Hmmm...

It's the last day of Winter break. I know I should be like everyone else right now. Everyone's brightly dressed, exchanging gifts, exchanging love, hugs, smiles, excitement.
Everyone's in an eating mood, an exciting mood. To be honest, the only thing I want right now is to be curled up under my sheets and sit in a room lit by window sunlight and sit in silence.
I know it sounds kind of depressing, considering everything outside right now is gray but I'm tired of noise. I'm just tired and tried I suppose.
Lately, I've been doing alot and trying to make sense of more than anyone should really make sense of.
Okay, well there's been good things and bad things to happen in the past few weeks that have turned into eternity.
Our school's mariachi ensemble (the one I'm a part of) made State. I'll be singing for that.
I skipped my school's band banquet and decided not to go to my best friend's either, one because I got sick (as noted by my blog entry) but also because it's not fair to Alex.
My band director wants me to play tenor sax for solo & ensemble, this small competition thing. I play alto sx, and I'm not all too thrilled. I don't really want to learn a new instrument and be expected to play like i've been playing for years. Hmph.
As I've also mentioned, I'm slowly (though not willingly) transitioning into dating. A guy friend of mine who I've known for years wants to take our friendship to a relationship. He's great. he's smart, funny, independent, mature and actually a bit older than me. He's logical but interesting. Still, I don't find myself all that excited. He's great but I don't want a relationship. I'm just taking this reeeeaaallly slow, mostly because he really is a great guy but also because it might help to get out of my rut if I start seeing my options.
Anyways, in case I don't blog within the next few days, Happy Holidays.
Chances are, I'll be blogging again the morning after christmas and before New Year's wearing my pink reindeer pajamas, like last year.

Happy Holidays!

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news...

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have a quick tidbit to share with you.
At the moment I'm at a Journalism/Yearbook Staff party DJ-ing so this has to be kinda quick.

I've officially transitioned into the awkward process of life being single. I have ventured into dating again. No, I am not in a relationship. I'm just dating.
More later.

Loves,
Jen

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Sick.

I made the ridiculous decision to come to school today even though my stomach's been bugging me since last night.
I can't eat, I can't focus. I can't anything.Even worse, i'm basically flying solo through this. Personally, i hate being sick, especially when I'm nautious, mostly because illness and humiliation should never go together. I'm scared that I'm going to throw up on something or someone but I'm also not even in the mood to care.
Last time I was sick, you know who used to sing me to sleep. Sure, he was a bit monotone but it was better than nothing.
Augh, now I'm gonna throw up now. Damn you Alex for being a catalyst to my nausea.

      

                       

                                             

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Even If It Kills Me 2.0

"What do you do when your emotions are defunct and the phrase "trying to make sense of it all" no longer applies or makes sense?"



This was my Twitter/myspace status today and it's the one question on my mind, on top of everything I'd like answered. After an entire year of events, personal turmoil, success, failure, self discovery and self insanity, I'm determined... Desperate almost to clear my mind and stop listening to the incessant chatter.
In the words of Fannie May Louis, " I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
You know how when you forget to put the lid on a blender and pick the high speed setting and everything in that blender goes everywhere and it gets too messy to press stop so all that you get is more mess? For a lack of better words, that is exactly how I feel. I feel that blaahhhh, ker-splaat, messy, in-your-face mess. I forgot to put the lid on my blender and now all the contents of my life are spreading into the kitchen that is my mind. I can't find what I want right now. So far, the answers to escaping for just a little while are Scrabble, Glee, and... sleep. I can't wait for Christmas vacation. Oh wait, yes I can. It reminds me of you-know-who. He kind of killed my holidays, mostly because he was plastered all over them last year and now I've got to scrub all the mental memories out with a big bucket of bleach.
He can gripe all he wants, everyone can gripe all they want. What I need right now is less noise in my head and more stability. Sucks than no one gets that point at the moment.
I've just got to not let this get the better of me. I can't let him or anyone get the better of me. I'm gonna get through this
Even if it kills me.

Even if it Kills Me

Ugh, it's Friday morning.
Usually the best part of the day is Friday afternoon when I get to go home and today is no exception. We were supposed to go to school late because its suuuper cold but it got "warm". It went from 30 degrees to 40. I don't know about you but I'm still cold as hell.
Anyways, I found a new song that I relate to.

I've got a lot of things to do tonight
I'm so sick of making lists of things I'll never finish
I've lived here for the last twelve years
Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I'd settle every little stupid thing,
Yeah, you'd think that I would

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say that I want to try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way...

I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for a while but then I kind of gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem"
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say that I want to try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way...

I'm not saying that I've given up
I'm just trying not to think as much I used to
'Cause never is lonely little messed up word
Maybe I'll get it right someday

For the first time in a long time
I can say that I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part, but I'm learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is I'll never get over it,
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way...

I so want to get back on track
And I'll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me...

That's it for now but I'll repost later today.
Laters.

Word Vomit Part 2.

Now that everyone is aware of miraculous situation (and the abnormal circumstances I'm in, I can now continue to describe my situation at the moment.
After I got back from New York, everything changed. I could feel it even on the plane. I changed, Life changed, the people around me changed. Some of it has been great. Other aspects of it? Eh... not so much. It's interesting when you think about it. I guess you could say I've been thinking about it more than I should. Let me explain.
You see, going from my minuscule neighborhood of open secrets and cliquey surroundings to the wonders of New York really changed my perspective. For once, I didn't have to worry about other people or the disasters bound to ensue anywhere I went. I was at peace. There were grand buildings, real people and even bigger possibilities to make things happen. I know this is going to sound totally cheesy but my eyes opened at the mere idea that there really is a world waiting for me. The rest of my experience is basically on tape.
When I got back home though, I discovered how any little thing can define people. I'm omniscient to the fact that the entire experience was nothing short of a miracle. However, it changed alot of things in my life. People changed. Some became genuine. Others became fake. The rest? Unreal in their own character. I've become closer to my friends, my good, solid friends. I've discovered who I can never trust. I've also discovered that if you get one lucky break, a following will proceed- both good and bad. That's a part of life, but in spite of all this, the most important lesson I feel I've learned is that finding yourself can be a work-in-progress and any little thing can happen to make you realize who you really are.
I've been plagued with an issue for most of my life yet here I stand, stronger than before. I am who I am. I'm not going to be spooked by my own shadow. This is where Alex comes into play.
I'll admit, Andrew's right (don't get a big head, Drew. I have a point) It's been months since Alex and I were together. As a matter of fact, we've been apart much longer than we were together. Why do I still miss him, you ask? I ask myself the very same question. If you're reading this, chances are that you've followed my journey (or at least know what and why I started this blog) I've been through ranges of emotions and documented the majority of my process in recovery. I've been angry, immature, hurt, confused, happy, and very much lost in my own way and my own world for the past year or so. I look back and cringe at the moments where I acted (and reeeeaaallly sounded like a spoiled little girl/lovesick puppy) I also read at my entries and wonder how I can be this little girl but also on some days sound like an old woman, hurt and rejected, wounded by life. Alex was only around for so long yet he's played a major role in my life already, I've discovered happy moments, trying moments and so much about my character in his absence.
No, after everything's happened, it's only logical for him to serve as a catalyst for my self discovery. Still, I'd like to report he will be crossing my path in a very interesting setting. I'll be seeing him in December at my best friend's band Christmas Party. He's doing well. I'm doing better emotionally and definitely better careerwise. Only time and some optimism will tell to see what happens. If anything happens.

Word Vomit.

It's been a horribly long time since I've written, and I know I'm using the same excuses so for now I'll just skip it and go straight to what's been going on.
Ladies and gentlemen, I was a guest on the Tyra Banks Show. Hard to believe, but yes.
I was found on myspace and went through a heavy audition process and I got picked out of tons of kids.

The show and everything it took to be on it was such a whirlwind! I was first approached to do the show on myspace actually. I was logged in on Halloween and I was talking with a friend of mine. Sure enough, I got a new message in my inbox from the producers:

Hello,

We are in the planning stages of an upcoming show. I am reaching out to see if this applies to you or anyone you know. Can you relate to the kids in the TV show Glee? Do you feel like a misfit in school? Do you feel like an outsider? If you feel like you are like the kids in the show Glee, please message me back with the best contact information for you, or call me at [number removed] . Thanks so much, I look forward to hearing from you.

This made me immediately think of a hoax but I called anyways. Sure enough, I went through several interviews over the phone with multiple callbacks. My mom and I were convinced it was a hoax until they sent my mom an email about details of the show. The email address had @tyrastaff.com attached to it. I was then convinced. I didn't tell anyone I was even in consideration on the show, mostly out of fear that if i didn't get picked, I would never hear the end of it. Everything else after that happened so quick. I found out that I was picked to be on the show on Monday, boarded a plane on Tuesday morning and from there I was off to New York, all expenses paid. We arrived around midnight and were greeted by a chauffeur with a little plaque with my name on it (just like in the movies, haha)
My mom and I were driven to the hotel, checked in and woke up at 6 AM to be met by a producer in the lobby along with the other guests on the show.
We walked downtown Manhattan, observing the sights. Martha Stewart's show was right next to the show!! We then went in, and got searched by security (no cameras and phones allowed inside :<) and went into hair and make up. I was fixed up by a fabulous hair stylist and this great makeup artist who did wonders to me! lol Afterward, a stylist looked at my personal wardrobe and selected something for me to wear. Then I was miked and went through sound check. It seemed like eternity to be waiting backstage but eventually the other two guests and I were ushered onto the set. Surprisingly, the set was a lot smaller than I thought it would be. Either way, the producers set us up on set and told us what to expect. Then we were left alone. Before I knew it, the camera crew was counting off and Tyra came on stage! I had to look somewhere else or else I'd end up staring at her. lol Sure enough, she sat right next to me. The entire process was about ten minutes, being on screen and getting interviewed. On the show I was surprised by the cast of Glee, my favorite show on Fox! I cried! After the show went to "break", I got to talk with the cast and their manager was able to pull strings and take pictures with the guests and the cast.Once my segment finished, we were brought backstage and i was escorted out with a private car waiting to be driven to the airport. I got home around midnight, 3 AM really because we had to drive from San Antonio back to EP. Then I got a few hours of sleep, woke up, took a shower and made my way to the band hall for the pep rally and the game. In some cases, this was a good experience. I got to give a voice to others who are bullied and ignored, and I brought a face to the "geeks" around the nation. Now, people give me some credit. However, being only known for this and having Tyra Banks brought up at every waking moment is kind of irritating. Other than that, it is what it is. I mention this not because of the fact that I was on television but because of the aftermath and things that have happened. For one thing, my previous post that shows Andrew's comment. This happened in spite of me being on the show. People ... ugh. To be continued. But here's the video if you want to see it.

Updates:

Andrew commented my blog. He actually found MY BLOG.
His comment:

Jen, you have been become a tad bit crazier since i last checked. You dated "Alex" for approximately four months and you've continued to dwell on this "breakup" for seven months! please...Shut your fucking trap. The internet is ridden with emotional head cases blogging away about their problems; it doesn't need another one. I would understand if this "alex" was your husband and left you with a kid, but he didn't. Stop acting like its the end of the world Jen. You're better than this. Im not going to lie, you are pretty wierd, but you've got a good head. Stop being stupid, move on, you're still young, this is all stupid. Grow up and realize the world isn't a novela.
By the way,
this is "Andrew"

Grow up and work on your social skills. much love

My response?:

Dear

Andrew or whatever you'd prefer to go by, IDK.

I just got your comment on my blog. I'm actually pretty surprised more that 3 people read it. Anyways, about what you said.

Yeah, you're right, we went out for four months and yes it happened almost 7 months ago. I get you. But you've kind of misinterpreted the blog. it's not about how much I want your brother back. It's actually about documenting me moving on and life after him. Everything I write on there is just my reflections, the things that are going on and how I'm feeling, with no filters whatsoever.

Sure, it was brief and sure he and I dated a long time back but he was a great guy and things change. People change and that's normal. I take that to be a part of growing up as well as a part of life. He and I many never speak again and he could still hate me for all I care. In the end, I'm okay with it. I've grown as a person. I've become something else in the past 7 months that I'm positive I wouldn't have become if he and I were still together today. I'm not going to lie... I have my moments where I wish things were the same as they were but that's happening less and less. He's not a crutch. He's just a guy who made my life a little more interesting for a while.

I'm over it and with each passing day I'm at a healthier place in my life. That's all that matters to me in the end. Whether you find me insane or inspiring, it doesn't matter. I know who I am and that's all I could ever ask for. All I could ever want in life is to be myself and to chase after every dream I've got. After all, good things happen when you least expect it. I found that out myself.

In your own words, one love...

Ohhhh God...

Sam is back. Yes, Sam from my band banquet and that fiasco is back on campus. OOOHHHHH MYYYY GOOOOODDDDD!
He surprised me this morning while I was walking to class. I was just about to pass unnoticed when he gave me a grin.
Right now, I'm speechless. My hands are shaking, not really out of excitement but of shock... CRAP! Now what?

 

                       

                                             

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Homecoming...

Well ladies and gentlemen, it's Homecoming at my high school....
I've been a mess. I've been stressed with band and homework and the [HOPEFULLY] potential end to the football season.
To top it off, Homecoming reminds me off Alex. We started dating on Homecoming day last year.
You know, it's funny how his presence gets to me and it comes and goes. It's less and less though. Maybe it's just my busy schedule but I haven't had time to think about him.
Good riddance. I hope he's gone.

-J

                                       

                       

                                             

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Windows 7: I wanted more reliable, now it's more reliable. Wow!

Oh dear...

hello.
Sorry this is incredibly late. Damn school firewalls blocked Blogger and it set me back quite a bit. I don't really have access to a computer since my pc died at home >:
Anyways, here I am, blogging from my email. I'm gonna test email bogging right now so email me if it works at golden_quill2010@hotmail.

Much love. -Jen

                                       

                       

                                             

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Okay, everything should be on order. I fixed most of the kinks and successfully updated the layout.
If there's anything else wrong, email me.

<3 Jen

Yet another maintenence check.

Sorry folks.
Dumpee Diaries will be going through another maintenance upgrade today. I'll be revamping the layout and fixing some things so be patient if the layout looks funny.

-Jen.

I hate Firefox

Sorry for no new updates. My Firefox browser hasn't working great. For some reason my blog URL would load but Blogger wouldn't work at all so I haven't been able to get into my server. Anyways, that problem got fixed today. I've got another post almost ready for publication coming up soon.

Sorry about the problems.

-Jen

And so the nightmares began...

I'm getting worse. I don't know where to begin. All I can say is... he came back.

Alex came back and he came to see me. I wasn't even sure my eyes were working properly, but there he was for me to see. His hair still stood up the same way, his cologne still smell as inviting as I had remembered it to be and somehow he'd gotten taller. Still, he was the same Alex. His eyes looked somber and upsetting as his gazed locked with mine. Even after all this time, it dawned on me why I had missed him for so long. His eyes seemed to whisper, "I miss you too." After months of tossing and turning and crying and praying and attempting to forget, I knew. I wasn't alone. He was suffering like me too.

We faced each other in silence, the same somber eyes mirroring each other in identical reflections. He blinked , swallowed and said, "I'm back", his voice calloused and hoarse. The tip of my bottom lip quivered under the weight of words unspoken. Oh how I'd longed to say so many things.
"Where were you?"
"Lost, he said. "Now I'm back. I'm not leaving anymore." He tucked his hands in his pockets, sighed and proceeded to look at the grown, almost as if he felt guilty.
Silence.
Anything could have moved in the room; the world could have stopped turning and World War III could have broken loose and neither he nor i would have noticed. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. Maybe, just maybe I'd even forgotten how to speak. No matter how hard I tried to raise my voice, to admonish him for everything I had suffered, words failed me.
He looked up slowly and returned my curious gaze. Alex then reached for my hand. I cautiously moved my hand back. He hesitated for a second, almost as if he was scared too. "It's okay," he said slowly. "I promise I'm not going anywhere."
Our fingers intertwined and suddenly the world made sense again. From his hand I immediately jumped into his arms. Tears ran from my face. I sobbed and placed my head on his chest, breathing in the smell of his cologne.
"I missed you, so much, " I sobbed. He kissed my forehead.
"Me too," he whispered in my ear. "You have no idea. I promise you I'm not going anywhere."
I raised my head from his chest, looked straight into his eyes and when he kissed me, felt like I found my purpose once again. Nothing could be better than this, right here right now. He ruffled my hair like old times, buried my face in his chest and smelled his cologne again.

i closed my eyes and held on to the hug, immersing myself in the smell of his cologne. I buried my face into his jacket.


I awoke with a jolt and looked around, feeling the development of a cold sweat. The neon glow of my cell phone read 2:57 AM. I was alone in the darkness of my bedroom. He'd never come back. It was all a lie. I fought and screamed, praying sobbing, begging... all to bring him back. He was just here! I was in his arms! He kissed me! Please God bring him back!! Tears formed dry riverbanks on my face only to be renewed by new tears. It was all a dream, a nightmare and that wasn't fair. I cried until the sun came up. Then I put on my mask, patched up my wounded soul and walked out the door. They say that when you dream with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. I never even got to say goodbye.

5 Months, 3 Weeks, and 1 Day since The Split

You know, I just realized I'm at a stage in my life that isn't exactly the greatest , especially given the timing. On the year that is supposed to determine my entire future, I've discovered that I'm incredibly lonely. I have the isolation crisis that most single, middle aged women get in their thirties. I'm seventeen.
Right now, my life is about going to class early, long rehearsal hours, long study hours, coming home to reheat my dinner (and eating alone while finishing homework), showering in the morning because I'm too tired to move, and the intense determination to do everything because it means the satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I feel old in soul and my body can't keep up with what my mind wants it to do. To make this story short, I'm losing toch with my life. I guess I'm not a kid anymore.
It's frustrating because despite the good future building possibilities I have, there's no one to share with. My parents have their own worries and while I love them for supporting me, they never did what I'm doing now so they don't really get it. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away and because we're running in different directions right now, I hardly get to hear from him and I miss him dearly. The one person who became a part of my life and made things simple is gone.
Gone... Sometimes I catch myself saying that so much that it almost sounds like he's dead and I'm mourning his death. In a way, this was worse than having him alive and dwelling the earth because just knowing that someone who loved you and said the very words that made you the most vulnerable is still walking the planet in cold bitterness hating your very existence is the worst feeling in the world. At leas those who mourn the dead know their beloved loved them during their lifetime. Our relationship didn't go far physically but emotionally, he meant the world and knowing that he hates me and never wants to be in my presence is the worst of it all. That's what tears me apart.
That's why I feel lonely. I want to forget him and forget his hatred. I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I have every right to be happy. I only know of one person in the world who even sees me that way and his identity is only known to me as Penny
The thing about Penny is that while he excites me, he borderline frustrates me. I don't know who he is or what he looks like. I simply know him through words in a text message. I can't involve him in my life when his identity is a mystery to me. He could be anybody and there's nothing concrete about it. What sounds like a good concept in my mind gives me nothing physical nor tangible to grasp. That just drives me insane.
I want someone to hold my hand, to surprise me with spontaneous conversation... to bring me flowers and give me a new outlook on life. Right now, my mind finds itself a wee bit stretched... bordering on insanity. I'm getting flashbacks of memories and days spent with Alex. I wake up and hear his voice whispering in my ear. I walk the hallways and catch a whiff of his cologne or hear his voice even though I know he's in class hundreds of miles away.
Help, anybody?
Even though I know why I'm holding on so tight, I need to forget what I want and remember what I deserve.

The Flip-flopping that never ends....

Okay, okay. So I'm guilty of some serious procrastination here and to tell you the truth, I'm horribly sorry. Things have kind of come up in the worst of ways. I say in the worst of ways because I'm back to my episodes of missing Alex. I knew it was only bound to happen since I'd been doing so good without him.
I suppose it's because of the situation I'm in right now. In the 3 weeks it's been since school started, I've grown tired, frustrated and pressured. I'm making life decisions that I've been waiting to make, keeping up with class ring payments, keeping up with my band and other club duties and lastly, I'm fufulling my responsibilites as Editor-In-Chief, all while attempting to keep my life together. With SAT registrations and campus visits, and AP prep courses, it's only natural that I'm feeling lonely. Still, I refuse to sit myself in a meaningless, casual relationship. It just sucks being single because for once, I'd like to have someone to count on.
For those of you saying, "Well, what about Penny?" I have news for you. I still don't have the slightest clue as to who he is. F My Life.

Procrastination is my friend....

It was a busy weekend and I had a fair few things going on. Will blog soon

Day 152 [First day in school without Alex]

Today was the first day of my Senior year in high school. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I'd never pictured it would be so unconventional and so... me. It all started when I woke up at 4 AM... blame my bladder. lol I checked my cell phone to see what time it was and saw I had two texts. One was from one of my close friends.
It read:

Hey Seniors! Meet us at the civic center today at 6:30 as the class of 2010 gets together to watch the last "first sunrise" of our high school careers. We hope to see you there!

So, here I am... groggy and in a serious need to pee at 4 AM. The first thing that came to my head as a Senior? Fuuucccckkk... it's early. Still, I got out of bed, got dressed, did my makeup, and was ready by 6:10. My mom wasn't in much of a mood so my friend picked me up and so we rushed against time, trying to make that sunset. We made it with a minute to spare.
The sight? Simply amazing. Being surrounded by the people I've been around since I moved to this small town was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. I felt this bliss. It was like I was finally free but then, as I made my way down the freeway, I realized. This is it... it's my senior year. Months ago, I planned to share these moments with Alex. He was going to be by my side. Now, he's gone, more than likely still asleep hundreds of miles away. It was odd in the sense that I knew I wasn't missing him and I was feeling lonely, mostly because after years of climbing to the top of the mountain, the top of the mountain turns out to be really lonely. Then, in an instant, I'll have to come down from that mountain. No one can stay forever on that mountain and I sure hope not. High school sucked for me, to be honest.
Still no word other than texting from the secret admirer... but hopefully I'm close to finding out who he mght be. Keep you fingers crossed! :D

5 Months

It's been five months since we broke up...

5 months ago, I was upset, distraught, and pissed off in a way.

Now, 5 months later, here I stand, unrecognizable to even myself.

School starts tomorrow... my last first day in high school. Sure, I've got new shoes, new clothes and new accessories in my closet but is a new me waiting too? What have I become in 5 months? Surely, I'm a different person. Yeah, that's for sure. But what's left up my sleeve? Now that he's gone, in a different city, in a different part of my life, what is next in my life?