Day 8

It's been a week today since he left me. and the most awkward thing is this: You have no idea how awkward it is to see your ex, his brother and his dad all at once on a Tuesday morning. Especially when his dad waves as your ex's brother tries to blow you off, but not your ex. This is what happens when my mom drops me off late. Damn. Well, it's been a week and I feel better but I still miss the memories we had. We're talking now, at least but it doesn't bring back the friend I had. That's all for today.

Day 7

Things to do before my Next Relationship:
-Get a pedicure
-Travel somewhere this summer on my own
- Pierce my nose (stud, no ring)
-Read the new Sarah Dessen book.
-Write a chapter to the book you've been dying to write for ages.
-Create a band
-Audition for American Idol

"it's possible to be great and achieve greatness on your own two feet."

Alex has a funny haircut. Not funny as in he fixed it wrong, but as in bad, going to take weeks to fix and grow though it may not be the same funny. After weeks of postponing and contemplating a haircut, he cut it. Then spiked it. He is his brother's sibling and I can't help but laugh. Thank GOD for that haircut. I loved the way he fixed his hair when we were together but now that it looks different gone is the appeal he had for me. (yes, I'm aware. it's only hair but still. it made me laugh.) I can smile now.
I still have the prom dilemma. No date so far but. Eh. I've got a few weeks.
15 more months to graduation. 15 months until I move. I've never been so excited about a graduation.

Day 6 [Written 3/29/09]

Someone once told me that the best way to forget somebody is to write letter to the person who broke your heart explaining every feeling you had and then bun the letter, as a symbolic way to allow your hurt to burn. I tried that today but I stop myself, usually caught up in a memory then too distressed to continue.
Today I finally made sense out of why Alex and I didn't and probably weren't going to last. The truth was that at a time, we were both identical yet had enough differences to keep things interesting. He was smart, funny, caring... everything I could've ever wanted. Simply put, he changed. He has become an uncanny duplicate of his brother.
Even before I met Alex, I despised Andrew. Andrew thinks I'm prissy, hyper, and self disillusioned... in other words... a total psycho. I always thought (and still think) that he's lewd, self centered, tacky, vulgar, and every bit of a player that can be possible. He may possess some philosophy or sense of self deep within himself and no offense to the guy but he never was that nice to me in the first place and I'm not particularly attracted to the party animal type either. Alex is better than that (or was, rather) and his boyish charm was what attracted me to him in the first place. Sadly, but surely though, he's developed his mannerisms and sense of humor and every now and then, for a spilt second Alex turns into Andrew when he laughs, and they look identical.
I just don't see how Andrew could be as tawdry as he is if he's got an incredible family who is definitely not tawdry. Either way, it was inevitable that Alex head that route. As much as I love him, I could never stand to date an Andrew-lookalike, much less his twin.
I've been single for almost a week. It's time i do something for myself. I can exist alone. As an almost adult, I make my first adult decision.
I forgive him, completely. Though I'm not going to forget, I choose to keep going. I've seen enough misery and he doesn't deserve my sorrow anyways. March 24 was the day he broke my heart. March 29 was the day I started to put it together myself

Day 5

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept hearing my mom snore and as if that weren't enough, I remembered that Alex snores. So for hours I remained awake, listening to my iPod and playing Scrabble. I'm at a 92% winning rate with only 2 lost games (one of which I forefitted by accident when my iPod died) I've been stuck at home, cleaning, babysitting, and watching romantic comedies for the exception of the romantic endings where I usually change the channel.

I've got to try and get better at this. Really I do but it's Saturday, what can I do? I was never really social anyways. I'm more of a sit home, dinner party, old-fashioned person. I'm not a full blown social scene girl. What's next besides trying to find myself again? I'm alone and stuck babysitting with some serious bedhead from lack of sleep due to snoring and subliminal reminders of him. Normally I would call him and laugh about the situation but there's no one to call and laugh with this about. My friends wouldn't get it anyways and my mom would think I'm mentally insane.

Day 4

Today was a waste of my time. I attempted in vain to try and win Alex back. He wouldn't even look at me when I ambushed during lunch. The only thing I'm grateful for was that he didn't laugh in my face. Thank God I didn't cry when he said he was over me alreade. I managed to walk away with a bit of self respect and dignity, even though on the inside, I felt like crap. All the time we spent together and then he leaves me. Fucker...
Again, I'm grateful to my loyal friends, even if my parents aren't. My mom doesn't get why I'm in a bad mood. Hm... I wonder why. Maybe it's the fact that I have a dress for Junior Prom but no date. Or maybe it's just because I need chocolate to hold my teenage body together! Idk mom... what do you think?
I'm still torn between loving him and hating him. I tried watching tv right now, but then I saw his favorite movie and started to wonder if he was watching it right now and I almost picked up the phone to call him. I hate myself for doing that now...
Among the things I've discovered in the last 4 days are:
1) There is not enough food in the world to mend a broken heart.
2) Scrabble is the perfect stress reliever, especially in Band when I'm stuck with him, and I've got nothing to do.
And
3) People are idiots, especially for bringing up the last thing you want to hear ALL THE TIME!

The weekend is here and the last I saw of him, he was heading home. Peace from my own mind for 2 days. That's exactly what I need right now. I can only pray Andrew or Alex don't come up during the weekend.

Day 3 [Written 3/26/09]

Andrew talked to me today. Of all people, I never thought he'd have anything to say to me. It turns out he didn't after all. This morning wasn't all that great. I woke and my good mood from yesterday. They say that every morning starts out good... until you wake up. Now I know what they mean now.I'm not feeling all that confident. My friends are trying and I can tell. When does the nightmare end and when does life begin? Needless to say, I had to escape everything for just a moment, if only a moment. I escaped to my old hideaway, he one he and I used to go to just to shoot the breeze and talk. I sat there and thought. I took out my iPod and started to play Scrabble, still thinking and trying to make sense of everything. I guess it must've been a while because out of nowhere, Andrew comes up and says in his sarcastic voice, "What the hell are you doing here?" I stupidly replied," playing Scrabble." The game was always somewhat of a stress reliever and worrying about triple word scores took me to a good place. It's the only thing I didn't delete from my iPod for reminding me of him. "Go inside. Stop with the mellodramatic high school shit," said Andrew, then left.
Of all the conversations, that one is probably the one I'll play in my head for the rest of my life. Andrew may be a total arse but that may have been the nicest and only way he could really tell me to try to move on from his brother. I wish I could but I can't just forget 1/3 of my year. Seventeen weeks of my Junior year. How can I forget Homecoming, Christmas, New Year''s, Valentine's Day and my birthday? How can he?
Everyone's worried and honestly, so one's as worried as me. I'm trying to find the life I had but it's gone. He erased evey memory of my old life. I'm alone. I'm surrounded by people yet not one of them brings me what I want. I want him back, if not I want him to at least hold me one last time, to give me something to hold onto. What's left of me now?
They all say the same thing: I'm talented, smart, pretty, and I'll eventually wind up going places. They make it sound like I've got everything goign for me. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. The one thing they don't mention is how I lost the love of my life and how I lost my best friend.

Day 2 [Written 3/25/09]

Today was somewhat better. I went the whole day without crying and managed to hold my head up high. I hardly saw him and yet my stomach still seems to flip. Everytime I see him, I get delirious, almost getting the feeling back as if we never broke up. I'm imagining things. I sat in Spanish today and I could've sworn I could smell his cologne. I managed to hold everything together but then I was overwhelmed with nostalgia, then longing, then pain. I'm proud myself though. I didn't cry today.
I saw Andrew in the halls today. It was just a quick wave, some eye contact and he walked on, him moving on with his life and me trying to move on with mine. It was brief but enough to make me remember that he never liked me in the first place but now that I'm free from the bondage of his brother, he's still civil. Maybe all of his family really liked me after all.
Rumors are already swirling that Alex's flirting with one of my friends in the color guard. Even though she has a boyfriend and is certainly not going anywhere (not to mention the fact that she's too good for him) just the fact that rumors already exist is enough. Why can't people talk about someone else's life? What happened to Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse?
Let him live his life. I'm not saying today was easy but I managed to get out of bed, get dressed, not cry and live. Then again, there's a difference between being alive and actually living.
Now I just need to continue for a few more days until I can go into hiding for the weekend.

Day 1 [Written 3/23/09]

The first day was incredibly difficult. As much as I feel like I can stand on my own two feet, my knees buckle in with hurt. By now, his whole family knows; *Andrew [his older brother who never liked me; name changed] is probably throwing a party as we know it. Now that I think about it, the look on Alex's face when I tried to talk to him made him look exactly like Andrew.
I deserve better than that but the question is: will I ever find better? Probably not but the wounds are still fresh. I at least ate something today, despite my will.
This just hurts. I sooo want to stay under the covers for a long time. Maybe forever.

Alas, breaking up is hard to do...

It's seen in quite a few movies. The idea of a person, being vulnerable and choosing to take a step of support in order to better themselves and take their friends off their backs. It's the scene in the movie where a recovering addict of whatever form steps up out of a dark circle and says " Hi. My name is [insert name] and I'm an [insert addiction]. I am recovering."

I'll tell you this much. Hi. My name is Jen. I'm not an addict but rather a victim. Like countless people in the world, I'm recovering from a breakup. I'm tired of getting dumped. 99% of my relationships (no joke) have ended in my heart shattering. It's a cycle that continues to get on my nerves. However, in spite of my misery, I've chosen to document the ongoing pain to help others who may be feeling what I am now, or just to get everything out of my system. It's like an addiction anonymous meeting, but I'm going public. In order to get me though, let me explain my situation.

I'm a 17 year old Junior nearing the end of the school. As far as I know there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a well known girl on campus with a reputation for making a difference. I've been involved with my graduating class for my entire high school career. I'm a member of the band and a singer in the varsity Mariachi group. (I live on the border) I'm the news/feature editor of my high school's newspaper, The Herald and was head of the Homecoming comittee this year. I'm involved with student politics and I got nominated for "Most Spirited" in the Yearbook and got voted "Favorite Junior" by the Band. I have a good stable circle of friends. I'm in the top 25% of my class and I've never gotten into any serious trouble. I have a life and it includes school and friends. I guess you could say I'm pretty popular but not in the preppy, varsity Jock sort of way.

However, my love life sucks and for the most part I've begun relationships and had them end horribly. One guy broke up with me through email. Another made me dump him by cheating on me with my best friend. Another claimed to be drunk when he asked me out. The more recent ones left me for acting like a Freshman (during my Freshman year!) and for not seeing him often enough (he lived 123 miles away from me). I'd basically given up on the male species, given the circumstances.

It seemed as though my luck had changed when I met *Alex [name changed] He was a Freshman but slowly grew to be one of my closest friends. He helped me through my last breakup (remember the Drunk guy?) and soon, we ended up talking non-stop. Because we were in band together, he understood my busy schedule and also understood my real alibi for not dating. It didn't take me too long to figure out he was crushing on me and I was turning him down in my head already. Relationships got me into sticky situations I didn't need to be a part of. My closest friends begged and pleaded for me to give him a chance. They said I couldn't be alone forever and he'd shown more compassion for me than anybody else I'd ever dated. So 2 days before Homecoming, I decided to talk to him and tell him straight up that I'd known he liked me for weeks and (in my own words) "if you do decide to ask me out... well, I don't bite." The next day, he asked me to give him a chance, sharing that his milage with girls wasn't good either. He got cheated on too and his last girlfriend dated him, then dumped him, then told his entire school all of his secrets (he moved to the town his 8th grade year).

So from there it began, me skeptical at first. Within 2 weeks, I decided it wasn't so bad after all and that there were some good guys left in the world. For 4 months we grew close. He promised to stay by me for good, and to never doubt him. Everytime I had problems, he listened. I could call him at 4 AM if I had a nightmare and he would answer, just to tell me everything was alright. I met his entire family, down to cousins and uncles and older brothers, even nephews. I knew his dog, his parents, his hobbies outside of school. I got him involved in school and was learning how to shoot so I could go play paintball with him one of these days. He was supposed to go with me to prom and to get my tattoo when I turned 18. He was by my side through everything, going to all of my performances. I exchanged conversation with his mom, my love for mariachi music with his dad, and even braved the show barn when he entered his lamb into the stock show. He was always polite, and took me to restaurants I would have never thought I would fall in love with. We shared similarities and differences, and everything seemed to be great. I had already gotten him a new pair of Oakley sunglasses for his birthday as a thank you for the Steriling Silver James Avery charm and charm bracelet he got me for Christmas and my birthday.

I canceled my order when 3 days ago, Alex aside and decided that it was best that we break up. He cited my "clingyness" as his excuse and left it at that. No real explanation, just simple fuckwittage. I was heartbroken and he remained cold, quite a surprise to me considering he was really affectionate and lovable when we went to the carnival just a few days earlier. It's been days and I'm still hurt. Badly. He's moved on... fucker.

As a journalist, it has been said that in order to write well you must write what you know. This is what I know. I'm well versed (if not somewhat an expert) on being dumped, through no fault of my own. I've never cheated, I've never done anything overly rebellious and keep my hands and eyes to myself. I'm fed up with getting dumped by TENFOLD. This should be the last time I get dumped for a freason. Now that you know my situation, you'll understand why I'm choosing to document this. I want to help the female dumpees of the world to see why losers and jerks continue to dump us (as well as whywe continue to allow ourselves this type of agonizing, self-doubting humiliation to go on. Likewise, I'd love this blog to be a lesson to the males of this planet as to what women go through during a breakup and why you should stop dumping us! Forget "he's just not that into you"... we KNOW you're just not that into us, but you also need to know that we suffer.

So women of the universe, share your thoughts with me while I share with you my pain of moving on.