Updates:

Andrew commented my blog. He actually found MY BLOG.
His comment:

Jen, you have been become a tad bit crazier since i last checked. You dated "Alex" for approximately four months and you've continued to dwell on this "breakup" for seven months! please...Shut your fucking trap. The internet is ridden with emotional head cases blogging away about their problems; it doesn't need another one. I would understand if this "alex" was your husband and left you with a kid, but he didn't. Stop acting like its the end of the world Jen. You're better than this. Im not going to lie, you are pretty wierd, but you've got a good head. Stop being stupid, move on, you're still young, this is all stupid. Grow up and realize the world isn't a novela.
By the way,
this is "Andrew"

Grow up and work on your social skills. much love

My response?:

Dear

Andrew or whatever you'd prefer to go by, IDK.

I just got your comment on my blog. I'm actually pretty surprised more that 3 people read it. Anyways, about what you said.

Yeah, you're right, we went out for four months and yes it happened almost 7 months ago. I get you. But you've kind of misinterpreted the blog. it's not about how much I want your brother back. It's actually about documenting me moving on and life after him. Everything I write on there is just my reflections, the things that are going on and how I'm feeling, with no filters whatsoever.

Sure, it was brief and sure he and I dated a long time back but he was a great guy and things change. People change and that's normal. I take that to be a part of growing up as well as a part of life. He and I many never speak again and he could still hate me for all I care. In the end, I'm okay with it. I've grown as a person. I've become something else in the past 7 months that I'm positive I wouldn't have become if he and I were still together today. I'm not going to lie... I have my moments where I wish things were the same as they were but that's happening less and less. He's not a crutch. He's just a guy who made my life a little more interesting for a while.

I'm over it and with each passing day I'm at a healthier place in my life. That's all that matters to me in the end. Whether you find me insane or inspiring, it doesn't matter. I know who I am and that's all I could ever ask for. All I could ever want in life is to be myself and to chase after every dream I've got. After all, good things happen when you least expect it. I found that out myself.

In your own words, one love...

Ohhhh God...

Sam is back. Yes, Sam from my band banquet and that fiasco is back on campus. OOOHHHHH MYYYY GOOOOODDDDD!
He surprised me this morning while I was walking to class. I was just about to pass unnoticed when he gave me a grin.
Right now, I'm speechless. My hands are shaking, not really out of excitement but of shock... CRAP! Now what?

 

                       

                                             

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Homecoming...

Well ladies and gentlemen, it's Homecoming at my high school....
I've been a mess. I've been stressed with band and homework and the [HOPEFULLY] potential end to the football season.
To top it off, Homecoming reminds me off Alex. We started dating on Homecoming day last year.
You know, it's funny how his presence gets to me and it comes and goes. It's less and less though. Maybe it's just my busy schedule but I haven't had time to think about him.
Good riddance. I hope he's gone.

-J

                                       

                       

                                             

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Windows 7: I wanted more reliable, now it's more reliable. Wow!

Oh dear...

hello.
Sorry this is incredibly late. Damn school firewalls blocked Blogger and it set me back quite a bit. I don't really have access to a computer since my pc died at home >:
Anyways, here I am, blogging from my email. I'm gonna test email bogging right now so email me if it works at golden_quill2010@hotmail.

Much love. -Jen

                                       

                       

                                             

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Hotmail: Powerful Free email with security by Microsoft. Get it now.

Okay, everything should be on order. I fixed most of the kinks and successfully updated the layout.
If there's anything else wrong, email me.

<3 Jen

Yet another maintenence check.

Sorry folks.
Dumpee Diaries will be going through another maintenance upgrade today. I'll be revamping the layout and fixing some things so be patient if the layout looks funny.

-Jen.

I hate Firefox

Sorry for no new updates. My Firefox browser hasn't working great. For some reason my blog URL would load but Blogger wouldn't work at all so I haven't been able to get into my server. Anyways, that problem got fixed today. I've got another post almost ready for publication coming up soon.

Sorry about the problems.

-Jen

And so the nightmares began...

I'm getting worse. I don't know where to begin. All I can say is... he came back.

Alex came back and he came to see me. I wasn't even sure my eyes were working properly, but there he was for me to see. His hair still stood up the same way, his cologne still smell as inviting as I had remembered it to be and somehow he'd gotten taller. Still, he was the same Alex. His eyes looked somber and upsetting as his gazed locked with mine. Even after all this time, it dawned on me why I had missed him for so long. His eyes seemed to whisper, "I miss you too." After months of tossing and turning and crying and praying and attempting to forget, I knew. I wasn't alone. He was suffering like me too.

We faced each other in silence, the same somber eyes mirroring each other in identical reflections. He blinked , swallowed and said, "I'm back", his voice calloused and hoarse. The tip of my bottom lip quivered under the weight of words unspoken. Oh how I'd longed to say so many things.
"Where were you?"
"Lost, he said. "Now I'm back. I'm not leaving anymore." He tucked his hands in his pockets, sighed and proceeded to look at the grown, almost as if he felt guilty.
Silence.
Anything could have moved in the room; the world could have stopped turning and World War III could have broken loose and neither he nor i would have noticed. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. Maybe, just maybe I'd even forgotten how to speak. No matter how hard I tried to raise my voice, to admonish him for everything I had suffered, words failed me.
He looked up slowly and returned my curious gaze. Alex then reached for my hand. I cautiously moved my hand back. He hesitated for a second, almost as if he was scared too. "It's okay," he said slowly. "I promise I'm not going anywhere."
Our fingers intertwined and suddenly the world made sense again. From his hand I immediately jumped into his arms. Tears ran from my face. I sobbed and placed my head on his chest, breathing in the smell of his cologne.
"I missed you, so much, " I sobbed. He kissed my forehead.
"Me too," he whispered in my ear. "You have no idea. I promise you I'm not going anywhere."
I raised my head from his chest, looked straight into his eyes and when he kissed me, felt like I found my purpose once again. Nothing could be better than this, right here right now. He ruffled my hair like old times, buried my face in his chest and smelled his cologne again.

i closed my eyes and held on to the hug, immersing myself in the smell of his cologne. I buried my face into his jacket.


I awoke with a jolt and looked around, feeling the development of a cold sweat. The neon glow of my cell phone read 2:57 AM. I was alone in the darkness of my bedroom. He'd never come back. It was all a lie. I fought and screamed, praying sobbing, begging... all to bring him back. He was just here! I was in his arms! He kissed me! Please God bring him back!! Tears formed dry riverbanks on my face only to be renewed by new tears. It was all a dream, a nightmare and that wasn't fair. I cried until the sun came up. Then I put on my mask, patched up my wounded soul and walked out the door. They say that when you dream with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. I never even got to say goodbye.

5 Months, 3 Weeks, and 1 Day since The Split

You know, I just realized I'm at a stage in my life that isn't exactly the greatest , especially given the timing. On the year that is supposed to determine my entire future, I've discovered that I'm incredibly lonely. I have the isolation crisis that most single, middle aged women get in their thirties. I'm seventeen.
Right now, my life is about going to class early, long rehearsal hours, long study hours, coming home to reheat my dinner (and eating alone while finishing homework), showering in the morning because I'm too tired to move, and the intense determination to do everything because it means the satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I feel old in soul and my body can't keep up with what my mind wants it to do. To make this story short, I'm losing toch with my life. I guess I'm not a kid anymore.
It's frustrating because despite the good future building possibilities I have, there's no one to share with. My parents have their own worries and while I love them for supporting me, they never did what I'm doing now so they don't really get it. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away and because we're running in different directions right now, I hardly get to hear from him and I miss him dearly. The one person who became a part of my life and made things simple is gone.
Gone... Sometimes I catch myself saying that so much that it almost sounds like he's dead and I'm mourning his death. In a way, this was worse than having him alive and dwelling the earth because just knowing that someone who loved you and said the very words that made you the most vulnerable is still walking the planet in cold bitterness hating your very existence is the worst feeling in the world. At leas those who mourn the dead know their beloved loved them during their lifetime. Our relationship didn't go far physically but emotionally, he meant the world and knowing that he hates me and never wants to be in my presence is the worst of it all. That's what tears me apart.
That's why I feel lonely. I want to forget him and forget his hatred. I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I have every right to be happy. I only know of one person in the world who even sees me that way and his identity is only known to me as Penny
The thing about Penny is that while he excites me, he borderline frustrates me. I don't know who he is or what he looks like. I simply know him through words in a text message. I can't involve him in my life when his identity is a mystery to me. He could be anybody and there's nothing concrete about it. What sounds like a good concept in my mind gives me nothing physical nor tangible to grasp. That just drives me insane.
I want someone to hold my hand, to surprise me with spontaneous conversation... to bring me flowers and give me a new outlook on life. Right now, my mind finds itself a wee bit stretched... bordering on insanity. I'm getting flashbacks of memories and days spent with Alex. I wake up and hear his voice whispering in my ear. I walk the hallways and catch a whiff of his cologne or hear his voice even though I know he's in class hundreds of miles away.
Help, anybody?
Even though I know why I'm holding on so tight, I need to forget what I want and remember what I deserve.

The Flip-flopping that never ends....

Okay, okay. So I'm guilty of some serious procrastination here and to tell you the truth, I'm horribly sorry. Things have kind of come up in the worst of ways. I say in the worst of ways because I'm back to my episodes of missing Alex. I knew it was only bound to happen since I'd been doing so good without him.
I suppose it's because of the situation I'm in right now. In the 3 weeks it's been since school started, I've grown tired, frustrated and pressured. I'm making life decisions that I've been waiting to make, keeping up with class ring payments, keeping up with my band and other club duties and lastly, I'm fufulling my responsibilites as Editor-In-Chief, all while attempting to keep my life together. With SAT registrations and campus visits, and AP prep courses, it's only natural that I'm feeling lonely. Still, I refuse to sit myself in a meaningless, casual relationship. It just sucks being single because for once, I'd like to have someone to count on.
For those of you saying, "Well, what about Penny?" I have news for you. I still don't have the slightest clue as to who he is. F My Life.

Procrastination is my friend....

It was a busy weekend and I had a fair few things going on. Will blog soon

Day 152 [First day in school without Alex]

Today was the first day of my Senior year in high school. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I'd never pictured it would be so unconventional and so... me. It all started when I woke up at 4 AM... blame my bladder. lol I checked my cell phone to see what time it was and saw I had two texts. One was from one of my close friends.
It read:

Hey Seniors! Meet us at the civic center today at 6:30 as the class of 2010 gets together to watch the last "first sunrise" of our high school careers. We hope to see you there!

So, here I am... groggy and in a serious need to pee at 4 AM. The first thing that came to my head as a Senior? Fuuucccckkk... it's early. Still, I got out of bed, got dressed, did my makeup, and was ready by 6:10. My mom wasn't in much of a mood so my friend picked me up and so we rushed against time, trying to make that sunset. We made it with a minute to spare.
The sight? Simply amazing. Being surrounded by the people I've been around since I moved to this small town was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. I felt this bliss. It was like I was finally free but then, as I made my way down the freeway, I realized. This is it... it's my senior year. Months ago, I planned to share these moments with Alex. He was going to be by my side. Now, he's gone, more than likely still asleep hundreds of miles away. It was odd in the sense that I knew I wasn't missing him and I was feeling lonely, mostly because after years of climbing to the top of the mountain, the top of the mountain turns out to be really lonely. Then, in an instant, I'll have to come down from that mountain. No one can stay forever on that mountain and I sure hope not. High school sucked for me, to be honest.
Still no word other than texting from the secret admirer... but hopefully I'm close to finding out who he mght be. Keep you fingers crossed! :D

5 Months

It's been five months since we broke up...

5 months ago, I was upset, distraught, and pissed off in a way.

Now, 5 months later, here I stand, unrecognizable to even myself.

School starts tomorrow... my last first day in high school. Sure, I've got new shoes, new clothes and new accessories in my closet but is a new me waiting too? What have I become in 5 months? Surely, I'm a different person. Yeah, that's for sure. But what's left up my sleeve? Now that he's gone, in a different city, in a different part of my life, what is next in my life?

Day 150 [A fading summer...]

So, it seems as though the summer has come and gone. It seems like not that long ago my summer started and my mind was so full of things to think about. Now, I don't even recognize myself from two months ago.
Now I've got alot of things to think about, one of which is this secret admirer. He seems great. He's funny, witty, intelligent and seems to like me... what's the catch? He seems too amazing to be true. What's so wrong that he's hiding his face??

Oh, I had somewhat of a relapse the other day, if you could call it that. I was cleaning one of the rooms in the band hall and came across Alex's uniform label. I just lost my mind and attacked it with a pair of scissors. Before I knew it, I there were shreds on the floor and I felt oddly satisfied. That can't be normal, can it? I just hope that I don't attack him next time I see him. Maybe I am getting better at this. (:

Ta-Daaaa!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I successfully updated my blog layout!! It took long enough, but I had to uninstall all the widgets and then reinstall them. I had to make some sacrifices though. My "Quotation of the Day" widget disappeared off the listings and so I put the Benjamin Franklin quotes in it's place. Everything else though should remain the same.

Oh, also DD is on Twitter now!! I originally had a link to my personal Twitter but now I've expanded it to where now you'll get updates on my blog instead of the random things that happen to me instead. lol If you still want to follow me Personally on Twitter, you can click the blue button instead of the black one.

I'll be up with a new blog shortly. Thanks for being patient with my updates. (:
-Jen

Under Construction

Hey guys!
Sorry but today, I'm working on blog maintenence and remodeling the site.
I'll be back to blogging in a bit. (:
<3
Jen

A New Beginning

Its seems like time has been passing pretty quickly.
A new day has made its own way slowly but surely and it's good that I'm getting to a healthy place. I was talking to my best friend today (you know, the one who's high school Alex attends?) and he mentioned to me (lightly and clearly afraid of an outburst or explosion) that he saw and talked to Alex and this year's annual band picnic and how he just so happened to see him and say hi and talk to him. [Apparently, I've been seriously mood-swingy and temperamental because he said this all kind of fast, a sign that he was terrified of my reaction.]
I guess I surprised him (not to mention myself) that I just kind of shrugged it off and let it go. st like that, I shrugged it off and just let it go. Wow. It's about time, I guess.
Then again, I blame my new summer adventure, and this one is actually a good thing.
I have yet another secret admirer. Except this one is different. This one isn't trying too hard to win me over or tripping over themselves in utter fakeness. The "admirers" I'm used to getting are cheesy, incredibly unreal and just downright ridiculous. This guy actually makes me think. This guy did something that I'm not used to: he caught my attention.

Two days ago, I was fixing the content on my iPod (for some reason my photos wouldn't upload into it) and I got a text message from a random, local number. I figured it was a friend or another section leader or something. What I got was a picture of feet. Guy's feet. Big Feet. Clearly, I wasn't expecting that so I texted back asking what any logical person would. "Umm... who is this and why did you send me a picture of feet?"
He then sent me 2 more random pictures. Now,not only was I clueless but confused. And so, I kept asking "who is this?" I got this as a reply: "I thought you'd appreciate the randomness of the pic seeing as how you're random yourself. Intelligent too. So are you single?"
-"Um. Yes?Why? Who is this && how do you have my number?"
"I've known you for a very long time. It's sort of an unrequited love. I already had your number.I just recently changed mine. I've always been by your side as your friend, though."
A such, my mind was wondering and finally my skeptic kicked in.

"Okay, if you're my friend, you must know that I don't buy secret admirers anymore. They all tend to be disasters. How serious is this?"
The responses after that were not only cute but funny.
"As serious as my penny collection."
This is the pic that accompanied the text.

Then, the next text I got was adorable. The subject was titled "The Night Shines With Pennies"


The text? "Just like You shine every day in Band."

Okay. This guy caught my attention, and he's got it. Casually though, I asked him what his old number used to be, since he said he had recently changed it. His response was "That would be a dead giveaway Jen. I'm not a moron. I actually have an average IQ unlike your exes."

Touche!
This guy is funny too!
Immediately I invited him to a game of Truth, except I bended the rules to where I couldn't ask him what his name was so he'd play. Since then, we've been talking for the past few days, and it's been great. He seems to just get me. He knows about my dog, my best friend, my hometown, even some random shenanigan I got into when Iwas in Vegas with the band.He's witty, sarcatic, pushes my buttons and isn't tryng incredibly hard for my attention. He'great! The catch? Wel, I can't think of what friend he might be! My bff tried to help me by saying "Well, what guys do you talk to the most?" Well, that would help narrow down except well... the vast majority of guys I talk to are gay or have girlfriends. I mean I love my gay best friends but it doesn't help when I'm trying to identify a dark blue piece of hay in a black haystack. So, hopefully I have a real admirer this time. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

[Oh, btw. If there are any typos in this blog where words are missing letters, blame my keyboard. It's skipping letters and spaces on me, resulting in me retyping everything twice, and getting me frustrated. Sorry!]

Day 133... I think.

Maybe it's a good sign but even with the CountUp timer, I'm losing track of how many days it's been. No, that's not a maybe. It's definitely a good sign. A great sign. It's been quite a while, I'll admit. Still, he's under my skin, after all this time. Last Friday was proof of that. I guess I'm at the point in my life where I'm moving on from the old but not quite ready for the new. Sure, I've already gone full speed with my band duties but I have yet to find fulfillment. I'm making a difference, believe me, I'm trying to but... I still haven't found someone to share it with. Will I ever? It doesn't even have to be a relationship. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen to me and be there for me. And right now, I should have that.



Um, this kind of happened but I have a boyfriend. I've had one since the 24th. His name is *Lee. It's kind of a long story about that. I met Lee last year. He was my secret admirer, despite my experience with secret admirers, he was a full fledged legit secret admirer... and I fell for him. We talked on MSN all the time, and he made my summer beyond interesting. We'd made plans to meet in person when the school year started when one day out of nowhere he just stopped messaging me. Just like that he disappeared. After a month passed with no word, I just gave in and convinced myself that it was all just an incredibly cruel prank and none of it was really true. And so the rest of my summer passed, uneventful and lazy as all summers tend to be. The rest... is basically what made this blog. The events that happened after Lee disappeared are the reason I'm writing about the recovery of a broken heart.

Anyways, after a year, I'd basically forgotten, only remembering him on random nights when I couldn't sleep. Well, 3 weeks ago, he texted me. I was spooked. REEEALLLYYY spooked. While he was my secret admirer, I knew nothing. No phone number, no real name... nothing. It took me a while to realize it was him and alot longer to kind of really make sure he was who he said he was. It seemed like time never passed and so it wasn't long before we started dating.
Yeah, it;s great. He's amazing and all but he's so elusive. Right now I could use some support... and I'm not getting it. Well, it's this void that makes me wonder if it's all worth it. So for now, I consider myself single, mostly because you'd think that after a year of disappearing, a guy would try to make it up to a girl but... guess not. I still feel a void, mostly because the guy's disappeared and hasn't even texted me in 4 days. I'm done with waiting by the phone...
If you can declare a person legally dead after 6 months of being missing, then you can certainly consider a relationship over after an extended period of absence.
So here, I am. Basically in the same position I was weeks ago. Now what?

Day 129

Talk about a month of confusion and disaster!!!
It has been 129 days since the split and somewhere in those 129 days I got the most unexpected twist.

Alex is moving. He is indeed moving... to my hometown... and attending MY BEST FRIEND'S HIGH SCHOOL!! Yes, it's beyond magical and so very lucky that he's moving but ... my best friend's high school?! You've gotta be kidding me. This is just too much of a coincidence. Oh well.

As soon as I found out he was moving, I was beyond excited. I finally had a chance to be on my own and live my life (without his sarcasm and stupidity).

So the boxes were packed and he moved and I went on with my life as section leader in the band.
We started two weeks ago and it's been good. My partner and I are really trying to make this work. Just when I thought everything was finally getting back in order.... HE shows up to my afternoon rehearsal.

Among the first things I noticed:
1: He got FATT
2: Wtf is he doing here?!?!
3: He GOT FAT!
4: He had to choose (out of a football field sized slab of concrete) to stand on my side
4: HAHA LMAO. He got fatt!

Everyone in the band looked at me, anticipating my reaction. I didn't give them much to look at, appearing calm and collected. I'm a Section Leader! I can't get fazed by one person. I've performed in front of HUNDREDS of people before! On the inside, however, I was fuming. If my thoughts were on a speaker it might sound like this...
"OMFG! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?! CAN'T HE GO BUG SOMEBODY ELSE AND STAY HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY?!?! GODDAMNIT!"

I guess it was getting obvious because I was a bit fidigety and couldn't keep the lines going. My partner kept looking at me, and he kind of got mad but he knew what was wrong which was very nice of him not to comment on. By the end of practice, he said one little stark comment and I (thought regret doing it now) told him off.
CHEEZE AND FUCKING CRACKERS!
I know I shouldn't get irked by him and I know he's not worth it, and I know I'M totally stupid for giving him the time of day but why must I do so?!
Or, even better, why can't he like move to Japan and get confused for a whale? (Okay, I know. Now I'm getting mean)
Anyways, let's just hope I have some better news to type next time I blog.
<3 Jen

Day #... it's been so long since I blogged I honestly can't recall what day it is in my process....

Whoaa.... I'm guilty of some serious blog abandonment here.
Sorry to the 2 readers I have (I think)
I got grounded pretty badly (for using my cell phone. wtf, I know) and am barely touching the computer for the first time in a very long time this weekend. I'm still grounded. I'm just at my aunt's house for my cousin's birthday and she has amazingly let me use her computer. I swear, I haven't moved much. Now, back to business.

1st: Alex is possibly moving... to my hometown. The town I visit whenever I get the chance. His dad has a few job offers right now and most of them lead to my hometown. While it's awesome he might be moving, it's my hometown, and it kinda sucks though but there's a bit more positive to this. If he moves, it will definitely be waaayyy easier to move on with my life and not constantly be reminded that things went wrong.

I'll admit, I'm guilty of trying to find any excuse to talk to him... STILL after who knows how long. It would be simply easier if he moved. For both him and me. If only every ex could move, then life would be only too easy.

2nd: Andrew (Alex's horrid brother) did something simply shaming. It's soo bad I don't even want to begin to go into detail about it but let me just say... Andrew is such a slimeball!!!

But anyways, that's it for now. I'll try to do a full blog when I get time. (Currently I have a 1 year old baby cousin in my lap trying to type my blog for me) In the mean time, wish me luck on the Alex situation.