You're my personal form of Gravity

Today, I changed my Facebook status from single to it's complicated. I'm not seeing anyone nor am I fooling around with anyone. It's just that... well, it's complicated.
What would you say if everything you thought you knew was wrong? And what would you say if just one detail changed everything about your life?
I found out something that just made me think of alot of things at the moment.
Like I said... it's complicated.
Let's just say that I find it odd that the very same person who let me go into freefall by letting me go has also kept my feet on the ground and weighed me down to reality, only to have his agony make me stronger. He's my gravity and I just don't know waht to think about that. Especially with what I know know and what I can't share with the world. It's not something he did. It's just that after all this time and after the closure I found, it's like gravity. You can't go on without it and you don't think about it but when you do, you realize how every step you take from that moment on and everytime you fall and pick yourself right back up is because of that one little factor. And I hate it that he's it.
Yup. My gravity. I don't have to like it, but it's there. It gives him too much importance.

Look at the stars... look how they shine for you...

One of the strangest nights happened to me last night. I went to the movies with an old visionary of my past., just shooting the breeze. We went to the mall kind of late to catch one of the last movies of the night. It was quiet and somewhat relaxing to go to to the mall. It was quiet and somewhat unsettling to go so late. No one was around so we walked the mall together, talking and eventually we went in and watched the movie. We talked and laughed and still I find it odd that we both could relate entirely to the characters. It was quiet and subtle and exactly the right moment to be each other. In a mall with no one around on a quiet Saturday night, accompanied by someone who changed my life, I was finally unafraid to be vulnerable.
I got home and we spent the entire night on the phone... until my battery died. The conversation's contents will never be spoken of again but I can tell you that when my phone finally died, I couldn't sleep. It's strange how when you think life is beginning to settle down, there's a curveball thrown at you. I've contemplated this though before but never like this.

Don't Feel Afraid

So the milestones symbolizing one year blogging and one year of being single have come and gone. It was indeed surreal for me but now before me lies the rest of my life, unscarred so far and only the greatest gift anyone could ever recieve... the unknown.

On March 23rd, I walked the halls of school and went through the motions of another day. I went the whole day without anybody knowing what day it was or how far I had come. I went the day just like everyone else. It was liberating and a proud moment for me.

On March 26th, I ran into Alex and while it wasn't the greatest thing for me to indulge myself in irony, I went through the motions. I got to see my afformentioned long lost friend (the one who met my Russian penpal, haha). We laughed we talked, we caught up and I had a great time. I went on to win 1st place in Editorial Writing and advance to Regionals for the second year in a row. Score.

But, with everything great come other things we have to deal with. Nate and I had a conversation and he finally realized I'm not slowing down anytime soon and it's best to just let me keep going.

Translation? I scared off another guy. It's a yay/eh type of moment. While (and I'l scream this if I have to) I'M CLEARLY NOT READY for a relationship, a guy who hasn't given up on me after months is kind of scary. Being involved in all this relationship nonsense (or at least getting close) drove me nuts but then again, in the words of John Mayer

"Changes in life are like extra strength Gold Bond Medicated Powder. The burning means it's working."

In case you're wondering where I got this from, I'm on Twitter ^^. Still, very true minus the gross underlying thought behind it. lol

So, what's next? Who knows, but all I know is I've got alot of things to wrap up before school and everything else.

Day 365

Happy Anniversary, love.
It's been one whole year since the day he walked out that door.
Today is day 365. A new day that has yet to begin, and an old year added to my memory.

Prom?

Today, I logged into yahoo and saw this great story of a guy who asked a girl to Prom on National TV. This got me thinking about Prom.

It's funny because all my friends are getting ready. One bought a prom dress, the other is trying to figure out how to match her dress to her fiancee's Marine uniform... and of course, I sit by and watch. I decided not to go to Prom this year. I went last year and I had a blast

I decided not to go this year to just avoid the issues that come with Prom. I'd rather not get into the issue of attempting to find a date and plus it would save my parents tons of money for my college tuition. So I'm skipping it. So the question I'm facing right now is I'm thinking of throwing my own bash, my own personal form of celebration. It's not like I talked to all the people going to prom so it's not like it's going to be a major loss. So it's a good thing. I miss all this hubub.

Spring Break

Spring Break is over (Thank goodness!)
I think I just about drove myself insane. I can't stand not doing anything because it makes me overanalyze and think too much. I get myself into too many troubles.
Like tomorrow, I'm going to be able to jump back into work (Ah, how I love my job. ^^) And go to band practice. (Eh, not fun. Varsity band has sucked the fun out of everything) And then, the rest of my life.
This week, I've got challenges that I hadn't really thought of until right now.
Today is March 21st.
In 3 days time, I will be marking the one year anniversary of my split with Alex, marking 365 days of ups downs, lots of music, lots of phone calls and this crazy thing I call life.
On the 26, I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of this very blog that helped me figure myself out and get thigns straight as I documented it all.
On the 26th, I'll also be heading to Laredo for District UIL, hopefully to advance to Regionals again like I did last year.

One question: How did I end up planning this big opportunity to go out with my teammates and enjoy a night with them... and invite Alex along as a part of our complicated, red-tape attatched friendship... and not realize the day until several days later?
I'll have to explain that later (mostly because I still don't get it)

"... come on in. I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in."

Today, I had this very lengthy conversation with a friend of mine.
He's gay and currently happy with the love of his life.
My friend is also an ex-boyfriend of mine.
Today I found myself in another one of my brooding moods where I was mad at the world and just upset for an inexplicable reason. I found myself struggling a certain concept and I explained it to him.

I have all the potential in the world. I have these dreams, these ambitions and this potential to do so much. I've come a long way from what originally started in humble beginnings. Potential. Possibility. That's all that rings when I think about the Fall and the rest of my life. Yet, I find myself wanting something that I never really thought I would want because I never had it. The Dumpee Diaries, my story of trying to figure out life after being left by someone who was looking for something else didn't just start with Alex. The truth is that I basically grew up with that because of a man who left very early in life.
My parents divorced when I was very young. From what I can remember, at the ages of 4 and 5 they were already divorced. My mom raised me basically by herself. My dad, disappeared and never bothered to come back. I was raised by a woman who took the situation, a strong woman and not a single father figure. Since then, it's safe to say that every influential male in my life has left me. My dad, disappeared into parental oblivion, not even bothering with child support or even a letter. All my life, I've kicked myself, thinking that maybe he knew a sinking ship when he saw it and it's my fault he doesn't bother attempting to be a father. I grew up. I started earning titles, becoming my mother's pride and joy and being the child anyone would want. Still, no matter what trophy I earned or stellar report card I brought home, not one phone call or letter came for me.
I've struggled with this my entire life, knowing if my own father wouldn't stick around and see his first born grow up and become the adult her mother helped her be... then who's to say that any boyfriend or father figure would. Alex was the closest thing I ever had to someone who might have taken care of me and made me feel safe. I know it's stupid to look for it but I feel like I'm missing something and it scares me that I'm going to go my entire life with that void of acomplishing so much but still not being good enough to be taken care of. I know I'm foolish, stupid beyond belief to pin all this on a man I haven't even met and that I've got to make my own luck and overcome my obstacles and that it's stupid to pin this on Alex. I just...
My nights are hell because I know that no matter where I am, I know my own father isn't thinking of me and I know that more than likely someone else isn't either.

I told my friend this, and while he knew about my dad not being around, he didn't know what to say either. He struggled with it. He told me sometimes you just have to be open to happiness. I'm open to what life has to bring me. By day the concept works. By night, it's the mirror opposites that keep me up at night wondering what I did to feel so... empty.
 Truth is, I envy him. He has two parents. He had siblings and now he has the love of his life. While he can't be completely honest with himself because of his parents and the sometimes unfair prejudice that comes with homosexuality, he has more than I will ever have. I have potential. He has love from all sides. I don't blame my mom in any of this and I love her for all her strength and deep comittment to having me for a kid but... sometimes a girl needs her dad. Sometimes it's hard to lie to yourself and say you're complete when you don't know about half of where you came from. Sometimes, it just makes for one hell of a long night when you're awake, staring at the ceiling and praying to God that someone sends you a text or calls just to say they were thinking of you and wanted to make sure you're okay.
I'm still secretly praying for that phone call from my dad someday. As a matter of fact, my dad went looking for my mom a few weeks ago at our old house where my aunt lives. He wanted to settle the child support issue. He didn't ask to speak to me once. He handled the affair with legal jargon, lawyers and numbers. He left his number with my aunt to give to my mom. When she asked me to put the paperwork away in her purse, I put his number in my cell phone address book in the event that he ever calls, I'll know it's him. I'm still waiting.
What's sad is that I know I'll be waiting for that call for the rest of my life, just like I know that I'll be up many more nights hoping someone sends me a text that they're thinking of me and they'll take care of me like no one else ever did. At least I can live and hold a smile during the day, not having to face the long nights ahead.

The mantra lives on...

To what do I owe everything twisted in my life?
If I only had a nickle for every time I have said this...
Just when you think life might get back to normal, something crazy happens that throws everything you've ever thought out the window.
In this case, something so unusual happpened, I thought it was a glitch.
Alex texted me.
It's been a good while since he and I have had a good conversation where neither of us was throwing expletives at each other, and he NEVER texts me if he can avoid it.  I'm on Spring Break and I've been busy with work and friends and life that I haven't seen a need to text him or even talk to him. Sure enough to my surprise he texted me and *gasp* it turns out the twist wasn't in my life but his.
His girlfriend has some bad habits... something that shocked him (and out of a certain respect, I'm not going to post what the issue is because I know some people in our circle read this) Yet, he came to me to actually ask advice as a civilized human being. And I gave him my advice, he can take it as he will and I wish him the best, honestly.
Then maybe ten minutes later he went back to attempting jabs at me which doesn't surprise me. I'm just shocked that he's acting so civilized and for a long period of time (long by his standards) he was human towards me. Who knows what else is coming but my statement still stands.

"Just when you think life's about to get back to normal, something crazy happens."

You can quote me on that one.
I just got another text so... we'll see where this goes and if he can (not to be rude or anything) actually grow up.

I'm Not alone in standing strong and feeling weak

Good morning world,

I woke up after another night of staying up so late and thinking and feeling lonely.
I know it's not good for me, but I'm still stuck in the polar parallels of happy by day, lonely by night.
I'm approaching the one year anniversary of the split and the one year anniversay of this blog and I'm STILL going through these mini depressions at night. For months now, I stay up most of the night, thinking and feeling lonely. The silence bothers me but just the darkness of night is what makes me feel so alone. It's the thought that at night no one is willing to be at my side, willing to answer a phone call or check up on me at night just to make sure that I'm at peace. Everyone is asleep in their own world, in the darkness of night and the possibilities of the tomorrow. It is at night when everything is revealed and the truth is out in the open. While in the daytime, there is light, there are also shadows that people can hide behind. At night, there are no shadows. At night, I'm vulnerable, bidding my time until the sun comes out.
But even so, I'm happy that it's only at night. I'm sure I'll shake it off eventually, like when I get to college. By day though, I'm just so happy to be surrounded by many people, many opportunities and so much potential. During the day, I don't feel alone.
I know I'm not alone.
You know, there's this blog I read called Life through rose-colured Ray Bans and while she posts happy, beautiful and inspiring posts, there's a sense of human vulnerability that I can relate to so well. I know I'm not the only one who can be happy and vulnerable at the same time and that alone is a thought that makes me feel so... comforted.
I think everyone doesn't want to be alone, they just look for different facets of life to answer this univeral need.

We Didn't Start the Fire

Almost kind of like a twisted form of deja vu, I have been involved in yet another accident. In case you don't remember, last year shortly after breaking up with Alex, I was involved in a small accident that kinda made me crack a bit. Well, once again, I was involved in a bit of a situation that all started with a Hot Pocket.

This also comes with something I've neglected to mention. I recently started an internship in town at the radio station, working on stories and even appearing on the airwaves. Today in particular, I was recording the news segment for tomorrow. When I came out of the studio, I was greeted by a huge cloud of black, icky smoke. My boss and I (instead of hitting the floor and crawling out like they teach you in elementary school) ran out like idiots, coughing through the smoke. I just ran for my purse. It was only after running out like idiots that we discovered that the microwave got stuck on 2 minutes and set the hot pocket on fire.

My boss then came out with a charred hot pocket that was black... really black. I wish I had taken a picture of it, because it was just such an odd sight.

I'm okay, I just got a bit of smoke inhalation and my eyes were really irritated for a while but everyone's okay. For some reason though, I found the whole thing funny. lol

After we turned off the smoke alarm and cleared the smoke out with a fan, and opened every window in the office, my boss and I just realized we almost had a fire and died because of something incredibly trivial like a Hot Pocket. lol

That isn't exactly what I imagined for my death and in a huge sense of irony, the DJ on shift played "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel on the airwaves. When I got home and turned on Pandora, my station played the live version of that song. I couldn't stop laughing!

Last year, I was involed in an accident and couldn't stop crying. This year, I get into an accident and can't stop laughing. Is this a sign of my psyche or something? lol

One last laugh, though. Once I got on Facebook, I saw my boss updated her status. Our station has a twitter page and the slogan is "our news tweets louder." Here are the posts she put up on Facebook (and yes, I blotted out names and faces) (Editor's Note: Yes, I'm loving that my boss thinks I rock! lol)

At any cost, it was an interesting day and I really discovered that yes, it is possible to almost die as the result of a hot pocket and laugh about it later... and do this all while single. I don't see why people complain about work so much because I'm loving it!

I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me

Happy Spring break everyone!

Well, as you know by now, I celebrated my 18th birthday this past friday (and thanks to those who sent me texts, Facebook wall posts and myspace comments. (:

This birthday was surreal. I celebrated among friends old and new and opted to go bowling instead of to dinner. I was surrounded by so many people that may not have all been together had they not known me but I was thrilled just be with friends. Still, true to the nature of my life, nothing is ever perfect, but I prefer this goof over anything worse any other day.
They mispelled "birthday on my cake and I didn't even realize it until the day after my party when I was uploading all of the pics.

Fun stuff! lol. And what makes it worse is that my the cake decorator actually asked my mom to write on a piece of paper what she wanted to be put on the cake and then the decorator asked their supervisor to write it on the cake. At any cost, this just makes everything that much more enjoyable.

Still, even then, with yet another year of life comes the ever present thoughts of my past. I realized that Alex didn't call or even text me about my birthday. It's not like I was expecting anything but it only shows how hard some things are to let go. Alex's dad was nice enough to send me not one but two birthday messages over Facebook. One was the day before (in case he missed it) and the other was on the actual day of my birthday. It was really nice of him to do that and I honestly appreciate the efforts he made that his son chose not to. Facebook was kind enough to bring him Alex up when I saw one of my friends became a fan of the page titled " I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me." This blog wouldn't really be about my life after him anymore if little things like this didn't pop up and make me think about my life as it is now compared to what it was then.
It's moments where I see the parallels of this girl who was me

and this person of now

Last year, all I had was him. This year and now, I have so much more.
I wonder if he ever thinks about how life can become so different in a year or if he just stays stagnant in his own ways. I wonder if the things that remind me of you remind you of me.

Eighteen Candles... and two more big ones.

This week, I'll be celebrating my eighteenth birthday.
Eighteen. I can't believe it has been eighteen years, but in my perspective, a year since everything that ensued after.
This time this year, I was moody and fussy because I was turning seventeen, a whole 3 years older than Alex for a couple of weeks. I felt so old and like such a cougar. But things went their course. March is significant because on the 23rd of this month, I will happily celebrate one entire year of what has turned out to me one of the most significant years of my life. One year ago, Alex and I broke up. It was the best decision he ever made. On the 26th, I will celebrate a year of blogging with the Dumpee Diaries.
My eighteenth birthday and so much more this month... I don't know what to think. I just know that I'm going to have a hard time thinking of what to wish for when I blow out the candles this Friday. Everything is looking up and I can't believe my luck is changing.

Stranger than Fiction but sweeter. [Updated 2/27/10]

I have been meaning to blog for ages but I haven't been able to sit myself down and actually write about everything. Not to mention, I'm only beginning to grasp what's going on. I've managed to realize in this month though that just when you think life is going to go back to normal, there is no such thing as normal.
First of all, I hope everyone who read this had a decent Valentine's Day. Personally, mine came with a fair bit of red tape. Add in the complicated twists and my life's oddities are beginning to resemble a horrible Mexican Soap Opera. A week before Valentine's Day, I realized two of my exes (Sam, the yo-yo of commitment and the ex who asked my out under the influence of alcohol) are bffs. Wait! There's more. They discovered they both dated me and are bonding over it. There's one more twist in that. Sam wants me back. All this right before Valentine's Day!
Obviously, I shut the door on Sam before he could even step on my doormat. Good thing too. (this just keeps getting better)
I found out that shortly after I turned him down he was engaged!
:0
Engageeedd!
Then, Valentine's Day weekend rolled around and despite my best attempts, I was available for the weekend. Thus, Nate jumped on the opportunity. I tried to scare him off like I scare everyone off by telling him to talk with my parents.
He did, and sure enough, the Friday before Valentine's Day he surprised me with this massive flower arrangement. It was bigger than what my dad got my mom. X< What shocked me though was he tracked down my favorite flower (a certain type of lily) down to the point where he called in 4 different cities in the area to track it down. He then proceeded to buy me this adorable bear (that also happened to be at least 4 times bigger than what Alex got me last year) and he took me out to dinner... and then bowling... all this without me having to pay any part of the bill for the first time in my life. It was great and he's a nice guy but something happened that day that made me really put to the breaks on any type of relationship.
As you know, I was accepted to Texas State. While I was pretty happy with it, I wanted to wait towards the end of the month to see if I was accepted anywhere and if I didn't hear from them, I would just go on my merry way to Texas State. Since then, I have been accepted to:
-University of Miami
-Loyola University
-Texas A&M International University
-Baylor University
And the very Friday that Nate took me on a date, I received my acceptance letter from the University of Missouri, my dream school where I will be studying at the best Journalism School in the US.
Having been accepted to that school, I realized that there is no way I can get attached right now to anyone. Don't get me wrong. I tried very hard to convince myself to fall for Nate. He is a great guy and I feel like he deserves someone who can be with him without any complications. I feel like such an idiot but I know I'm making the right decision in not dating.
Apparently though, life just can't get anymore twisted.
Very recently, I reconnected with a friend of mine who I've known for years. Only to my surprise, she and my Russian pen pal, another good friend of mine are suddenly friends. This comes to a total shock to me. Two people from very different parallels of my past come together, and all without me even getting involved. While I think it's great that two of the most inteligent and interesting people of my life are now friends, it did kind of phase me a bit. They talk to each other more than they talk to me! Haha.
Like I said, my life is getting stranger than fiction but it's things like friendship and these new adventures that keep me going. When you put all the broken and random pieces together, it makes something very interesting. I can't wait for some new adventures. Right now, that's the only thing keeping me hanging on. I'll be leaving soon and while it's scary to leave the small town in Texas, leave my family behind and leave everything I have ever known, it's an experience that I'd be foolish to give up on. I just have to find the strength within myself to make it happen.

"Do not go gentle into that good night."

It's official. There are only two weeks until Valentine's Day. This means the conspiracy is fast approaching. Too late... it already has. Every year, right around this time, everyone likes to pour salt into an open wound and ask why you're single or mention that they have this great cousin/friend/co-worker that they could set you up with and what a great idea it would be to have us go on a date! Phooey. I am going to say this again. I am perfectly fine with being single this year. As a matter of fact, I'm looking foward to it. My cards have played out in my favor. The dreaded day is on a Sunday. My school isn't going to be accepting Valentine's Day deliveries because it's on a Sunday. I'll be busy that weekend. I refuse to celebrate a holiday that's full of false expectations, fake cheesy gifts and serves as the exploitation to all single people.
Even last year, the one time I celebrated Valentine's Day with someone, it was a bust. Alex promised me the world and a half last year. In the end of it all, I think I got him more than he got me. Not that the stuff matters because it shouldn't and doesn't matter to me but my biggest complaint was that I tried harder than he did. I managed to pull off Valentine's Day with a surprise morning serenade, a Build-A-Bear balloon bouquet with his favorite candies, a few school sponsored candy grams and a handmade scrapbook. He took me to dinner and the movies, mostly because one of my good guy friends suggested it the day before.
I guess I should have seen it coming by then but I didn't. Thankfully I'm spared the running up and down trying to figure out what to do this year. I can stay home in my pajamas and not have to wear makeup or go out and face the couples who are so full of it.
No offense to anyone who's dating or likes Valentine's Day. I've just always posessed a heavy vendetta against it. If it's not what happened last year, it's the standard average of three fake secret admirers I recieve or the lack of... romance on the day. One year I even sent myself flowers because I felt it was unfair that only girls with boyfriends get sent stuff on Valentine's Day. Everything else I get that day is tricksters trying to make me think that someone likes me. Thank goodness I won't have to deal with that this year.
It's almost like Carrie and Miranda would say.

Carrie- There's a whole lotta love in this place.
Miranda- Is it just me or is Valentine's Day this year on steroids?
Carrie- No, I think it was this bad this year. We were just playing on the other team.

Oh, what would Carrie Bradsaw say? Rather than humor myself and think about it, I'll just write, just like she would do in my situation. I've already started writing a little bit of my book. It's not all that great but the hardest part of writing anything is always the introduction.
I don't intend on letting anything stop me. I'm not going to go down without a fight, not with Valentine's Day or anything. Not now. My days of silent are over. Here's to writing that book!

Now...

When do I get to pop Valentine's Day Balloons? :D

News:

I've got a bit of news to share. Usually, when I say this it either involves my latest situation with Alex or some type of revelation that's usually a "Duh!" moment for everyone reading this. Well, this new tidbit is a bit different. Nonetheless, it's an important piece of news and it concerns this blog and my future.


I've been blogging for almost a year, and in two months, I will be marking the year since Alex and I split. In this time I've managed to nurse a broken heart, find a few losers along the way, realize my friends are some of the greatest people on earth, and all this without miraculously not losing my sanity in the task of documenting life after a breakup. I've inspired a few people, done some incredible (and incredibly stupid) things. And alas, I will continue to blog, mostly because I've gotten attached to writing again (and plus I feel that though it was a bad breakup, it won't be my last and I still have many more things that could happen.
Although I feel this, I have decided, while still blogging, I will tackle a new project. If you've been following me on Twitter, then you've heard the news but let me break it down.
Through much consideration and support from my circle of close friends (and some serious questioning of my sanity) I've decided to turn the Dumpee Diaries (its story, my entries, and my life surrounding this blog) into a book. I'm in the preliminary processes of drafting and writing, trying to figure out where to begin my story but it's a project that I think I can work with.
Believe me, I had to really think about this. Depending on how long I take to write this book, I'll be spending as little as a year or two reliving the details of my breakup and remembering my ex. Alex. I also had to be the decision (based on my seriousness on the project) to have to call Alex and ask him permission. As you know, Alex is just an alias I use since I change everyone's names except my own to avoid slander and libel. By now, I'm sure he's aware of this blog so he knew what was going on but what stunned me was not only was he okay with the book but he even game me express rights to using his actual name in the book! Andrew's going to be pissed, I know it...
In the end this is all certainly ironic. The biggest flop of my life so far has provided material for the book I've been longing to write all my life and if this works and I get it published, he will have defined my career. Alex: Don't take this arrogantly. I just mean that something negative turned into something positive. For me.
Now that you know, I hope that you can understand my situation. I'm not leaving my blog. I'm expanding it. Which brings me to something else. I've decided to purchase my domain name. Right now I'm just looking for a web designer to construct my page for me.
It's all for news beginnings but it all started here. I guess I got the better end of the deal after all.

Dance Floor Anthem

Well, we lost at the state competition but I'm trying not to dwell on that considering that I was the one who took it the hardest, mostly out of being a perfectionist and hating the result of it.


Anyways, I am in the bit of a rut, involving something I've been trying to avoid.

I'll admit it, since the split, I've been completely and purposefully neglecting to get involved in the dating scene. Thus, everyone's been trying to set my up, serving as matchmaker. To top it off, wether I like it or not, I now have to face the issue of a relationship. My friend Nate asked me out yesterday after I got home from the competition. For weeks, he's trying to win me over and prove that I'll be happy. He's been taking me out, texting me, and trying to get me to go out on a legit date. [Thankfully] I'm booked on performances, academic meets and band functions until early March (giving me plans even on Valentine's weekend.) However, everyone I know is at an off-balance about the situation. My best friend ( the constantly afformentioned guy of my life) is against it. (&& he's not into girls if you think that's what his motive is) I'm against me dating and so are my two other close friends. Everyone else though has been stubborn about the situation. Everyone (down to my mother) has been saying that I'm stupid for not wanting to date. Supposedly he's different. Supposedly not all guys are the same. At any cost, I'm not going to jump into a relationship. I haven't even given myself a year, and it's not Nate's fault. Nate's a great guy. He wants to take care of me and he wants to be a good guy but I just don't see myself dating. I have a career going, I'm getting my life back together and not to mention I'm the busiest person at the moment. I've got alot going right now and I don't need to be dating!

...

Right?

Something to fall back on.

Yesterday, out of some random twist, I ended up having a somewhat lengthy conversation with one of my exes.
For some random reason, what started out as a conversation about project runway turned into a discussion about life mottoes, our philosophies, and our thoughts of life in general.
He says, "you always need to have something to fall back on. A support system of some sort."
I told him I've always been rather self relient, mostly out of duty to everyone else. I work hard to make things flawless, I help other people to make their lives easier, yet who do I turn to. Not to mention, anyone can turn on you in an instant. I mean, I know it sounds like a paranoia way of thinking but I know there would be tons of people who would use my life, my inner secrets, my entire way of thinking to hurt me and bring me to my most weak and hurt position. I can't trust anyone. I mean, even Alex. He knows so many things about me, he could break me in an instant. Yet, he hasn't and out of some weird sense of feeling I know he won't. I wouldn't do that to him. What kind of people would that make us by breaking each other with our secrets? At any cost, we know too much about each other.

The point of why I bring this up (in case you're wondering)? This conversation left me thinking the whole night about my family, mainly my long lost dad (the first man who can say he dumped me).
I guess I just started wondering, who do I have to fall back on? Who can I count on and am I so wrong for wanting to be self sufficient out fear of getting hurt?

Your legacy will follow

Ah, competition is coming up this Saturday. It's only a couple of days away and while I'm nervous, I'm also very excited about it.

But, i've got other things on my plate.
Last night I began the search for a prom dress. I've got prom May 8 and May 22, attending both my bash and my best friend's bash. (For the record, I'm referring to my best friend of fifteen years... a guy. haha)
After years of lining up my Barbie dolls and buying prom magazines, it all narrows down to my Senior year.
While I adore my best friend to death, it would be nice if I weren't planning the minute details of his prom, considering its HIS bash and I'm the date. lol
It's okay though. Really, we both knew we would wind up as each other's date, mostly because his mom adores me to death and trusts no one else and because more than likely, I'm not going to get asked. Don't think I'm being a cynic. I'm being realistic. To be fair to guys, I'll admit that my interests and my personality are different and rather abstract compared to the other girls around the watering hole. (Yes, I used the term "watering hole". my town is small; live with it.)

Anyways, I've also got a new job at school. I am now my high school band's student aid. (It was either do that third period or take cooking class) As if I don't see the band directors enough! haha.
Maybe now, I can look towards getting a serious job, possibly blogging professionally or doing something that out of some miracle works well with my schedule.
Hell, who am I kidding? Here I am talking about prom and getting a job and thinking about the next few months that I can't even focus at the task at hand. In the words my director (damn, I have been hanging around the band hall too much) "handle one performance at a time. Sing your best at each one and your legacy will follow."

Love, Loss, and What I wore

I've come to realize that over times (especially over breakups) I find myself attached to clothes and the memories that are associated to them. This comes to me today of all days.
I can look at something in my closet and somehow remember the good (or bad) times that have happened to me in a particular outfit.
For example, I haven't worn the blue polo shirt that I wore the day of the split since then. But I can laugh about the time I wore my brown embroidered jacket with boots to the stock show last year in an attempt to not look so out of place (only to look somewhat like an idiot because the heels of my boots kept getting stuck in the mud (and not to mention I was freezing because that jacket wasn't nearly warm enough).
I still wear the purple sweater I wore on the Tyra Banks show often, not because of the show but because I actually feel pretty in it based on how dolled up I looked that one day in New York. My converse are the most comfortable I will ever feel. I can honestly say that I have had some good times, faced the harshest criticisms, and walked the longest roads in those shoes. Hell, those shoes have been constant and continuously with me through everything, even the day I said hello and the day after I said goodbye.
Clothes are supposed to be materialistic, artificial and soulless but when you think about it, the sentimental value of a memory associated with what you wear can make anything that much more meaningful. I look at my best friend's t-shirt and immediately think of his goofy smile and long lasting friendship. I can put on my denim skirt and laugh about how my friend Michael calls it "the skirt of no mercy." I can wear a certain perfume and remember that there was once a time where my goofy, loyal friend once teased me about not getting a meningitis shot.

Now, I guess I hold on to these sentimental memories, especially because I have new ones coming my way. Now I wear these certain bracelets that remind me of my friends right now. I wear my hoodie to sleep sometimes too, just to go back to that old familiar feeling of being comfortable and safe. I'm a new, strong and independent person this year. When it comes down to it, there's no such thing as a signature outfit. Just a signature feeling you get and the confidence you radiate from a good memory.

Escape.

My ipod's on shuffle, my mind is running in four million different directions yet somehow I'm fully aware of it all, and I'm finding myself in a rare train of thought. Maybe because this harpie in fourth period is getting on my nerves and I'd reeally like to hear something else and kick her to Switzerland until graduation. Sorry. Usually I don't lose my patience this easily but mariachi is wearing me thin and plus, I've been running on exhaustion and stress. I'm basically running on vapors, even though I've only been back in school for two weeks. Once again, escape is on my mind.
Hah. Escape. That's one of my biggest themes and most overused ideas over the past year. All along, I've so desperate to find an escape. An escape from this town I live in, my personal issues, issues with Alex, my flaws, my deadlines, my duties, myself even..
I think that deep down we're all looking for options and somewhere to run. I know I have, even if it's just for a day. Even though I'll admit that I'm aware that the responsible thing to do is face your problems head-on, I'd love to just escape for a bit and not tell a soul where I'm going.
I'd go blonde, change my name to Agatha Markfeld, wear flip flops in the winter and live in a cabin in Chalktaw Peak, Montana. I'd drive a truck that smells like peppermint, old leather and tobacco and wear one of those puffer vests with a faux fur trim. I'd quote Motion City Soundtrack, wait tables at the only diner in town and dream of meeting Conan O'Brian. And just for the hell of it, I'd develop a southern accent. (just because I can!)

Of course, not gonna happen (mostly because I don't have a driver's license yet and because I'd make a horrible blonde) but it's nice to just let my imagination run wild. Still, it even feels relieving to not be myself for a moment. It would be nice to be so not have to be so responsible for once. I like my life and the responsibilities I've come to gather but 24/7 isn't something someone my age needs. I'm already begging for a midlife vacation at the age of 17. I'd just love to be unjaded by the Alexes of my life and the downright horribly stupid dating mistakes I've made.
I don't regret any of it. Not one bit. Still I'd like to get a break.
You never know. look out Chalktaw Peak, Montana (if you exist). I might be there soon enough. Haha.