Day 15

Yesterday would have been my 5 month anniversary. And on the eve of that, I began the first of two nights with Alex in my dreams. I talked with Alex more in those two nights of dreams than in two weeks of silence and do you know what's even worse? I don't miss him conciously anymore but these dreams make me think otherwise. Now I understand John Mayer: "when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." I still care for him sadly, and to be honest, I'm at war with myself about it.
This all began on the 4th. I advanced to Regional competition at the District academic meet, the first to do so in my event and 1 of 5 in my high school. And I would have never made it that far (despite 3 years of hard work and a long history with the academics community) if I were still with Alex. 5 months and I didn't improve of progress in anything. I was incredibly happy but did I move forward? Nope. Not as far as my credits show and two weeks of being free and I advance to Regionals, with a possibility for state.
As much as I know that he's not good for me and as much as I know that I can do so much better, subconciously, I still want him back. Conciously, I've moved on. I'm playing the field, meeting new people, texting profusely even, possibly making a connection. Now if only I could move my subconcuious mind to the idea. If anything, there's someone I really like now, who I liked before Alex and tried to convince myself I could forget during Alex but now that's he's here for me now through this whole process it makes me want to say something (finally) after months. But then there's my inner mind telling me not to and to hold out for Alex. Damnit.