Hmmm...

It's the last day of Winter break. I know I should be like everyone else right now. Everyone's brightly dressed, exchanging gifts, exchanging love, hugs, smiles, excitement.
Everyone's in an eating mood, an exciting mood. To be honest, the only thing I want right now is to be curled up under my sheets and sit in a room lit by window sunlight and sit in silence.
I know it sounds kind of depressing, considering everything outside right now is gray but I'm tired of noise. I'm just tired and tried I suppose.
Lately, I've been doing alot and trying to make sense of more than anyone should really make sense of.
Okay, well there's been good things and bad things to happen in the past few weeks that have turned into eternity.
Our school's mariachi ensemble (the one I'm a part of) made State. I'll be singing for that.
I skipped my school's band banquet and decided not to go to my best friend's either, one because I got sick (as noted by my blog entry) but also because it's not fair to Alex.
My band director wants me to play tenor sax for solo & ensemble, this small competition thing. I play alto sx, and I'm not all too thrilled. I don't really want to learn a new instrument and be expected to play like i've been playing for years. Hmph.
As I've also mentioned, I'm slowly (though not willingly) transitioning into dating. A guy friend of mine who I've known for years wants to take our friendship to a relationship. He's great. he's smart, funny, independent, mature and actually a bit older than me. He's logical but interesting. Still, I don't find myself all that excited. He's great but I don't want a relationship. I'm just taking this reeeeaaallly slow, mostly because he really is a great guy but also because it might help to get out of my rut if I start seeing my options.
Anyways, in case I don't blog within the next few days, Happy Holidays.
Chances are, I'll be blogging again the morning after christmas and before New Year's wearing my pink reindeer pajamas, like last year.

Happy Holidays!

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news...

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have a quick tidbit to share with you.
At the moment I'm at a Journalism/Yearbook Staff party DJ-ing so this has to be kinda quick.

I've officially transitioned into the awkward process of life being single. I have ventured into dating again. No, I am not in a relationship. I'm just dating.
More later.

Loves,
Jen

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Sick.

I made the ridiculous decision to come to school today even though my stomach's been bugging me since last night.
I can't eat, I can't focus. I can't anything.Even worse, i'm basically flying solo through this. Personally, i hate being sick, especially when I'm nautious, mostly because illness and humiliation should never go together. I'm scared that I'm going to throw up on something or someone but I'm also not even in the mood to care.
Last time I was sick, you know who used to sing me to sleep. Sure, he was a bit monotone but it was better than nothing.
Augh, now I'm gonna throw up now. Damn you Alex for being a catalyst to my nausea.

      

                       

                                             

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Even If It Kills Me 2.0

"What do you do when your emotions are defunct and the phrase "trying to make sense of it all" no longer applies or makes sense?"



This was my Twitter/myspace status today and it's the one question on my mind, on top of everything I'd like answered. After an entire year of events, personal turmoil, success, failure, self discovery and self insanity, I'm determined... Desperate almost to clear my mind and stop listening to the incessant chatter.
In the words of Fannie May Louis, " I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
You know how when you forget to put the lid on a blender and pick the high speed setting and everything in that blender goes everywhere and it gets too messy to press stop so all that you get is more mess? For a lack of better words, that is exactly how I feel. I feel that blaahhhh, ker-splaat, messy, in-your-face mess. I forgot to put the lid on my blender and now all the contents of my life are spreading into the kitchen that is my mind. I can't find what I want right now. So far, the answers to escaping for just a little while are Scrabble, Glee, and... sleep. I can't wait for Christmas vacation. Oh wait, yes I can. It reminds me of you-know-who. He kind of killed my holidays, mostly because he was plastered all over them last year and now I've got to scrub all the mental memories out with a big bucket of bleach.
He can gripe all he wants, everyone can gripe all they want. What I need right now is less noise in my head and more stability. Sucks than no one gets that point at the moment.
I've just got to not let this get the better of me. I can't let him or anyone get the better of me. I'm gonna get through this
Even if it kills me.

Even if it Kills Me

Ugh, it's Friday morning.
Usually the best part of the day is Friday afternoon when I get to go home and today is no exception. We were supposed to go to school late because its suuuper cold but it got "warm". It went from 30 degrees to 40. I don't know about you but I'm still cold as hell.
Anyways, I found a new song that I relate to.

I've got a lot of things to do tonight
I'm so sick of making lists of things I'll never finish
I've lived here for the last twelve years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I'd settle every little stupid thing,
Yeah, you'd think that I would

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say that I want to try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way...

I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for a while but then I kind of gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say that I want to try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way...

I'm not saying that I've given up
I'm just trying not to think as much I used to
'Cause never is lonely little messed up word
Maybe I'll get it right someday

For the first time in a long time
I can say that I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part, but I'm learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is I'll never get over it,
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way...

I so want to get back on track
And I'll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me...

That's it for now but I'll repost later today.
Laters.