Day 365

Happy Anniversary, love.
It's been one whole year since the day he walked out that door.
Today is day 365. A new day that has yet to begin, and an old year added to my memory.

Prom?

Today, I logged into yahoo and saw this great story of a guy who asked a girl to Prom on National TV. This got me thinking about Prom.

It's funny because all my friends are getting ready. One bought a prom dress, the other is trying to figure out how to match her dress to her fiancee's Marine uniform... and of course, I sit by and watch. I decided not to go to Prom this year. I went last year and I had a blast

I decided not to go this year to just avoid the issues that come with Prom. I'd rather not get into the issue of attempting to find a date and plus it would save my parents tons of money for my college tuition. So I'm skipping it. So the question I'm facing right now is I'm thinking of throwing my own bash, my own personal form of celebration. It's not like I talked to all the people going to prom so it's not like it's going to be a major loss. So it's a good thing. I miss all this hubub.

Spring Break

Spring Break is over (Thank goodness!)
I think I just about drove myself insane. I can't stand not doing anything because it makes me overanalyze and think too much. I get myself into too many troubles.
Like tomorrow, I'm going to be able to jump back into work (Ah, how I love my job. ^^) And go to band practice. (Eh, not fun. Varsity band has sucked the fun out of everything) And then, the rest of my life.
This week, I've got challenges that I hadn't really thought of until right now.
Today is March 21st.
In 3 days time, I will be marking the one year anniversary of my split with Alex, marking 365 days of ups downs, lots of music, lots of phone calls and this crazy thing I call life.
On the 26, I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of this very blog that helped me figure myself out and get thigns straight as I documented it all.
On the 26th, I'll also be heading to Laredo for District UIL, hopefully to advance to Regionals again like I did last year.

One question: How did I end up planning this big opportunity to go out with my teammates and enjoy a night with them... and invite Alex along as a part of our complicated, red-tape attatched friendship... and not realize the day until several days later?
I'll have to explain that later (mostly because I still don't get it)

"... come on in. I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in."

Today, I had this very lengthy conversation with a friend of mine.
He's gay and currently happy with the love of his life.
My friend is also an ex-boyfriend of mine.
Today I found myself in another one of my brooding moods where I was mad at the world and just upset for an inexplicable reason. I found myself struggling a certain concept and I explained it to him.

I have all the potential in the world. I have these dreams, these ambitions and this potential to do so much. I've come a long way from what originally started in humble beginnings. Potential. Possibility. That's all that rings when I think about the Fall and the rest of my life. Yet, I find myself wanting something that I never really thought I would want because I never had it. The Dumpee Diaries, my story of trying to figure out life after being left by someone who was looking for something else didn't just start with Alex. The truth is that I basically grew up with that because of a man who left very early in life.
My parents divorced when I was very young. From what I can remember, at the ages of 4 and 5 they were already divorced. My mom raised me basically by herself. My dad, disappeared and never bothered to come back. I was raised by a woman who took the situation, a strong woman and not a single father figure. Since then, it's safe to say that every influential male in my life has left me. My dad, disappeared into parental oblivion, not even bothering with child support or even a letter. All my life, I've kicked myself, thinking that maybe he knew a sinking ship when he saw it and it's my fault he doesn't bother attempting to be a father. I grew up. I started earning titles, becoming my mother's pride and joy and being the child anyone would want. Still, no matter what trophy I earned or stellar report card I brought home, not one phone call or letter came for me.
I've struggled with this my entire life, knowing if my own father wouldn't stick around and see his first born grow up and become the adult her mother helped her be... then who's to say that any boyfriend or father figure would. Alex was the closest thing I ever had to someone who might have taken care of me and made me feel safe. I know it's stupid to look for it but I feel like I'm missing something and it scares me that I'm going to go my entire life with that void of acomplishing so much but still not being good enough to be taken care of. I know I'm foolish, stupid beyond belief to pin all this on a man I haven't even met and that I've got to make my own luck and overcome my obstacles and that it's stupid to pin this on Alex. I just...
My nights are hell because I know that no matter where I am, I know my own father isn't thinking of me and I know that more than likely someone else isn't either.

I told my friend this, and while he knew about my dad not being around, he didn't know what to say either. He struggled with it. He told me sometimes you just have to be open to happiness. I'm open to what life has to bring me. By day the concept works. By night, it's the mirror opposites that keep me up at night wondering what I did to feel so... empty.
 Truth is, I envy him. He has two parents. He had siblings and now he has the love of his life. While he can't be completely honest with himself because of his parents and the sometimes unfair prejudice that comes with homosexuality, he has more than I will ever have. I have potential. He has love from all sides. I don't blame my mom in any of this and I love her for all her strength and deep comittment to having me for a kid but... sometimes a girl needs her dad. Sometimes it's hard to lie to yourself and say you're complete when you don't know about half of where you came from. Sometimes, it just makes for one hell of a long night when you're awake, staring at the ceiling and praying to God that someone sends you a text or calls just to say they were thinking of you and wanted to make sure you're okay.
I'm still secretly praying for that phone call from my dad someday. As a matter of fact, my dad went looking for my mom a few weeks ago at our old house where my aunt lives. He wanted to settle the child support issue. He didn't ask to speak to me once. He handled the affair with legal jargon, lawyers and numbers. He left his number with my aunt to give to my mom. When she asked me to put the paperwork away in her purse, I put his number in my cell phone address book in the event that he ever calls, I'll know it's him. I'm still waiting.
What's sad is that I know I'll be waiting for that call for the rest of my life, just like I know that I'll be up many more nights hoping someone sends me a text that they're thinking of me and they'll take care of me like no one else ever did. At least I can live and hold a smile during the day, not having to face the long nights ahead.

The mantra lives on...

To what do I owe everything twisted in my life?
If I only had a nickle for every time I have said this...
Just when you think life might get back to normal, something crazy happens that throws everything you've ever thought out the window.
In this case, something so unusual happpened, I thought it was a glitch.
Alex texted me.
It's been a good while since he and I have had a good conversation where neither of us was throwing expletives at each other, and he NEVER texts me if he can avoid it.  I'm on Spring Break and I've been busy with work and friends and life that I haven't seen a need to text him or even talk to him. Sure enough to my surprise he texted me and *gasp* it turns out the twist wasn't in my life but his.
His girlfriend has some bad habits... something that shocked him (and out of a certain respect, I'm not going to post what the issue is because I know some people in our circle read this) Yet, he came to me to actually ask advice as a civilized human being. And I gave him my advice, he can take it as he will and I wish him the best, honestly.
Then maybe ten minutes later he went back to attempting jabs at me which doesn't surprise me. I'm just shocked that he's acting so civilized and for a long period of time (long by his standards) he was human towards me. Who knows what else is coming but my statement still stands.

"Just when you think life's about to get back to normal, something crazy happens."

You can quote me on that one.
I just got another text so... we'll see where this goes and if he can (not to be rude or anything) actually grow up.

I'm Not alone in standing strong and feeling weak

Good morning world,

I woke up after another night of staying up so late and thinking and feeling lonely.
I know it's not good for me, but I'm still stuck in the polar parallels of happy by day, lonely by night.
I'm approaching the one year anniversary of the split and the one year anniversay of this blog and I'm STILL going through these mini depressions at night. For months now, I stay up most of the night, thinking and feeling lonely. The silence bothers me but just the darkness of night is what makes me feel so alone. It's the thought that at night no one is willing to be at my side, willing to answer a phone call or check up on me at night just to make sure that I'm at peace. Everyone is asleep in their own world, in the darkness of night and the possibilities of the tomorrow. It is at night when everything is revealed and the truth is out in the open. While in the daytime, there is light, there are also shadows that people can hide behind. At night, there are no shadows. At night, I'm vulnerable, bidding my time until the sun comes out.
But even so, I'm happy that it's only at night. I'm sure I'll shake it off eventually, like when I get to college. By day though, I'm just so happy to be surrounded by many people, many opportunities and so much potential. During the day, I don't feel alone.
I know I'm not alone.
You know, there's this blog I read called Life through rose-colured Ray Bans and while she posts happy, beautiful and inspiring posts, there's a sense of human vulnerability that I can relate to so well. I know I'm not the only one who can be happy and vulnerable at the same time and that alone is a thought that makes me feel so... comforted.
I think everyone doesn't want to be alone, they just look for different facets of life to answer this univeral need.

We Didn't Start the Fire

Almost kind of like a twisted form of deja vu, I have been involved in yet another accident. In case you don't remember, last year shortly after breaking up with Alex, I was involved in a small accident that kinda made me crack a bit. Well, once again, I was involved in a bit of a situation that all started with a Hot Pocket.

This also comes with something I've neglected to mention. I recently started an internship in town at the radio station, working on stories and even appearing on the airwaves. Today in particular, I was recording the news segment for tomorrow. When I came out of the studio, I was greeted by a huge cloud of black, icky smoke. My boss and I (instead of hitting the floor and crawling out like they teach you in elementary school) ran out like idiots, coughing through the smoke. I just ran for my purse. It was only after running out like idiots that we discovered that the microwave got stuck on 2 minutes and set the hot pocket on fire.

My boss then came out with a charred hot pocket that was black... really black. I wish I had taken a picture of it, because it was just such an odd sight.

I'm okay, I just got a bit of smoke inhalation and my eyes were really irritated for a while but everyone's okay. For some reason though, I found the whole thing funny. lol

After we turned off the smoke alarm and cleared the smoke out with a fan, and opened every window in the office, my boss and I just realized we almost had a fire and died because of something incredibly trivial like a Hot Pocket. lol

That isn't exactly what I imagined for my death and in a huge sense of irony, the DJ on shift played "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel on the airwaves. When I got home and turned on Pandora, my station played the live version of that song. I couldn't stop laughing!

Last year, I was involed in an accident and couldn't stop crying. This year, I get into an accident and can't stop laughing. Is this a sign of my psyche or something? lol

One last laugh, though. Once I got on Facebook, I saw my boss updated her status. Our station has a twitter page and the slogan is "our news tweets louder." Here are the posts she put up on Facebook (and yes, I blotted out names and faces) (Editor's Note: Yes, I'm loving that my boss thinks I rock! lol)

At any cost, it was an interesting day and I really discovered that yes, it is possible to almost die as the result of a hot pocket and laugh about it later... and do this all while single. I don't see why people complain about work so much because I'm loving it!

I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me

Happy Spring break everyone!

Well, as you know by now, I celebrated my 18th birthday this past friday (and thanks to those who sent me texts, Facebook wall posts and myspace comments. (:

This birthday was surreal. I celebrated among friends old and new and opted to go bowling instead of to dinner. I was surrounded by so many people that may not have all been together had they not known me but I was thrilled just be with friends. Still, true to the nature of my life, nothing is ever perfect, but I prefer this goof over anything worse any other day.
They mispelled "birthday on my cake and I didn't even realize it until the day after my party when I was uploading all of the pics.

Fun stuff! lol. And what makes it worse is that my the cake decorator actually asked my mom to write on a piece of paper what she wanted to be put on the cake and then the decorator asked their supervisor to write it on the cake. At any cost, this just makes everything that much more enjoyable.

Still, even then, with yet another year of life comes the ever present thoughts of my past. I realized that Alex didn't call or even text me about my birthday. It's not like I was expecting anything but it only shows how hard some things are to let go. Alex's dad was nice enough to send me not one but two birthday messages over Facebook. One was the day before (in case he missed it) and the other was on the actual day of my birthday. It was really nice of him to do that and I honestly appreciate the efforts he made that his son chose not to. Facebook was kind enough to bring him Alex up when I saw one of my friends became a fan of the page titled " I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me." This blog wouldn't really be about my life after him anymore if little things like this didn't pop up and make me think about my life as it is now compared to what it was then.
It's moments where I see the parallels of this girl who was me

and this person of now

Last year, all I had was him. This year and now, I have so much more.
I wonder if he ever thinks about how life can become so different in a year or if he just stays stagnant in his own ways. I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me.

Eighteen Candles... and two more big ones.

This week, I'll be celebrating my eighteenth birthday.
Eighteen. I can't believe it has been eighteen years, but in my perspective, a year since everything that ensued after.
This time this year, I was moody and fussy because I was turning seventeen, a whole 3 years older than Alex for a couple of weeks. I felt so old and like such a cougar. But things went their course. March is significant because on the 23rd of this month, I will happily celebrate one entire year of what has turned out to me one of the most significant years of my life. One year ago, Alex and I broke up. It was the best decision he ever made. On the 26th, I will celebrate a year of blogging with the Dumpee Diaries.
My eighteenth birthday and so much more this month... I don't know what to think. I just know that I'm going to have a hard time thinking of what to wish for when I blow out the candles this Friday. Everything is looking up and I can't believe my luck is changing.