Victor and Sonia came by to visit though, and it pretty much made my day.Victor's mom lets him go cruising now, so thankfully he came by my house to save me for just a few moments. The one highlight I had besides their surprise visit is the one person who's come to save me over the past few weeks. His name is (ironically enough) Andrew, just like Alex's brother. These two are total opposites though. Alex's brother (thus labeled as Andrew2) is a total.... jerk. Andrew1 is soooo much nicer. He lives really far from where I do, sadly. We met at a drum corps competition last summer, and slowly became friends. Had he not called me during Easter, I probably would've been dying of isolation.
Which leaves me with today. I could not sleep. Again. I've tried everything but I can't bring my body to sleep, much less think and relax. When I do fall asleep though, I wake up to my iPod headphones wrapped around my neck, almost as if attempting to strangle me. Yes. I need a good strangling in the morning. Now I really miss sleep. My friends have all attempted to set me up on blind dates, to meet people and to get back out there. One even offered to set me up with their cousin who lives in Mexico. Mexico! I say it's too soon. I'm just beginning to get used to being alone again. (Well, not really but I'm more comfortable with the term than before) Besides, there's someone on my mind already but my head is arguing constantly about the subject. I want to like him but I also don't want to for fear of setting myself up. Maybe this is what's keeping me up at night. No matter what, I'm adamant: No dating. Not right now. The closest I will get to dating is prom (taking a friend that I've yet to find: Long story) or this new person of interest, may he like me too. (I hope.)
It's tough to start all over again, even more so when you don't want to but have to do something with your life. I can't stay moody and morose forever but.... I still have a hard time admitting the good times are going and that I'm flat out single. I'm at least admitting it now, not like two weeks ago where I was incredibly close to changing my status to "in a relationship" again because I thought the computer was glitched. All I can say at this point is: Now what?

Day 15

Yesterday would have been my 5 month anniversary. And on the eve of that, I began the first of two nights with Alex in my dreams. I talked with Alex more in those two nights of dreams than in two weeks of silence and do you know what's even worse? I don't miss him conciously anymore but these dreams make me think otherwise. Now I understand John Mayer: "when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." I still care for him sadly, and to be honest, I'm at war with myself about it.
This all began on the 4th. I advanced to Regional competition at the District academic meet, the first to do so in my event and 1 of 5 in my high school. And I would have never made it that far (despite 3 years of hard work and a long history with the academics community) if I were still with Alex. 5 months and I didn't improve of progress in anything. I was incredibly happy but did I move forward? Nope. Not as far as my credits show and two weeks of being free and I advance to Regionals, with a possibility for state.
As much as I know that he's not good for me and as much as I know that I can do so much better, subconciously, I still want him back. Conciously, I've moved on. I'm playing the field, meeting new people, texting profusely even, possibly making a connection. Now if only I could move my subconcuious mind to the idea. If anything, there's someone I really like now, who I liked before Alex and tried to convince myself I could forget during Alex but now that's he's here for me now through this whole process it makes me want to say something (finally) after months. But then there's my inner mind telling me not to and to hold out for Alex. Damnit.

Day 11

Alex thinks I'm stalking him. No joke. I wish it were a joke. Apparently, because I've been seeing him everywhere (something I really don't want right now) and have tried to make casual conversation when I do see him in order to rebuild the friendship, he's gone balistic. Let this much be known (and made very clear) to the world. I am not stalking him! I am attempting to move on with my own life and trying to piece everything back together.
I happen to live in a small community with a population of 23,413 people. (an estimated 2,000 is the size of my student body) I've also made it clear that I'm a member in tons of clubs and along with my classes, my commute around campus is pretty hectic. Everyone tends to see me at least once or twice in the day and I've got perfect attendance too to top it off (because God forbid any chaos happen if I'm absent) It's no secret that I've got tons of crap to do and I don't have any time for stalking, much less eating and sleeping! Just because I see him in band and see him around campus and casually say hi every now and then does not make me a stalker! I also hate to sound concited but how important can you think you are to have your ex stalk you? As hurt as I am, I don't have much time to dwell on it. My district academic meet is today, Band is competing next week, Mariachi next month, and then I've got to finalize my summer plans, fundraising for the Junior Class trip, look for a job, focus of SAT's and finals, look for scholarships... the list goes on and on and to be honest, "stalking Alex" is not on that list.
Other than that, the healing process is getting better. I'm talking to other people now and am close to getting a date to prom (I think its a bit awkward for a girl to ask a guy to the prom so I'm going to hold out just a bit, then ask him.) My myspace isn't so depressing and I finally had the strength to delete the saved text messages on my phone. I miss them but why dwell on it?