Day 62

Last night was the beginning of some meteorological irony. Just as I was about to go to sleep (or try to at least) it started to rain. Hard. Pouring, thundering, never-going-to-get-you-to-sleep rain. I basically stayed in bed, not able to sleep, thus resulting me to think. And of recent times, every time I'm left alone to think, I think of how I've been left alone. It's pretty bad but right now I'm in no mood to be fully cheery in the "Mary Poppins" way. I can't get myself through that. I've got bigger tasks at hand, like my auditions for drum major. By the looks of it, here's the breakdown (and sorry if I confuse any non-band readers }:)

1 I 've got to play my 12 major scales (by memory) on the sax.
2 I have to create my own custom drill with 12 people in it.
3 I have to create my on fancy shmancy drum major drill.
4 I have to conduct in 4/4, 3/4 , 2/4 and to a song I've never heard before.

It's been a bunch of tedious work but i'm not out of the woods yet. I'll be there soon enough. I just hope things go well.
In the mean time, for the record could everyone around me today PLEASE not bring up Alex today? It's pissing the hell out of me!!!

Day 61... AGAIN

Well, I should've seen this coming. Really I should have. But I didn't. And now I feel stupid. INCREDIBLY stupid. Alex did the most incredibly immature thing, not to mention the last thing I needed. He quit my drill. Right before my performance at my band's Jazz/Mariachi showcase. Right before I was about to sing. I tried to shrug it off but before I knew it I was tearing up, not because HE quit but because I needed 12 people... he was my 12th person. I've put up with WAAAAAYYY too much of his SHIT to have him do this to me. I've worked too hard and come too far to let him ruin it. I swear, I'd give him a big yelling and probably lose over 2 weeks of frustration in 5 seconds with my temper but he's not worth it. I will not let this get in my way.
I am NOT going to let him win.
Yes, I'm hurt and set back a bit but I'm not going to give up. I've found someone to replace him and I WILL do my best. I've got to. This isn't about him anymore. I'm doing this for myself. To hell with him.

Day 61

I'm so close to my day of Definition.
May 28th, 2009
The day of drum major auditions.

I'm scared shitless. Really I am. I haven't had a full practice in the weeks before.
I want this, I really do but right now things are getting tough. It's the part of the challenge when everything is getting tough, but at the same time I'm finding out what I'm made of. Alex, is making this worse. TOTALLY worse. I tried asking (for what seems like the millionth time) if he could please focus on the task at hand and not disrupt my practices. He stated (being the asshole he is) that he's messing with me because it's funny and I'm his prime target right now. GAHHH!!!
I'm only a few days away from being able to actually do something about it (though I swear, my patience and sanity are wearing horribly thin right now) I know I can do this and I know that I've got the skills but right now I need a miracle and being single isn't helping. Especially when my ex is purposely making things difficult.
I'm going to keep fighting though. I can't give up so close to my goal. If I can survive this week then I can do anything. I'm a fighter. I should be. I need to be.


On a positive note, I found this quote by Katy Perry from Perez Hilton.com:

"I don't like being single, no. I live this fantastic life, full of all these magical things, and at the end of the day all I want to do is pick up my phone and share it with someone. The other day I'd sold a million records in the U.S. and I didn't have anyone to tell. It was actually a really lonely moment."

That's kind of what i'm feeling right now. Amen, Katy. Amen. Let's continue to be successful but at the same time, let's hope someone amazing comes our way. (:

Day 58

Songs I've been Listening to TONS lately:

"We Might as Well be Strangers"- Keane
"Keeper"- Yellowcard
"Go On"- Jack Johnson
"Miss You Love"- Maria Mena
"I'm Still Here"-Vertical Horizon


I'm fearing that everything is starting to sound a bit repetitive.
No.
I know I sound repetitive; I've been reading my past entries and it's obvious that I'm wearing thin, repeating the same points time and time again... I miss him but I don't miss him. What's happened to me? It's obvious that I'm not at peace with the outcome of Alex and I (Would you be?) Honestly, the only thing that's come of this event is that I've discovered my strengths and weaknesses...my mind in sanity and dementia... and the music that's come my way.
That's my only consolation. I've rediscovered music out of the want to shut out everything in my life. It's that and completely different standards and junctions define me now. But in a way, I've rediscovered music simply because I've fallen into the habit of blocking out the world with a pair of white headphones and my purple iPod. I've finally ventured out of the swoon-head-over-heels happiness that comes with love songs... the rut I developed when with Alex that he mocks to this day whenever he sees me with my iPod. I've traded Jessica Simpson, some Michael Buble and Miley Cyrus for the lyrical wordplay of Keane, Motion City Soundtrack, Train, Vertical Horizon and Friendly Fires. Then as always, there's the perpetual presence of Switchfoot, my favorite band. I've deleted almost every song that reminded me of Him, for the exception of the songs I loved before he came along. I've become obsessed with the discovery of lyrics... I take words so seriously now. It's obvious I've changed.
Six months ago, I was so happy and carefree. I believed happiness was a permanent state. Now, while I believe happiness does exist still, I see it as a privilege that shouldn't be taken for granted. People should also never be taken for granted. I've become a serious introvert, meditating every night now and heavily focus on mending my own wounds. I'm trying to make sense of everything... still... after 58 days. I'm writing again in heavy and exhaustive concentrations. I'm trying to figure myself out, hold myself together, promising that there's no such thing as being completely alone.

Ha. "There's no such thing as being completely alone..." I hope that sinks in eventually because I need it to.

Day 55, just like I promised

Well, here I am again, just a couple of hours later.

Today I have my band concert, and it gives me a chance to get a day off. Good timing too. I just got my scores back from the ever dreaded Exit level final exams (the ones that determine if I graduate) I'm happy to say that I passed with flying colors., even the dreaded math.

However, everything in my life: The exit level scores, band, trying out for drum major, summer, exc... keeps reminding me of him. And honestly, I feel like I'm missing something. One of my friends says they sense a connection still there. To me it just seems like there's something he didn't tell me. I mean, we have our moments where it's like nothing happened and we're still friends. Almost like before when I was happy. But when both he and I realize what's going on, we go back to our affairs of divorcees and go back to silence.

I hate this but I'm also realistic. I'm tired of wishing that we could go back to what we had but it's not going to happen....
I have to keep telling myself that him and me getting back together is not going to happen.
Why do I want him back?
I need to keep my head high and be mature about this. It makes no sense to wish a guy back. Especially when you're in high school. It's almost immature.

...


Then why am I praying for things to go back to the way they were?!?! TELL ME GOD WHY?!?!
It's not like he's going to hear me, and it's not like he wants me back.

Day 55

Well, I haven't been in much of a mood to write but let me update you on the current atmosphere of how things are going.
1) Drum major practice is a pain. Having Alex in my drill is a necessary evil. When he wants to behave, he's disciplined, brilliant and pretty focused. When he doesn't however (which has been most of my rehearsals) he's immature, unfocused and a downright pain. Even odder, his mom offered to bring an entire cooler of water for all the people helping me out. How can his parents be so civil and amazing and yet he can't??

Ugh.. The bell rang. Later today. I promise.

Day 48

Prom was this past Saturday.
Today was shitty.
I woke up Sunday morning with a sore throat, and now I'm at home with a fever and feeling as sick as fuck. It is NOT the swine flu, I'm positive. But I still feel sick. In comes the loneliness, the emptiness I've been feeling since prom. Now prom was fun and I hung out with my friends like old times but I couldn't help but think that Alex might have actually been there and that's where it hit me. As much as I like Andrew and as much as I thought I'd moved on, I still miss Alex. Both are great guys and both of them decided that it just wasn't going to work with me. It's a complicated feeling to miss two people, one more particularly because of the void they left. This leaves me a bit sad but I'll just have to deal with it.
I had to deal with it today when I had my first drum major practice and half of my marchers didn't show up. I'm glad the other half did but it's hard to control a group when your throat is so sore, your losing your voice. I yelled with intensity, battled the 103 Texas heat and practiced with what I had but now I'm tired, weakened and without a voice. I also had to ask Alex to be in my drill. As much as I didn't want to, he's a quick learner and can concentrate. What surprised me even more was that he actually answered my call and didn't hang up on me... and he agreed he'd be in my drill. Well that's that. I've got to set aside heartache and work strictly buisness this week and next week. I want this so bad, that I've got to keep fighting. Past being sick, past working with the one who broke my heart and past all my boundaries. Even if I don't get it, I can say I gave it everything. Now I just need to see what's going on with Andrew... he hasn't answered my calls today. The friend thing is working, even though I still like him. Hopefully it gets better over time. Well for me at least...

Day 44

The Jury has contemplated and reached a decision, and I've decided that I'm going to live through this. I have to. I've got too much on my mind to suddenly decide to drop everything and be miserable.

In spite of everything and a near brush with ineligibility, I am in the running for Marching Band Drum Major.









That's the person. ^^ The requirements have changed since last year, thus enabeling me to audition this year. I met every single requirement with flying colors. But still. I can't believe it. Three years ago and I was worried about getting a spot. Now I'm worrying about trying out for Drum Major. In a way, it reminds me of when me and Alex began everything but I won't let it. I'm going to try out for drum major ^^

Day 43 [Written 5/6/09]

Now for the most part, you may be wondering what’s been going on since yesterday. Frankly, I don’t even think I’m sure of it myself. I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Maybe then I’ll figure out what’s going on.
Remember Andrew, the amazing guy who lives way too far from me? Remember how I developed feelings for him and how he felt the same way too? Well a few days ago, he brought up the possibility of wanting to call me his girlfriend but he was still unsure. He told me he’d think about it. Right then and there I got incredibly excited. I mean, Andrew’s this incredibly amazing guy, even if he does live so far away. He’s somebody I’d actually set aside everything for and try to work on the whole long distance thing.
So for the next few days, we both started thinking about how to make this work. Don’t’ get me wrong, I was thinking through this whole process pretty hard. I’ve been terrified since Alex yet hopeful too. He was flip flopping between saying yes out of the reason that I was different, yet saying no because of the fact that he was going to college in the fall and because of the 5 hour distance between us. He finally asked me, “I know what I want but I have to be logical. What do you want?” I made a foolish mistake. I really wanted him to stay by my side, and make this work. I wanted him to hold on. I thought he might actually be the one person to actually hold on to me. Instead I said, “Yes, I’d love it if we were together but I understand your reason for just wanting to stay friends. Right there I felt everything change and I knew I lost him. I felt everything warp in that instant. I wanted him, yes, but didn’t put up a fight. I lost.
The next day, after a stressful day which involved being heckled by Alex’s older brother while on assignment for the newspaper and scoring a 4 out of 5 on my AP mock exam, he confirmed what I already knew was going to happen. He said he reached a decision and it was that we should remain friends. “It’s better this way, after all… besides I needed a really close friend who’s a girl.”
I’m still pretty torn up about it but somehow made him think I wasn’t. He thinks I’m perfectly okay with this. I’m not, really but I’ll get over it. Maybe… at least I still have him as a friend. I haven’t lost him completely but I’m fed up with not being good enough for a relationship. Sure, it was the distance that’s to blame for us not being together or even getting close to trying but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just don’t want to tell him how really hurt I am. Then he’ll feel sorry for me and guilty. Nothing ruins a friendship like pity; this was for the best after all, but I’m just hurt.
Alex still isn’t talking to me, despite my attempts to lighten the situation and show that I’m over everything really. But right now I don’t feel like talking to anybody. I’ve been silent most of today, and my cell phone is dead after a long battle of trying to survive me constantly dropping it so I don’t think I’ll be able to talk to Andrew today. The only thing that’s possibly heard more than a few forced sentences today has been my mind, thinking and remembering how almost 2 months ago, I was feeling the hurt just like this. I guess the wounds are reopened again but it’s not a specific hurt, just a general hurt. It’s another lost chance to be happy, another sense of optimism that ends in disappointment. It’s ironic how trying to be optimistic ends in my disappointment while my angst and hurt end in an unexpected happily-ever-after. Maybe in a few days, while I wait to get a new phone, I can mull things over and try to get myself together before I can be friends with Andrew but right now, silence is exactly what I need. I want everyone to go away. The jury’s in recess. Won’t be back for a while. Jury needs to assess the need for someone to prevent isolation while in isolation. It makes no sense but maybe nothing makes sense for a reason.

Day 42 (again)

Read the previous post before you read this...

I'll tell you this much though. I feel defeated. It's a long story but Slowly I can feel everything slipping. I don't like it. Not at all. For once it has nothing to do with Alex. Believe me, it doesn't.

Day 42

Okay... it's convenient how the world chooses to collapse when I'd least like it to.
Today I've had disaster after disaster thrown at me. The school year's wrapping up but still no sign of final exams yet. The only thing that really shows any signs of end-of-year is the posters of people begging for votes for Prom court. That and the chaos of the final issue of the school newspaper, The Herald. My school newspaper. The one that is driving me nuts. I'm pulling last minute interviews, photos and other supposedly nostalgic crap out of a hat trying to make this Senior issue happen. It's not even my Senior year and I'm trying to make this happen. Grr...

There's a bunch of other stuff on my mind beyond that. Stuff I need to really think about but am trying not to over analyze. When I do, I tend to convince myself the worst and I'm really beginning to hate my negative thinking. I really need alot of time to explain everything, to type in print (mainly so I can alalyze the situation myself with my own two eyes) but right now that's what I don't have. Time.
More later...

Day 40

I finally have my first full, free weekend in almost 3 months. No plans, no events. Just lounging in my pj's with my curly hair in my face and a lack of eyeliner. It's nice to be at home with no engagements. I took the chance to clean up my myspace as well as my email.

I discovered I had at least 28 pages of messages from at least last year in my inbox and tons of messages, comments, and pictures from Alex that I haven't had time to delete. I looked over each one and got this pang of a flashback with each one. No sadness, just flashback. Now it's just like, "Oh yeah... I remember that."

I guess you could say what I'm feeling is alot like the song "Never Let You Go" by Third Eye Blind. I've considered that my favorite song of all time since I was about 7 when I first heard it in a hospital waiting room when my grandpa got sick. I've spent alot of my life's moments of revelation in hospital waiting rooms and that was no different. I discovered the song, loved the funny words and it's been stuck in my head since then. Now almost ten years later, I actually looked up the lyrics in written form for the first time and realized what they meant. The song is about a relationship that's no more and life keeps moving forward. In the end, it just becomes a memory in a book and the sting is what makes life better when you think about it. Talk about story of my life sometimes.

Let's be honest: based on me reading back at my past entries, some days are good and I feel like myself. Other days are not so good and I feel alone. The only consistent thought that remains is that I know I'm better without Alex in my life. I do not want to go back to him. I can't because that just means never moving forward. I've fallen for someone so much better than that who's just beyond words. Andrew just adds to my life. Despite the fact that we're not dating, I have a hunch that things would be different if we didn't live so far apart. Even then, he puts a different type of smile on my face. I don't have to try to be anything. I can be myself, vulnerable flawed and all. We can talk for hours a day, weeks on end and not run out of anything to talk about. He's something else... and here I was trying to convince myself that I was imagining that he liked me too.

But even then, meeting someone isn't why I'm happy. I'm happy because I can be myself again. I don't have to be afraid of stepping on eggshells, trying to avoid anything. I don't have to be something I'm not. I'm me again. This summer, I'm going to move with the flow, take no chances and be free. Free... I've been tied down for so long I forgot what that was. Now I can try again, and stop caring about perfection for one second. I'm liberated, even if I have my ups and downs everyday. Moving on is a process. I'm still not out just yet. I know that. But hopefully, this means I'm getting close.

Day 38

Well, I discovered 2 things in the last week.

1) Alex doesn't give a damn if I graduate and it's not his problem if I don't pass my Math final.
2) Alex's brother no longer respects him as a human being and refuses to acknowledge him.

The first I learned when I got incredibly desperate and panicked about my Math final. So desperate, in fact, I asked him for help. He was the only person who ever explained math to me well, and Math's always been my weakness. He litterally told me that in his own words. I'm more pissed and angry than anything, not so much hurt anymore. I mean, I'd help him if he asked for anything. I'm not an ass like him. I ended up taking my test and even though it was a major headache (quite litterally) I'm positive I did my best. My fate however depends on the Education Gods.

The second I found out during lunch. A friend of mine who has class with Alex's brother told me the whole story. I have now discovered the reason for our spilt. All I can say is... THANK GOD. Who knows who I may have become or how trapped I would've been if I stayed with him.

Now to me personally... I've just been hit with the reality of how hard I've fallen for Andrew, the guy I met through band. I called him this morning... and just hearing him groggy yet happy to hear my voice brightened the rest of my day. We're not going out... wrong timing. But it's nice to know I can smile again.

Unitl later readers...
(Oh, btw. I fixed the comment posting. Anyone can comment now. Sorry if it took so long!!)