Day 40

I finally have my first full, free weekend in almost 3 months. No plans, no events. Just lounging in my pj's with my curly hair in my face and a lack of eyeliner. It's nice to be at home with no engagements. I took the chance to clean up my myspace as well as my email.

I discovered I had at least 28 pages of messages from at least last year in my inbox and tons of messages, comments, and pictures from Alex that I haven't had time to delete. I looked over each one and got this pang of a flashback with each one. No sadness, just flashback. Now it's just like, "Oh yeah... I remember that."

I guess you could say what I'm feeling is alot like the song "Never Let You Go" by Third Eye Blind. I've considered that my favorite song of all time since I was about 7 when I first heard it in a hospital waiting room when my grandpa got sick. I've spent alot of my life's moments of revelation in hospital waiting rooms and that was no different. I discovered the song, loved the funny words and it's been stuck in my head since then. Now almost ten years later, I actually looked up the lyrics in written form for the first time and realized what they meant. The song is about a relationship that's no more and life keeps moving forward. In the end, it just becomes a memory in a book and the sting is what makes life better when you think about it. Talk about story of my life sometimes.

Let's be honest: based on me reading back at my past entries, some days are good and I feel like myself. Other days are not so good and I feel alone. The only consistent thought that remains is that I know I'm better without Alex in my life. I do not want to go back to him. I can't because that just means never moving forward. I've fallen for someone so much better than that who's just beyond words. Andrew just adds to my life. Despite the fact that we're not dating, I have a hunch that things would be different if we didn't live so far apart. Even then, he puts a different type of smile on my face. I don't have to try to be anything. I can be myself, vulnerable flawed and all. We can talk for hours a day, weeks on end and not run out of anything to talk about. He's something else... and here I was trying to convince myself that I was imagining that he liked me too.

But even then, meeting someone isn't why I'm happy. I'm happy because I can be myself again. I don't have to be afraid of stepping on eggshells, trying to avoid anything. I don't have to be something I'm not. I'm me again. This summer, I'm going to move with the flow, take no chances and be free. Free... I've been tied down for so long I forgot what that was. Now I can try again, and stop caring about perfection for one second. I'm liberated, even if I have my ups and downs everyday. Moving on is a process. I'm still not out just yet. I know that. But hopefully, this means I'm getting close.