Word Vomit Part 2.

Now that everyone is aware of miraculous situation (and the abnormal circumstances I'm in, I can now continue to describe my situation at the moment.
After I got back from New York, everything changed. I could feel it even on the plane. I changed, Life changed, the people around me changed. Some of it has been great. Other aspects of it? Eh... not so much. It's interesting when you think about it. I guess you could say I've been thinking about it more than I should. Let me explain.
You see, going from my minuscule neighborhood of open secrets and cliquey surroundings to the wonders of New York really changed my perspective. For once, I didn't have to worry about other people or the disasters bound to ensue anywhere I went. I was at peace. There were grand buildings, real people and even bigger possibilities to make things happen. I know this is going to sound totally cheesy but my eyes opened at the mere idea that there really is a world waiting for me. The rest of my experience is basically on tape.
When I got back home though, I discovered how any little thing can define people. I'm omniscient to the fact that the entire experience was nothing short of a miracle. However, it changed alot of things in my life. People changed. Some became genuine. Others became fake. The rest? Unreal in their own character. I've become closer to my friends, my good, solid friends. I've discovered who I can never trust. I've also discovered that if you get one lucky break, a following will proceed- both good and bad. That's a part of life, but in spite of all this, the most important lesson I feel I've learned is that finding yourself can be a work-in-progress and any little thing can happen to make you realize who you really are.
I've been plagued with an issue for most of my life yet here I stand, stronger than before. I am who I am. I'm not going to be spooked by my own shadow. This is where Alex comes into play.
I'll admit, Andrew's right (don't get a big head, Drew. I have a point) It's been months since Alex and I were together. As a matter of fact, we've been apart much longer than we were together. Why do I still miss him, you ask? I ask myself the very same question. If you're reading this, chances are that you've followed my journey (or at least know what and why I started this blog) I've been through ranges of emotions and documented the majority of my process in recovery. I've been angry, immature, hurt, confused, happy, and very much lost in my own way and my own world for the past year or so. I look back and cringe at the moments where I acted (and reeeeaaallly sounded like a spoiled little girl/lovesick puppy) I also read at my entries and wonder how I can be this little girl but also on some days sound like an old woman, hurt and rejected, wounded by life. Alex was only around for so long yet he's played a major role in my life already, I've discovered happy moments, trying moments and so much about my character in his absence.
No, after everything's happened, it's only logical for him to serve as a catalyst for my self discovery. Still, I'd like to report he will be crossing my path in a very interesting setting. I'll be seeing him in December at my best friend's band Christmas Party. He's doing well. I'm doing better emotionally and definitely better careerwise. Only time and some optimism will tell to see what happens. If anything happens.

Word Vomit.

It's been a horribly long time since I've written, and I know I'm using the same excuses so for now I'll just skip it and go straight to what's been going on.
Ladies and gentlemen, I was a guest on the Tyra Banks Show. Hard to believe, but yes.
I was found on myspace and went through a heavy audition process and I got picked out of tons of kids.

The show and everything it took to be on it was such a whirlwind! I was first approached to do the show on myspace actually. I was logged in on Halloween and I was talking with a friend of mine. Sure enough, I got a new message in my inbox from the producers:

Hello,

We are in the planning stages of an upcoming show. I am reaching out to see if this applies to you or anyone you know. Can you relate to the kids in the TV show Glee? Do you feel like a misfit in school? Do you feel like an outsider? If you feel like you are like the kids in the show Glee, please message me back with the best contact information for you, or call me at [number removed] . Thanks so much, I look forward to hearing from you.

This made me immediately think of a hoax but I called anyways. Sure enough, I went through several interviews over the phone with multiple callbacks. My mom and I were convinced it was a hoax until they sent my mom an email about details of the show. The email address had @tyrastaff.com attached to it. I was then convinced. I didn't tell anyone I was even in consideration on the show, mostly out of fear that if i didn't get picked, I would never hear the end of it. Everything else after that happened so quick. I found out that I was picked to be on the show on Monday, boarded a plane on Tuesday morning and from there I was off to New York, all expenses paid. We arrived around midnight and were greeted by a chauffeur with a little plaque with my name on it (just like in the movies, haha)
My mom and I were driven to the hotel, checked in and woke up at 6 AM to be met by a producer in the lobby along with the other guests on the show.
We walked downtown Manhattan, observing the sights. Martha Stewart's show was right next to the show!! We then went in, and got searched by security (no cameras and phones allowed inside :<) and went into hair and make up. I was fixed up by a fabulous hair stylist and this great makeup artist who did wonders to me! lol Afterward, a stylist looked at my personal wardrobe and selected something for me to wear. Then I was miked and went through sound check. It seemed like eternity to be waiting backstage but eventually the other two guests and I were ushered onto the set. Surprisingly, the set was a lot smaller than I thought it would be. Either way, the producers set us up on set and told us what to expect. Then we were left alone. Before I knew it, the camera crew was counting off and Tyra came on stage! I had to look somewhere else or else I'd end up staring at her. lol Sure enough, she sat right next to me. The entire process was about ten minutes, being on screen and getting interviewed. On the show I was surprised by the cast of Glee, my favorite show on Fox! I cried! After the show went to "break", I got to talk with the cast and their manager was able to pull strings and take pictures with the guests and the cast.Once my segment finished, we were brought backstage and i was escorted out with a private car waiting to be driven to the airport. I got home around midnight, 3 AM really because we had to drive from San Antonio back to EP. Then I got a few hours of sleep, woke up, took a shower and made my way to the band hall for the pep rally and the game. In some cases, this was a good experience. I got to give a voice to others who are bullied and ignored, and I brought a face to the "geeks" around the nation. Now, people give me some credit. However, being only known for this and having Tyra Banks brought up at every waking moment is kind of irritating. Other than that, it is what it is. I mention this not because of the fact that I was on television but because of the aftermath and things that have happened. For one thing, my previous post that shows Andrew's comment. This happened in spite of me being on the show. People ... ugh. To be continued. But here's the video if you want to see it.

Updates:

Andrew commented my blog. He actually found MY BLOG.
His comment:

Jen, you have been become a tad bit crazier since i last checked. You dated "Alex" for approximately four months and you've continued to dwell on this "breakup" for seven months! please...Shut your fucking trap. The internet is ridden with emotional head cases blogging away about their problems; it doesn't need another one. I would understand if this "alex" was your husband and left you with a kid, but he didn't. Stop acting like its the end of the world Jen. You're better than this. Im not going to lie, you are pretty wierd, but you've got a good head. Stop being stupid, move on, you're still young, this is all stupid. Grow up and realize the world isn't a novela.
By the way,
this is "Andrew"

Grow up and work on your social skills. much love

My response?:

Dear

Andrew or whatever you'd prefer to go by, IDK.

I just got your comment on my blog. I'm actually pretty surprised more that 3 people read it. Anyways, about what you said.

Yeah, you're right, we went out for four months and yes it happened almost 7 months ago. I get you. But you've kind of misinterpreted the blog. it's not about how much I want your brother back. It's actually about documenting me moving on and life after him. Everything I write on there is just my reflections, the things that are going on and how I'm feeling, with no filters whatsoever.

Sure, it was brief and sure he and I dated a long time back but he was a great guy and things change. People change and that's normal. I take that to be a part of growing up as well as a part of life. He and I many never speak again and he could still hate me for all I care. In the end, I'm okay with it. I've grown as a person. I've become something else in the past 7 months that I'm positive I wouldn't have become if he and I were still together today. I'm not going to lie... I have my moments where I wish things were the same as they were but that's happening less and less. He's not a crutch. He's just a guy who made my life a little more interesting for a while.

I'm over it and with each passing day I'm at a healthier place in my life. That's all that matters to me in the end. Whether you find me insane or inspiring, it doesn't matter. I know who I am and that's all I could ever ask for. All I could ever want in life is to be myself and to chase after every dream I've got. After all, good things happen when you least expect it. I found that out myself.

In your own words, one love...

Ohhhh God...

Sam is back. Yes, Sam from my band banquet and that fiasco is back on campus. OOOHHHHH MYYYY GOOOOODDDDD!
He surprised me this morning while I was walking to class. I was just about to pass unnoticed when he gave me a grin.
Right now, I'm speechless. My hands are shaking, not really out of excitement but of shock... CRAP! Now what?

 

                       

                                             

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