Day 43 [Written 5/6/09]

Now for the most part, you may be wondering what’s been going on since yesterday. Frankly, I don’t even think I’m sure of it myself. I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Maybe then I’ll figure out what’s going on.
Remember Andrew, the amazing guy who lives way too far from me? Remember how I developed feelings for him and how he felt the same way too? Well a few days ago, he brought up the possibility of wanting to call me his girlfriend but he was still unsure. He told me he’d think about it. Right then and there I got incredibly excited. I mean, Andrew’s this incredibly amazing guy, even if he does live so far away. He’s somebody I’d actually set aside everything for and try to work on the whole long distance thing.
So for the next few days, we both started thinking about how to make this work. Don’t’ get me wrong, I was thinking through this whole process pretty hard. I’ve been terrified since Alex yet hopeful too. He was flip flopping between saying yes out of the reason that I was different, yet saying no because of the fact that he was going to college in the fall and because of the 5 hour distance between us. He finally asked me, “I know what I want but I have to be logical. What do you want?” I made a foolish mistake. I really wanted him to stay by my side, and make this work. I wanted him to hold on. I thought he might actually be the one person to actually hold on to me. Instead I said, “Yes, I’d love it if we were together but I understand your reason for just wanting to stay friends. Right there I felt everything change and I knew I lost him. I felt everything warp in that instant. I wanted him, yes, but didn’t put up a fight. I lost.
The next day, after a stressful day which involved being heckled by Alex’s older brother while on assignment for the newspaper and scoring a 4 out of 5 on my AP mock exam, he confirmed what I already knew was going to happen. He said he reached a decision and it was that we should remain friends. “It’s better this way, after all… besides I needed a really close friend who’s a girl.”
I’m still pretty torn up about it but somehow made him think I wasn’t. He thinks I’m perfectly okay with this. I’m not, really but I’ll get over it. Maybe… at least I still have him as a friend. I haven’t lost him completely but I’m fed up with not being good enough for a relationship. Sure, it was the distance that’s to blame for us not being together or even getting close to trying but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just don’t want to tell him how really hurt I am. Then he’ll feel sorry for me and guilty. Nothing ruins a friendship like pity; this was for the best after all, but I’m just hurt.
Alex still isn’t talking to me, despite my attempts to lighten the situation and show that I’m over everything really. But right now I don’t feel like talking to anybody. I’ve been silent most of today, and my cell phone is dead after a long battle of trying to survive me constantly dropping it so I don’t think I’ll be able to talk to Andrew today. The only thing that’s possibly heard more than a few forced sentences today has been my mind, thinking and remembering how almost 2 months ago, I was feeling the hurt just like this. I guess the wounds are reopened again but it’s not a specific hurt, just a general hurt. It’s another lost chance to be happy, another sense of optimism that ends in disappointment. It’s ironic how trying to be optimistic ends in my disappointment while my angst and hurt end in an unexpected happily-ever-after. Maybe in a few days, while I wait to get a new phone, I can mull things over and try to get myself together before I can be friends with Andrew but right now, silence is exactly what I need. I want everyone to go away. The jury’s in recess. Won’t be back for a while. Jury needs to assess the need for someone to prevent isolation while in isolation. It makes no sense but maybe nothing makes sense for a reason.