Procrastination is my friend....

It was a busy weekend and I had a fair few things going on. Will blog soon

Day 152 [First day in school without Alex]

Today was the first day of my Senior year in high school. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I'd never pictured it would be so unconventional and so... me. It all started when I woke up at 4 AM... blame my bladder. lol I checked my cell phone to see what time it was and saw I had two texts. One was from one of my close friends.
It read:

Hey Seniors! Meet us at the civic center today at 6:30 as the class of 2010 gets together to watch the last "first sunrise" of our high school careers. We hope to see you there!

So, here I am... groggy and in a serious need to pee at 4 AM. The first thing that came to my head as a Senior? Fuuucccckkk... it's early. Still, I got out of bed, got dressed, did my makeup, and was ready by 6:10. My mom wasn't in much of a mood so my friend picked me up and so we rushed against time, trying to make that sunset. We made it with a minute to spare.
The sight? Simply amazing. Being surrounded by the people I've been around since I moved to this small town was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. I felt this bliss. It was like I was finally free but then, as I made my way down the freeway, I realized. This is it... it's my senior year. Months ago, I planned to share these moments with Alex. He was going to be by my side. Now, he's gone, more than likely still asleep hundreds of miles away. It was odd in the sense that I knew I wasn't missing him and I was feeling lonely, mostly because after years of climbing to the top of the mountain, the top of the mountain turns out to be really lonely. Then, in an instant, I'll have to come down from that mountain. No one can stay forever on that mountain and I sure hope not. High school sucked for me, to be honest.
Still no word other than texting from the secret admirer... but hopefully I'm close to finding out who he mght be. Keep you fingers crossed! :D

5 Months

It's been five months since we broke up...

5 months ago, I was upset, distraught, and pissed off in a way.

Now, 5 months later, here I stand, unrecognizable to even myself.

School starts tomorrow... my last first day in high school. Sure, I've got new shoes, new clothes and new accessories in my closet but is a new me waiting too? What have I become in 5 months? Surely, I'm a different person. Yeah, that's for sure. But what's left up my sleeve? Now that he's gone, in a different city, in a different part of my life, what is next in my life?

Day 150 [A fading summer...]

So, it seems as though the summer has come and gone. It seems like not that long ago my summer started and my mind was so full of things to think about. Now, I don't even recognize myself from two months ago.
Now I've got alot of things to think about, one of which is this secret admirer. He seems great. He's funny, witty, intelligent and seems to like me... what's the catch? He seems too amazing to be true. What's so wrong that he's hiding his face??

Oh, I had somewhat of a relapse the other day, if you could call it that. I was cleaning one of the rooms in the band hall and came across Alex's uniform label. I just lost my mind and attacked it with a pair of scissors. Before I knew it, I there were shreds on the floor and I felt oddly satisfied. That can't be normal, can it? I just hope that I don't attack him next time I see him. Maybe I am getting better at this. (:

Ta-Daaaa!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I successfully updated my blog layout!! It took long enough, but I had to uninstall all the widgets and then reinstall them. I had to make some sacrifices though. My "Quotation of the Day" widget disappeared off the listings and so I put the Benjamin Franklin quotes in it's place. Everything else though should remain the same.

Oh, also DD is on Twitter now!! I originally had a link to my personal Twitter but now I've expanded it to where now you'll get updates on my blog instead of the random things that happen to me instead. lol If you still want to follow me Personally on Twitter, you can click the blue button instead of the black one.

I'll be up with a new blog shortly. Thanks for being patient with my updates. (:
-Jen

Under Construction

Hey guys!
Sorry but today, I'm working on blog maintenence and remodeling the site.
I'll be back to blogging in a bit. (:
<3
Jen

A New Beginning

Its seems like time has been passing pretty quickly.
A new day has made its own way slowly but surely and it's good that I'm getting to a healthy place. I was talking to my best friend today (you know, the one who's high school Alex attends?) and he mentioned to me (lightly and clearly afraid of an outburst or explosion) that he saw and talked to Alex and this year's annual band picnic and how he just so happened to see him and say hi and talk to him. [Apparently, I've been seriously mood-swingy and temperamental because he said this all kind of fast, a sign that he was terrified of my reaction.]
I guess I surprised him (not to mention myself) that I just kind of shrugged it off and let it go. st like that, I shrugged it off and just let it go. Wow. It's about time, I guess.
Then again, I blame my new summer adventure, and this one is actually a good thing.
I have yet another secret admirer. Except this one is different. This one isn't trying too hard to win me over or tripping over themselves in utter fakeness. The "admirers" I'm used to getting are cheesy, incredibly unreal and just downright ridiculous. This guy actually makes me think. This guy did something that I'm not used to: he caught my attention.

Two days ago, I was fixing the content on my iPod (for some reason my photos wouldn't upload into it) and I got a text message from a random, local number. I figured it was a friend or another section leader or something. What I got was a picture of feet. Guy's feet. Big Feet. Clearly, I wasn't expecting that so I texted back asking what any logical person would. "Umm... who is this and why did you send me a picture of feet?"
He then sent me 2 more random pictures. Now,not only was I clueless but confused. And so, I kept asking "who is this?" I got this as a reply: "I thought you'd appreciate the randomness of the pic seeing as how you're random yourself. Intelligent too. So are you single?"
-"Um. Yes?Why? Who is this && how do you have my number?"
"I've known you for a very long time. It's sort of an unrequited love. I already had your number.I just recently changed mine. I've always been by your side as your friend, though."
A such, my mind was wondering and finally my skeptic kicked in.

"Okay, if you're my friend, you must know that I don't buy secret admirers anymore. They all tend to be disasters. How serious is this?"
The responses after that were not only cute but funny.
"As serious as my penny collection."
This is the pic that accompanied the text.

Then, the next text I got was adorable. The subject was titled "The Night Shines With Pennies"


The text? "Just like You shine every day in Band."

Okay. This guy caught my attention, and he's got it. Casually though, I asked him what his old number used to be, since he said he had recently changed it. His response was "That would be a dead giveaway Jen. I'm not a moron. I actually have an average IQ unlike your exes."

Touche!
This guy is funny too!
Immediately I invited him to a game of Truth, except I bended the rules to where I couldn't ask him what his name was so he'd play. Since then, we've been talking for the past few days, and it's been great. He seems to just get me. He knows about my dog, my best friend, my hometown, even some random shenanigan I got into when Iwas in Vegas with the band.He's witty, sarcatic, pushes my buttons and isn't tryng incredibly hard for my attention. He'great! The catch? Wel, I can't think of what friend he might be! My bff tried to help me by saying "Well, what guys do you talk to the most?" Well, that would help narrow down except well... the vast majority of guys I talk to are gay or have girlfriends. I mean I love my gay best friends but it doesn't help when I'm trying to identify a dark blue piece of hay in a black haystack. So, hopefully I have a real admirer this time. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

[Oh, btw. If there are any typos in this blog where words are missing letters, blame my keyboard. It's skipping letters and spaces on me, resulting in me retyping everything twice, and getting me frustrated. Sorry!]

Day 133... I think.

Maybe it's a good sign but even with the CountUp timer, I'm losing track of how many days it's been. No, that's not a maybe. It's definitely a good sign. A great sign. It's been quite a while, I'll admit. Still, he's under my skin, after all this time. Last Friday was proof of that. I guess I'm at the point in my life where I'm moving on from the old but not quite ready for the new. Sure, I've already gone full speed with my band duties but I have yet to find fulfillment. I'm making a difference, believe me, I'm trying to but... I still haven't found someone to share it with. Will I ever? It doesn't even have to be a relationship. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen to me and be there for me. And right now, I should have that.



Um, this kind of happened but I have a boyfriend. I've had one since the 24th. His name is *Lee. It's kind of a long story about that. I met Lee last year. He was my secret admirer, despite my experience with secret admirers, he was a full fledged legit secret admirer... and I fell for him. We talked on MSN all the time, and he made my summer beyond interesting. We'd made plans to meet in person when the school year started when one day out of nowhere he just stopped messaging me. Just like that he disappeared. After a month passed with no word, I just gave in and convinced myself that it was all just an incredibly cruel prank and none of it was really true. And so the rest of my summer passed, uneventful and lazy as all summers tend to be. The rest... is basically what made this blog. The events that happened after Lee disappeared are the reason I'm writing about the recovery of a broken heart.

Anyways, after a year, I'd basically forgotten, only remembering him on random nights when I couldn't sleep. Well, 3 weeks ago, he texted me. I was spooked. REEEALLLYYY spooked. While he was my secret admirer, I knew nothing. No phone number, no real name... nothing. It took me a while to realize it was him and alot longer to kind of really make sure he was who he said he was. It seemed like time never passed and so it wasn't long before we started dating.
Yeah, it;s great. He's amazing and all but he's so elusive. Right now I could use some support... and I'm not getting it. Well, it's this void that makes me wonder if it's all worth it. So for now, I consider myself single, mostly because you'd think that after a year of disappearing, a guy would try to make it up to a girl but... guess not. I still feel a void, mostly because the guy's disappeared and hasn't even texted me in 4 days. I'm done with waiting by the phone...
If you can declare a person legally dead after 6 months of being missing, then you can certainly consider a relationship over after an extended period of absence.
So here, I am. Basically in the same position I was weeks ago. Now what?

Day 129

Talk about a month of confusion and disaster!!!
It has been 129 days since the split and somewhere in those 129 days I got the most unexpected twist.

Alex is moving. He is indeed moving... to my hometown... and attending MY BEST FRIEND'S HIGH SCHOOL!! Yes, it's beyond magical and so very lucky that he's moving but ... my best friend's high school?! You've gotta be kidding me. This is just too much of a coincidence. Oh well.

As soon as I found out he was moving, I was beyond excited. I finally had a chance to be on my own and live my life (without his sarcasm and stupidity).

So the boxes were packed and he moved and I went on with my life as section leader in the band.
We started two weeks ago and it's been good. My partner and I are really trying to make this work. Just when I thought everything was finally getting back in order.... HE shows up to my afternoon rehearsal.

Among the first things I noticed:
1: He got FATT
2: Wtf is he doing here?!?!
3: He GOT FAT!
4: He had to choose (out of a football field sized slab of concrete) to stand on my side
4: HAHA LMAO. He got fatt!

Everyone in the band looked at me, anticipating my reaction. I didn't give them much to look at, appearing calm and collected. I'm a Section Leader! I can't get fazed by one person. I've performed in front of HUNDREDS of people before! On the inside, however, I was fuming. If my thoughts were on a speaker it might sound like this...
"OMFG! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?! CAN'T HE GO BUG SOMEBODY ELSE AND STAY HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY?!?! GODDAMNIT!"

I guess it was getting obvious because I was a bit fidigety and couldn't keep the lines going. My partner kept looking at me, and he kind of got mad but he knew what was wrong which was very nice of him not to comment on. By the end of practice, he said one little stark comment and I (thought regret doing it now) told him off.
CHEEZE AND FUCKING CRACKERS!
I know I shouldn't get irked by him and I know he's not worth it, and I know I'M totally stupid for giving him the time of day but why must I do so?!
Or, even better, why can't he like move to Japan and get confused for a whale? (Okay, I know. Now I'm getting mean)
Anyways, let's just hope I have some better news to type next time I blog.
<3 Jen