Day 33

I've just discovered Alex took me off his friends on myspace. I didn't even know, nor did I think he would. It just became known to me today after who knows how long it may have happened. In a way I feel like such an idiot for thinking me and him could have so much happen and still expect for us to be friends. We were incredibly close before we started dating and were really close as a couple. It just seems odd to me that he can be so unattached after everything both he and I have undergone and just leave me with no answers. Just a burned down bridge for no hope on his part to speak to me ever again. Was I really so horrible of a person to just be left without a word? I try to talk to him as a friend, he ignores me. I attempt to wish him a Happy Birthday and he walks away like I'm not there. I give him a chance despite thinking he wasn't my type, and he proves me right.
Maybe it's better this way, just to be given a silent treatment but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. There was so much left in me and where I wanted my relationship to go. There still is so much left of me, just no one to share it with.
The day of my accident, I sat in the emergency room, saying nothing. My stepdad stood by my mom, leaving work and everything for her. I sat alone, absorbed in my own thoughts. I felt like crying the entire time, not because of the accident and the fact that I wasn't breathing right but instead because I knew that even if anyone knew where I was right at that moment, no one was going to rush to my side. Especially not the person I thought I knew. I loved the old Alex. Not the new one who's full of his brother's mannerisms, his new ego, and his freedom of me. The old one who made me happy and admitted he wasn't perfect. The one who I could call at 3AM when I had nightmares and would sing me to sleep when I was tired and couldn't sleep. It was in that emergency room that I discovered that I'm not only hurt and wistful for my past but also exposed, alone and vilnerable. I have friends who insist that I forget about him, that he was never good for me and that people do care about me. I don't deny that any of that is true but it's hard to forget he was just so good to me and it's hard to believe that any friend could fill the special place he earned. He's changed, it's that simple. He's not the same and will never be the same. I am not the same.
I'm living in photographs right now and I've fallen for somebody that has the possibility of being something, except the timing is wrong. He's about to start a new phase in his life and I don't want to hold him back. We both agree that maybe we can give this a try later, and that's what's best. This has nothing to do with Alex and thankfully it doesn't.
I guess you could say I'm in the stage of my life where I'm over it but still living in happy memories. I can't deny they happened, no matter what anyone says. I'm holding on to the happiness, not the person. I'm over the idea of Alex ever being my boyfriend. I'm just not over the idea that there may never be a guy to sing me to sleep ever again, or move the hair out of my face to see my eyes. Could any girl ever get used to that idea?