Okay, everything should be on order. I fixed most of the kinks and successfully updated the layout.
If there's anything else wrong, email me.

<3 Jen

Yet another maintenence check.

Sorry folks.
Dumpee Diaries will be going through another maintenance upgrade today. I'll be revamping the layout and fixing some things so be patient if the layout looks funny.

-Jen.

I hate Firefox

Sorry for no new updates. My Firefox browser hasn't working great. For some reason my blog URL would load but Blogger wouldn't work at all so I haven't been able to get into my server. Anyways, that problem got fixed today. I've got another post almost ready for publication coming up soon.

Sorry about the problems.

-Jen

And so the nightmares began...

I'm getting worse. I don't know where to begin. All I can say is... he came back.

Alex came back and he came to see me. I wasn't even sure my eyes were working properly, but there he was for me to see. His hair still stood up the same way, his cologne still smell as inviting as I had remembered it to be and somehow he'd gotten taller. Still, he was the same Alex. His eyes looked somber and upsetting as his gazed locked with mine. Even after all this time, it dawned on me why I had missed him for so long. His eyes seemed to whisper, "I miss you too." After months of tossing and turning and crying and praying and attempting to forget, I knew. I wasn't alone. He was suffering like me too.

We faced each other in silence, the same somber eyes mirroring each other in identical reflections. He blinked , swallowed and said, "I'm back", his voice calloused and hoarse. The tip of my bottom lip quivered under the weight of words unspoken. Oh how I'd longed to say so many things.
"Where were you?"
"Lost, he said. "Now I'm back. I'm not leaving anymore." He tucked his hands in his pockets, sighed and proceeded to look at the grown, almost as if he felt guilty.
Silence.
Anything could have moved in the room; the world could have stopped turning and World War III could have broken loose and neither he nor i would have noticed. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. Maybe, just maybe I'd even forgotten how to speak. No matter how hard I tried to raise my voice, to admonish him for everything I had suffered, words failed me.
He looked up slowly and returned my curious gaze. Alex then reached for my hand. I cautiously moved my hand back. He hesitated for a second, almost as if he was scared too. "It's okay," he said slowly. "I promise I'm not going anywhere."
Our fingers intertwined and suddenly the world made sense again. From his hand I immediately jumped into his arms. Tears ran from my face. I sobbed and placed my head on his chest, breathing in the smell of his cologne.
"I missed you, so much, " I sobbed. He kissed my forehead.
"Me too," he whispered in my ear. "You have no idea. I promise you I'm not going anywhere."
I raised my head from his chest, looked straight into his eyes and when he kissed me, felt like I found my purpose once again. Nothing could be better than this, right here right now. He ruffled my hair like old times, buried my face in his chest and smelled his cologne again.

i closed my eyes and held on to the hug, immersing myself in the smell of his cologne. I buried my face into his jacket.


I awoke with a jolt and looked around, feeling the development of a cold sweat. The neon glow of my cell phone read 2:57 AM. I was alone in the darkness of my bedroom. He'd never come back. It was all a lie. I fought and screamed, praying sobbing, begging... all to bring him back. He was just here! I was in his arms! He kissed me! Please God bring him back!! Tears formed dry riverbanks on my face only to be renewed by new tears. It was all a dream, a nightmare and that wasn't fair. I cried until the sun came up. Then I put on my mask, patched up my wounded soul and walked out the door. They say that when you dream with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. I never even got to say goodbye.

5 Months, 3 Weeks, and 1 Day since The Split

You know, I just realized I'm at a stage in my life that isn't exactly the greatest , especially given the timing. On the year that is supposed to determine my entire future, I've discovered that I'm incredibly lonely. I have the isolation crisis that most single, middle aged women get in their thirties. I'm seventeen.
Right now, my life is about going to class early, long rehearsal hours, long study hours, coming home to reheat my dinner (and eating alone while finishing homework), showering in the morning because I'm too tired to move, and the intense determination to do everything because it means the satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I feel old in soul and my body can't keep up with what my mind wants it to do. To make this story short, I'm losing toch with my life. I guess I'm not a kid anymore.
It's frustrating because despite the good future building possibilities I have, there's no one to share with. My parents have their own worries and while I love them for supporting me, they never did what I'm doing now so they don't really get it. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away and because we're running in different directions right now, I hardly get to hear from him and I miss him dearly. The one person who became a part of my life and made things simple is gone.
Gone... Sometimes I catch myself saying that so much that it almost sounds like he's dead and I'm mourning his death. In a way, this was worse than having him alive and dwelling the earth because just knowing that someone who loved you and said the very words that made you the most vulnerable is still walking the planet in cold bitterness hating your very existence is the worst feeling in the world. At leas those who mourn the dead know their beloved loved them during their lifetime. Our relationship didn't go far physically but emotionally, he meant the world and knowing that he hates me and never wants to be in my presence is the worst of it all. That's what tears me apart.
That's why I feel lonely. I want to forget him and forget his hatred. I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I have every right to be happy. I only know of one person in the world who even sees me that way and his identity is only known to me as Penny
The thing about Penny is that while he excites me, he borderline frustrates me. I don't know who he is or what he looks like. I simply know him through words in a text message. I can't involve him in my life when his identity is a mystery to me. He could be anybody and there's nothing concrete about it. What sounds like a good concept in my mind gives me nothing physical nor tangible to grasp. That just drives me insane.
I want someone to hold my hand, to surprise me with spontaneous conversation... to bring me flowers and give me a new outlook on life. Right now, my mind finds itself a wee bit stretched... bordering on insanity. I'm getting flashbacks of memories and days spent with Alex. I wake up and hear his voice whispering in my ear. I walk the hallways and catch a whiff of his cologne or hear his voice even though I know he's in class hundreds of miles away.
Help, anybody?
Even though I know why I'm holding on so tight, I need to forget what I want and remember what I deserve.

The Flip-flopping that never ends....

Okay, okay. So I'm guilty of some serious procrastination here and to tell you the truth, I'm horribly sorry. Things have kind of come up in the worst of ways. I say in the worst of ways because I'm back to my episodes of missing Alex. I knew it was only bound to happen since I'd been doing so good without him.
I suppose it's because of the situation I'm in right now. In the 3 weeks it's been since school started, I've grown tired, frustrated and pressured. I'm making life decisions that I've been waiting to make, keeping up with class ring payments, keeping up with my band and other club duties and lastly, I'm fufulling my responsibilites as Editor-In-Chief, all while attempting to keep my life together. With SAT registrations and campus visits, and AP prep courses, it's only natural that I'm feeling lonely. Still, I refuse to sit myself in a meaningless, casual relationship. It just sucks being single because for once, I'd like to have someone to count on.
For those of you saying, "Well, what about Penny?" I have news for you. I still don't have the slightest clue as to who he is. F My Life.