"Do not go gentle into that good night."

It's official. There are only two weeks until Valentine's Day. This means the conspiracy is fast approaching. Too late... it already has. Every year, right around this time, everyone likes to pour salt into an open wound and ask why you're single or mention that they have this great cousin/friend/co-worker that they could set you up with and what a great idea it would be to have us go on a date! Phooey. I am going to say this again. I am perfectly fine with being single this year. As a matter of fact, I'm looking foward to it. My cards have played out in my favor. The dreaded day is on a Sunday. My school isn't going to be accepting Valentine's Day deliveries because it's on a Sunday. I'll be busy that weekend. I refuse to celebrate a holiday that's full of false expectations, fake cheesy gifts and serves as the exploitation to all single people.
Even last year, the one time I celebrated Valentine's Day with someone, it was a bust. Alex promised me the world and a half last year. In the end of it all, I think I got him more than he got me. Not that the stuff matters because it shouldn't and doesn't matter to me but my biggest complaint was that I tried harder than he did. I managed to pull off Valentine's Day with a surprise morning serenade, a Build-A-Bear balloon bouquet with his favorite candies, a few school sponsored candy grams and a handmade scrapbook. He took me to dinner and the movies, mostly because one of my good guy friends suggested it the day before.
I guess I should have seen it coming by then but I didn't. Thankfully I'm spared the running up and down trying to figure out what to do this year. I can stay home in my pajamas and not have to wear makeup or go out and face the couples who are so full of it.
No offense to anyone who's dating or likes Valentine's Day. I've just always posessed a heavy vendetta against it. If it's not what happened last year, it's the standard average of three fake secret admirers I recieve or the lack of... romance on the day. One year I even sent myself flowers because I felt it was unfair that only girls with boyfriends get sent stuff on Valentine's Day. Everything else I get that day is tricksters trying to make me think that someone likes me. Thank goodness I won't have to deal with that this year.
It's almost like Carrie and Miranda would say.

Carrie- There's a whole lotta love in this place.
Miranda- Is it just me or is Valentine's Day this year on steroids?
Carrie- No, I think it was this bad this year. We were just playing on the other team.

Oh, what would Carrie Bradsaw say? Rather than humor myself and think about it, I'll just write, just like she would do in my situation. I've already started writing a little bit of my book. It's not all that great but the hardest part of writing anything is always the introduction.
I don't intend on letting anything stop me. I'm not going to go down without a fight, not with Valentine's Day or anything. Not now. My days of silent are over. Here's to writing that book!

Now...

When do I get to pop Valentine's Day Balloons? :D

News:

I've got a bit of news to share. Usually, when I say this it either involves my latest situation with Alex or some type of revelation that's usually a "Duh!" moment for everyone reading this. Well, this new tidbit is a bit different. Nonetheless, it's an important piece of news and it concerns this blog and my future.


I've been blogging for almost a year, and in two months, I will be marking the year since Alex and I split. In this time I've managed to nurse a broken heart, find a few losers along the way, realize my friends are some of the greatest people on earth, and all this without miraculously not losing my sanity in the task of documenting life after a breakup. I've inspired a few people, done some incredible (and incredibly stupid) things. And alas, I will continue to blog, mostly because I've gotten attached to writing again (and plus I feel that though it was a bad breakup, it won't be my last and I still have many more things that could happen.
Although I feel this, I have decided, while still blogging, I will tackle a new project. If you've been following me on Twitter, then you've heard the news but let me break it down.
Through much consideration and support from my circle of close friends (and some serious questioning of my sanity) I've decided to turn the Dumpee Diaries (its story, my entries, and my life surrounding this blog) into a book. I'm in the preliminary processes of drafting and writing, trying to figure out where to begin my story but it's a project that I think I can work with.
Believe me, I had to really think about this. Depending on how long I take to write this book, I'll be spending as little as a year or two reliving the details of my breakup and remembering my ex. Alex. I also had to be the decision (based on my seriousness on the project) to have to call Alex and ask him permission. As you know, Alex is just an alias I use since I change everyone's names except my own to avoid slander and libel. By now, I'm sure he's aware of this blog so he knew what was going on but what stunned me was not only was he okay with the book but he even game me express rights to using his actual name in the book! Andrew's going to be pissed, I know it...
In the end this is all certainly ironic. The biggest flop of my life so far has provided material for the book I've been longing to write all my life and if this works and I get it published, he will have defined my career. Alex: Don't take this arrogantly. I just mean that something negative turned into something positive. For me.
Now that you know, I hope that you can understand my situation. I'm not leaving my blog. I'm expanding it. Which brings me to something else. I've decided to purchase my domain name. Right now I'm just looking for a web designer to construct my page for me.
It's all for news beginnings but it all started here. I guess I got the better end of the deal after all.

Dance Floor Anthem

Well, we lost at the state competition but I'm trying not to dwell on that considering that I was the one who took it the hardest, mostly out of being a perfectionist and hating the result of it.


Anyways, I am in the bit of a rut, involving something I've been trying to avoid.

I'll admit it, since the split, I've been completely and purposefully neglecting to get involved in the dating scene. Thus, everyone's been trying to set my up, serving as matchmaker. To top it off, wether I like it or not, I now have to face the issue of a relationship. My friend Nate asked me out yesterday after I got home from the competition. For weeks, he's trying to win me over and prove that I'll be happy. He's been taking me out, texting me, and trying to get me to go out on a legit date. [Thankfully] I'm booked on performances, academic meets and band functions until early March (giving me plans even on Valentine's weekend.) However, everyone I know is at an off-balance about the situation. My best friend ( the constantly afformentioned guy of my life) is against it. (&& he's not into girls if you think that's what his motive is) I'm against me dating and so are my two other close friends. Everyone else though has been stubborn about the situation. Everyone (down to my mother) has been saying that I'm stupid for not wanting to date. Supposedly he's different. Supposedly not all guys are the same. At any cost, I'm not going to jump into a relationship. I haven't even given myself a year, and it's not Nate's fault. Nate's a great guy. He wants to take care of me and he wants to be a good guy but I just don't see myself dating. I have a career going, I'm getting my life back together and not to mention I'm the busiest person at the moment. I've got alot going right now and I don't need to be dating!

...

Right?

Something to fall back on.

Yesterday, out of some random twist, I ended up having a somewhat lengthy conversation with one of my exes.
For some random reason, what started out as a conversation about project runway turned into a discussion about life mottoes, our philosophies, and our thoughts of life in general.
He says, "you always need to have something to fall back on. A support system of some sort."
I told him I've always been rather self relient, mostly out of duty to everyone else. I work hard to make things flawless, I help other people to make their lives easier, yet who do I turn to. Not to mention, anyone can turn on you in an instant. I mean, I know it sounds like a paranoia way of thinking but I know there would be tons of people who would use my life, my inner secrets, my entire way of thinking to hurt me and bring me to my most weak and hurt position. I can't trust anyone. I mean, even Alex. He knows so many things about me, he could break me in an instant. Yet, he hasn't and out of some weird sense of feeling I know he won't. I wouldn't do that to him. What kind of people would that make us by breaking each other with our secrets? At any cost, we know too much about each other.

The point of why I bring this up (in case you're wondering)? This conversation left me thinking the whole night about my family, mainly my long lost dad (the first man who can say he dumped me).
I guess I just started wondering, who do I have to fall back on? Who can I count on and am I so wrong for wanting to be self sufficient out fear of getting hurt?

Your legacy will follow

Ah, competition is coming up this Saturday. It's only a couple of days away and while I'm nervous, I'm also very excited about it.

But, i've got other things on my plate.
Last night I began the search for a prom dress. I've got prom May 8 and May 22, attending both my bash and my best friend's bash. (For the record, I'm referring to my best friend of fifteen years... a guy. haha)
After years of lining up my Barbie dolls and buying prom magazines, it all narrows down to my Senior year.
While I adore my best friend to death, it would be nice if I weren't planning the minute details of his prom, considering its HIS bash and I'm the date. lol
It's okay though. Really, we both knew we would wind up as each other's date, mostly because his mom adores me to death and trusts no one else and because more than likely, I'm not going to get asked. Don't think I'm being a cynic. I'm being realistic. To be fair to guys, I'll admit that my interests and my personality are different and rather abstract compared to the other girls around the watering hole. (Yes, I used the term "watering hole". my town is small; live with it.)

Anyways, I've also got a new job at school. I am now my high school band's student aid. (It was either do that third period or take cooking class) As if I don't see the band directors enough! haha.
Maybe now, I can look towards getting a serious job, possibly blogging professionally or doing something that out of some miracle works well with my schedule.
Hell, who am I kidding? Here I am talking about prom and getting a job and thinking about the next few months that I can't even focus at the task at hand. In the words my director (damn, I have been hanging around the band hall too much) "handle one performance at a time. Sing your best at each one and your legacy will follow."

Love, Loss, and What I wore

I've come to realize that over times (especially over breakups) I find myself attached to clothes and the memories that are associated to them. This comes to me today of all days.
I can look at something in my closet and somehow remember the good (or bad) times that have happened to me in a particular outfit.
For example, I haven't worn the blue polo shirt that I wore the day of the split since then. But I can laugh about the time I wore my brown embroidered jacket with boots to the stock show last year in an attempt to not look so out of place (only to look somewhat like an idiot because the heels of my boots kept getting stuck in the mud (and not to mention I was freezing because that jacket wasn't nearly warm enough).
I still wear the purple sweater I wore on the Tyra Banks show often, not because of the show but because I actually feel pretty in it based on how dolled up I looked that one day in New York. My converse are the most comfortable I will ever feel. I can honestly say that I have had some good times, faced the harshest criticisms, and walked the longest roads in those shoes. Hell, those shoes have been constant and continuously with me through everything, even the day I said hello and the day after I said goodbye.
Clothes are supposed to be materialistic, artificial and soulless but when you think about it, the sentimental value of a memory associated with what you wear can make anything that much more meaningful. I look at my best friend's t-shirt and immediately think of his goofy smile and long lasting friendship. I can put on my denim skirt and laugh about how my friend Michael calls it "the skirt of no mercy." I can wear a certain perfume and remember that there was once a time where my goofy, loyal friend once teased me about not getting a meningitis shot.

Now, I guess I hold on to these sentimental memories, especially because I have new ones coming my way. Now I wear these certain bracelets that remind me of my friends right now. I wear my hoodie to sleep sometimes too, just to go back to that old familiar feeling of being comfortable and safe. I'm a new, strong and independent person this year. When it comes down to it, there's no such thing as a signature outfit. Just a signature feeling you get and the confidence you radiate from a good memory.

Escape.

My ipod's on shuffle, my mind is running in four million different directions yet somehow I'm fully aware of it all, and I'm finding myself in a rare train of thought. Maybe because this harpie in fourth period is getting on my nerves and I'd reeally like to hear something else and kick her to Switzerland until graduation. Sorry. Usually I don't lose my patience this easily but mariachi is wearing me thin and plus, I've been running on exhaustion and stress. I'm basically running on vapors, even though I've only been back in school for two weeks. Once again, escape is on my mind.
Hah. Escape. That's one of my biggest themes and most overused ideas over the past year. All along, I've so desperate to find an escape. An escape from this town I live in, my personal issues, issues with Alex, my flaws, my deadlines, my duties, myself even..
I think that deep down we're all looking for options and somewhere to run. I know I have, even if it's just for a day. Even though I'll admit that I'm aware that the responsible thing to do is face your problems head-on, I'd love to just escape for a bit and not tell a soul where I'm going.
I'd go blonde, change my name to Agatha Markfeld, wear flip flops in the winter and live in a cabin in Chalktaw Peak, Montana. I'd drive a truck that smells like peppermint, old leather and tobacco and wear one of those puffer vests with a faux fur trim. I'd quote Motion City Soundtrack, wait tables at the only diner in town and dream of meeting Conan O'Brian. And just for the hell of it, I'd develop a southern accent. (just because I can!)

Of course, not gonna happen (mostly because I don't have a driver's license yet and because I'd make a horrible blonde) but it's nice to just let my imagination run wild. Still, it even feels relieving to not be myself for a moment. It would be nice to be so not have to be so responsible for once. I like my life and the responsibilities I've come to gather but 24/7 isn't something someone my age needs. I'm already begging for a midlife vacation at the age of 17. I'd just love to be unjaded by the Alexes of my life and the downright horribly stupid dating mistakes I've made.
I don't regret any of it. Not one bit. Still I'd like to get a break.
You never know. look out Chalktaw Peak, Montana (if you exist). I might be there soon enough. Haha.

Scratch That

Scratch whatever I posted on my last blog.

Sorry but I guess I've lost my train of thought (not to mention I'm not so stressed anymore)
I can tell you this much though, lots came up.
Buuttt! To help you out with the super horrible (I almost felt like it sounded like soap opera) spoilers.

Here's what I was talking about:

1) The new point I've reached in my life is happiness with being single (this after HOW LONG??)
2) Alex and I have made amends (well actually this happened after I last posted but what originally happened isn't really fair to him to discuss.
3) My friend Marie is engaged! Congrats Marie! (I know... we were all hoping I had officially announced my engagement to a Mister Kevin McHale. ;D)




4) Yeah, I cut my hair. The before and after are shown below:
Before: (it's a clickable thumbnail)



After: (Again, clickable thumbnail)



5) My major life milestone?
I have been accepted to Texas State University, my first school to send me a reply out of the twelve I applied to


So I guess that's all I left you hanging on. Sorry this isn't better. I had no idea how to tackle this entry and I figured that this would be a simple way to attack it.

As you may have read, I mentioned that Alex and I have made a truce. It's official. We have ended the silent feud. More on that later, though. I've got some things I'd like to share. Anyways, sorry about my chaotic entry the other day. I blame... ugh, never mind.

I meant for this entry to be much... greater but, I'm rushed.... Craaappp!

Hey everybody!
Happy New Year and Merry Christmas and all that good stuff.
Sorry but this entry is kind of short. I've been writing "entries" down and i had a few good things to share but at the moment, I'm... STRESSED.

I've got a massive deadline for the newspaper and FOUR articles due by Thursday... and the yearbook staff is hogging the resources which frustrates me considering there's this... tart... who annoys the crap outta me and is annoying me even more because I have to wait for my turn at the word processors, simply because she simply MUST do her layout even though it's not due until next month whereas mine in due within the next few DAYS! Anyways, I just thought I'd clear the air and say that I'm here and I haven't crawled off the face of the earth. I'm just in a rushed predicament at the moment but I will tell you this much.

1) I've reached a new point in my life.
2) Something happened with Alex.
3) Someone's engaged.
4) I cut my hair.
5) A major life milestone occurred over Winter break.

Okay, so #4 isn't big compared to everything else but I'll explain everything later, I swear, but right now the tart left for lunch so i can work on my things now. It's okay, I don't have to eat. Grr....
Anyways, more later.

Oh, btw, the Dumpee Diaries Twitter isn't exactly updated. Since i can't mobile update with two accounts, the more accurate Twitter is my personal one. Sorry but I'll fix that soon.

Peace (unless you're in the Journalism office... then its chaos)

Jen

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