Okay, everything should be on order. I fixed most of the kinks and successfully updated the layout.
If there's anything else wrong, email me.

<3 Jen

Yet another maintenence check.

Sorry folks.
Dumpee Diaries will be going through another maintenance upgrade today. I'll be revamping the layout and fixing some things so be patient if the layout looks funny.

-Jen.

I hate Firefox

Sorry for no new updates. My Firefox browser hasn't working great. For some reason my blog URL would load but Blogger wouldn't work at all so I haven't been able to get into my server. Anyways, that problem got fixed today. I've got another post almost ready for publication coming up soon.

Sorry about the problems.

-Jen

And so the nightmares began...

I'm getting worse. I don't know where to begin. All I can say is... he came back.

Alex came back and he came to see me. I wasn't even sure my eyes were working properly, but there he was for me to see. His hair still stood up the same way, his cologne still smell as inviting as I had remembered it to be and somehow he'd gotten taller. Still, he was the same Alex. His eyes looked somber and upsetting as his gazed locked with mine. Even after all this time, it dawned on me why I had missed him for so long. His eyes seemed to whisper, "I miss you too." After months of tossing and turning and crying and praying and attempting to forget, I knew. I wasn't alone. He was suffering like me too.

We faced each other in silence, the same somber eyes mirroring each other in identical reflections. He blinked , swallowed and said, "I'm back", his voice calloused and hoarse. The tip of my bottom lip quivered under the weight of words unspoken. Oh how I'd longed to say so many things.
"Where were you?"
"Lost, he said. "Now I'm back. I'm not leaving anymore." He tucked his hands in his pockets, sighed and proceeded to look at the grown, almost as if he felt guilty.
Silence.
Anything could have moved in the room; the world could have stopped turning and World War III could have broken loose and neither he nor i would have noticed. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. Maybe, just maybe I'd even forgotten how to speak. No matter how hard I tried to raise my voice, to admonish him for everything I had suffered, words failed me.
He looked up slowly and returned my curious gaze. Alex then reached for my hand. I cautiously moved my hand back. He hesitated for a second, almost as if he was scared too. "It's okay," he said slowly. "I promise I'm not going anywhere."
Our fingers intertwined and suddenly the world made sense again. From his hand I immediately jumped into his arms. Tears ran from my face. I sobbed and placed my head on his chest, breathing in the smell of his cologne.
"I missed you, so much, " I sobbed. He kissed my forehead.
"Me too," he whispered in my ear. "You have no idea. I promise you I'm not going anywhere."
I raised my head from his chest, looked straight into his eyes and when he kissed me, felt like I found my purpose once again. Nothing could be better than this, right here right now. He ruffled my hair like old times, buried my face in his chest and smelled his cologne again.

i closed my eyes and held on to the hug, immersing myself in the smell of his cologne. I buried my face into his jacket.


I awoke with a jolt and looked around, feeling the development of a cold sweat. The neon glow of my cell phone read 2:57 AM. I was alone in the darkness of my bedroom. He'd never come back. It was all a lie. I fought and screamed, praying sobbing, begging... all to bring him back. He was just here! I was in his arms! He kissed me! Please God bring him back!! Tears formed dry riverbanks on my face only to be renewed by new tears. It was all a dream, a nightmare and that wasn't fair. I cried until the sun came up. Then I put on my mask, patched up my wounded soul and walked out the door. They say that when you dream with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. I never even got to say goodbye.

5 Months, 3 Weeks, and 1 Day since The Split

You know, I just realized I'm at a stage in my life that isn't exactly the greatest , especially given the timing. On the year that is supposed to determine my entire future, I've discovered that I'm incredibly lonely. I have the isolation crisis that most single, middle aged women get in their thirties. I'm seventeen.
Right now, my life is about going to class early, long rehearsal hours, long study hours, coming home to reheat my dinner (and eating alone while finishing homework), showering in the morning because I'm too tired to move, and the intense determination to do everything because it means the satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I feel old in soul and my body can't keep up with what my mind wants it to do. To make this story short, I'm losing toch with my life. I guess I'm not a kid anymore.
It's frustrating because despite the good future building possibilities I have, there's no one to share with. My parents have their own worries and while I love them for supporting me, they never did what I'm doing now so they don't really get it. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away and because we're running in different directions right now, I hardly get to hear from him and I miss him dearly. The one person who became a part of my life and made things simple is gone.
Gone... Sometimes I catch myself saying that so much that it almost sounds like he's dead and I'm mourning his death. In a way, this was worse than having him alive and dwelling the earth because just knowing that someone who loved you and said the very words that made you the most vulnerable is still walking the planet in cold bitterness hating your very existence is the worst feeling in the world. At leas those who mourn the dead know their beloved loved them during their lifetime. Our relationship didn't go far physically but emotionally, he meant the world and knowing that he hates me and never wants to be in my presence is the worst of it all. That's what tears me apart.
That's why I feel lonely. I want to forget him and forget his hatred. I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I have every right to be happy. I only know of one person in the world who even sees me that way and his identity is only known to me as Penny
The thing about Penny is that while he excites me, he borderline frustrates me. I don't know who he is or what he looks like. I simply know him through words in a text message. I can't involve him in my life when his identity is a mystery to me. He could be anybody and there's nothing concrete about it. What sounds like a good concept in my mind gives me nothing physical nor tangible to grasp. That just drives me insane.
I want someone to hold my hand, to surprise me with spontaneous conversation... to bring me flowers and give me a new outlook on life. Right now, my mind finds itself a wee bit stretched... bordering on insanity. I'm getting flashbacks of memories and days spent with Alex. I wake up and hear his voice whispering in my ear. I walk the hallways and catch a whiff of his cologne or hear his voice even though I know he's in class hundreds of miles away.
Help, anybody?
Even though I know why I'm holding on so tight, I need to forget what I want and remember what I deserve.

The Flip-flopping that never ends....

Okay, okay. So I'm guilty of some serious procrastination here and to tell you the truth, I'm horribly sorry. Things have kind of come up in the worst of ways. I say in the worst of ways because I'm back to my episodes of missing Alex. I knew it was only bound to happen since I'd been doing so good without him.
I suppose it's because of the situation I'm in right now. In the 3 weeks it's been since school started, I've grown tired, frustrated and pressured. I'm making life decisions that I've been waiting to make, keeping up with class ring payments, keeping up with my band and other club duties and lastly, I'm fufulling my responsibilites as Editor-In-Chief, all while attempting to keep my life together. With SAT registrations and campus visits, and AP prep courses, it's only natural that I'm feeling lonely. Still, I refuse to sit myself in a meaningless, casual relationship. It just sucks being single because for once, I'd like to have someone to count on.
For those of you saying, "Well, what about Penny?" I have news for you. I still don't have the slightest clue as to who he is. F My Life.

Procrastination is my friend....

It was a busy weekend and I had a fair few things going on. Will blog soon

Day 152 [First day in school without Alex]

Today was the first day of my Senior year in high school. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I'd never pictured it would be so unconventional and so... me. It all started when I woke up at 4 AM... blame my bladder. lol I checked my cell phone to see what time it was and saw I had two texts. One was from one of my close friends.
It read:

Hey Seniors! Meet us at the civic center today at 6:30 as the class of 2010 gets together to watch the last "first sunrise" of our high school careers. We hope to see you there!

So, here I am... groggy and in a serious need to pee at 4 AM. The first thing that came to my head as a Senior? Fuuucccckkk... it's early. Still, I got out of bed, got dressed, did my makeup, and was ready by 6:10. My mom wasn't in much of a mood so my friend picked me up and so we rushed against time, trying to make that sunset. We made it with a minute to spare.
The sight? Simply amazing. Being surrounded by the people I've been around since I moved to this small town was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. I felt this bliss. It was like I was finally free but then, as I made my way down the freeway, I realized. This is it... it's my senior year. Months ago, I planned to share these moments with Alex. He was going to be by my side. Now, he's gone, more than likely still asleep hundreds of miles away. It was odd in the sense that I knew I wasn't missing him and I was feeling lonely, mostly because after years of climbing to the top of the mountain, the top of the mountain turns out to be really lonely. Then, in an instant, I'll have to come down from that mountain. No one can stay forever on that mountain and I sure hope not. High school sucked for me, to be honest.
Still no word other than texting from the secret admirer... but hopefully I'm close to finding out who he mght be. Keep you fingers crossed! :D

5 Months

It's been five months since we broke up...

5 months ago, I was upset, distraught, and pissed off in a way.

Now, 5 months later, here I stand, unrecognizable to even myself.

School starts tomorrow... my last first day in high school. Sure, I've got new shoes, new clothes and new accessories in my closet but is a new me waiting too? What have I become in 5 months? Surely, I'm a different person. Yeah, that's for sure. But what's left up my sleeve? Now that he's gone, in a different city, in a different part of my life, what is next in my life?

Day 150 [A fading summer...]

So, it seems as though the summer has come and gone. It seems like not that long ago my summer started and my mind was so full of things to think about. Now, I don't even recognize myself from two months ago.
Now I've got alot of things to think about, one of which is this secret admirer. He seems great. He's funny, witty, intelligent and seems to like me... what's the catch? He seems too amazing to be true. What's so wrong that he's hiding his face??

Oh, I had somewhat of a relapse the other day, if you could call it that. I was cleaning one of the rooms in the band hall and came across Alex's uniform label. I just lost my mind and attacked it with a pair of scissors. Before I knew it, I there were shreds on the floor and I felt oddly satisfied. That can't be normal, can it? I just hope that I don't attack him next time I see him. Maybe I am getting better at this. (:

Ta-Daaaa!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I successfully updated my blog layout!! It took long enough, but I had to uninstall all the widgets and then reinstall them. I had to make some sacrifices though. My "Quotation of the Day" widget disappeared off the listings and so I put the Benjamin Franklin quotes in it's place. Everything else though should remain the same.

Oh, also DD is on Twitter now!! I originally had a link to my personal Twitter but now I've expanded it to where now you'll get updates on my blog instead of the random things that happen to me instead. lol If you still want to follow me Personally on Twitter, you can click the blue button instead of the black one.

I'll be up with a new blog shortly. Thanks for being patient with my updates. (:
-Jen

Under Construction

Hey guys!
Sorry but today, I'm working on blog maintenence and remodeling the site.
I'll be back to blogging in a bit. (:
<3
Jen

A New Beginning

Its seems like time has been passing pretty quickly.
A new day has made its own way slowly but surely and it's good that I'm getting to a healthy place. I was talking to my best friend today (you know, the one who's high school Alex attends?) and he mentioned to me (lightly and clearly afraid of an outburst or explosion) that he saw and talked to Alex and this year's annual band picnic and how he just so happened to see him and say hi and talk to him. [Apparently, I've been seriously mood-swingy and temperamental because he said this all kind of fast, a sign that he was terrified of my reaction.]
I guess I surprised him (not to mention myself) that I just kind of shrugged it off and let it go. st like that, I shrugged it off and just let it go. Wow. It's about time, I guess.
Then again, I blame my new summer adventure, and this one is actually a good thing.
I have yet another secret admirer. Except this one is different. This one isn't trying too hard to win me over or tripping over themselves in utter fakeness. The "admirers" I'm used to getting are cheesy, incredibly unreal and just downright ridiculous. This guy actually makes me think. This guy did something that I'm not used to: he caught my attention.

Two days ago, I was fixing the content on my iPod (for some reason my photos wouldn't upload into it) and I got a text message from a random, local number. I figured it was a friend or another section leader or something. What I got was a picture of feet. Guy's feet. Big Feet. Clearly, I wasn't expecting that so I texted back asking what any logical person would. "Umm... who is this and why did you send me a picture of feet?"
He then sent me 2 more random pictures. Now,not only was I clueless but confused. And so, I kept asking "who is this?" I got this as a reply: "I thought you'd appreciate the randomness of the pic seeing as how you're random yourself. Intelligent too. So are you single?"
-"Um. Yes?Why? Who is this && how do you have my number?"
"I've known you for a very long time. It's sort of an unrequited love. I already had your number.I just recently changed mine. I've always been by your side as your friend, though."
A such, my mind was wondering and finally my skeptic kicked in.

"Okay, if you're my friend, you must know that I don't buy secret admirers anymore. They all tend to be disasters. How serious is this?"
The responses after that were not only cute but funny.
"As serious as my penny collection."
This is the pic that accompanied the text.

Then, the next text I got was adorable. The subject was titled "The Night Shines With Pennies"


The text? "Just like You shine every day in Band."

Okay. This guy caught my attention, and he's got it. Casually though, I asked him what his old number used to be, since he said he had recently changed it. His response was "That would be a dead giveaway Jen. I'm not a moron. I actually have an average IQ unlike your exes."

Touche!
This guy is funny too!
Immediately I invited him to a game of Truth, except I bended the rules to where I couldn't ask him what his name was so he'd play. Since then, we've been talking for the past few days, and it's been great. He seems to just get me. He knows about my dog, my best friend, my hometown, even some random shenanigan I got into when Iwas in Vegas with the band.He's witty, sarcatic, pushes my buttons and isn't tryng incredibly hard for my attention. He'great! The catch? Wel, I can't think of what friend he might be! My bff tried to help me by saying "Well, what guys do you talk to the most?" Well, that would help narrow down except well... the vast majority of guys I talk to are gay or have girlfriends. I mean I love my gay best friends but it doesn't help when I'm trying to identify a dark blue piece of hay in a black haystack. So, hopefully I have a real admirer this time. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

[Oh, btw. If there are any typos in this blog where words are missing letters, blame my keyboard. It's skipping letters and spaces on me, resulting in me retyping everything twice, and getting me frustrated. Sorry!]

Day 133... I think.

Maybe it's a good sign but even with the CountUp timer, I'm losing track of how many days it's been. No, that's not a maybe. It's definitely a good sign. A great sign. It's been quite a while, I'll admit. Still, he's under my skin, after all this time. Last Friday was proof of that. I guess I'm at the point in my life where I'm moving on from the old but not quite ready for the new. Sure, I've already gone full speed with my band duties but I have yet to find fulfillment. I'm making a difference, believe me, I'm trying to but... I still haven't found someone to share it with. Will I ever? It doesn't even have to be a relationship. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who'll listen to me and be there for me. And right now, I should have that.



Um, this kind of happened but I have a boyfriend. I've had one since the 24th. His name is *Lee. It's kind of a long story about that. I met Lee last year. He was my secret admirer, despite my experience with secret admirers, he was a full fledged legit secret admirer... and I fell for him. We talked on MSN all the time, and he made my summer beyond interesting. We'd made plans to meet in person when the school year started when one day out of nowhere he just stopped messaging me. Just like that he disappeared. After a month passed with no word, I just gave in and convinced myself that it was all just an incredibly cruel prank and none of it was really true. And so the rest of my summer passed, uneventful and lazy as all summers tend to be. The rest... is basically what made this blog. The events that happened after Lee disappeared are the reason I'm writing about the recovery of a broken heart.

Anyways, after a year, I'd basically forgotten, only remembering him on random nights when I couldn't sleep. Well, 3 weeks ago, he texted me. I was spooked. REEEALLLYYY spooked. While he was my secret admirer, I knew nothing. No phone number, no real name... nothing. It took me a while to realize it was him and alot longer to kind of really make sure he was who he said he was. It seemed like time never passed and so it wasn't long before we started dating.
Yeah, it;s great. He's amazing and all but he's so elusive. Right now I could use some support... and I'm not getting it. Well, it's this void that makes me wonder if it's all worth it. So for now, I consider myself single, mostly because you'd think that after a year of disappearing, a guy would try to make it up to a girl but... guess not. I still feel a void, mostly because the guy's disappeared and hasn't even texted me in 4 days. I'm done with waiting by the phone...
If you can declare a person legally dead after 6 months of being missing, then you can certainly consider a relationship over after an extended period of absence.
So here, I am. Basically in the same position I was weeks ago. Now what?

Day 129

Talk about a month of confusion and disaster!!!
It has been 129 days since the split and somewhere in those 129 days I got the most unexpected twist.

Alex is moving. He is indeed moving... to my hometown... and attending MY BEST FRIEND'S HIGH SCHOOL!! Yes, it's beyond magical and so very lucky that he's moving but ... my best friend's high school?! You've gotta be kidding me. This is just too much of a coincidence. Oh well.

As soon as I found out he was moving, I was beyond excited. I finally had a chance to be on my own and live my life (without his sarcasm and stupidity).

So the boxes were packed and he moved and I went on with my life as section leader in the band.
We started two weeks ago and it's been good. My partner and I are really trying to make this work. Just when I thought everything was finally getting back in order.... HE shows up to my afternoon rehearsal.

Among the first things I noticed:
1: He got FATT
2: Wtf is he doing here?!?!
3: He GOT FAT!
4: He had to choose (out of a football field sized slab of concrete) to stand on my side
4: HAHA LMAO. He got fatt!

Everyone in the band looked at me, anticipating my reaction. I didn't give them much to look at, appearing calm and collected. I'm a Section Leader! I can't get fazed by one person. I've performed in front of HUNDREDS of people before! On the inside, however, I was fuming. If my thoughts were on a speaker it might sound like this...
"OMFG! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?! CAN'T HE GO BUG SOMEBODY ELSE AND STAY HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY?!?! GODDAMNIT!"

I guess it was getting obvious because I was a bit fidigety and couldn't keep the lines going. My partner kept looking at me, and he kind of got mad but he knew what was wrong which was very nice of him not to comment on. By the end of practice, he said one little stark comment and I (thought regret doing it now) told him off.
CHEEZE AND FUCKING CRACKERS!
I know I shouldn't get irked by him and I know he's not worth it, and I know I'M totally stupid for giving him the time of day but why must I do so?!
Or, even better, why can't he like move to Japan and get confused for a whale? (Okay, I know. Now I'm getting mean)
Anyways, let's just hope I have some better news to type next time I blog.
<3 Jen

Day #... it's been so long since I blogged I honestly can't recall what day it is in my process....

Whoaa.... I'm guilty of some serious blog abandonment here.
Sorry to the 2 readers I have (I think)
I got grounded pretty badly (for using my cell phone. wtf, I know) and am barely touching the computer for the first time in a very long time this weekend. I'm still grounded. I'm just at my aunt's house for my cousin's birthday and she has amazingly let me use her computer. I swear, I haven't moved much. Now, back to business.

1st: Alex is possibly moving... to my hometown. The town I visit whenever I get the chance. His dad has a few job offers right now and most of them lead to my hometown. While it's awesome he might be moving, it's my hometown, and it kinda sucks though but there's a bit more positive to this. If he moves, it will definitely be waaayyy easier to move on with my life and not constantly be reminded that things went wrong.

I'll admit, I'm guilty of trying to find any excuse to talk to him... STILL after who knows how long. It would be simply easier if he moved. For both him and me. If only every ex could move, then life would be only too easy.

2nd: Andrew (Alex's horrid brother) did something simply shaming. It's soo bad I don't even want to begin to go into detail about it but let me just say... Andrew is such a slimeball!!!

But anyways, that's it for now. I'll try to do a full blog when I get time. (Currently I have a 1 year old baby cousin in my lap trying to type my blog for me) In the mean time, wish me luck on the Alex situation.

An Attempt to blog again (Day 94)

Hello, world!
I just got back from band camp && I've got tons to talk about, considering the impacting week I've had but seeing as I haven't blogged in forever, here's my cheap attempt to get my blogging skills going again before I attempt to tell you my week at band camp (which will probably end in story overkill. :P) This is Survey #1 of DD.







1. Hows your life going?
I can't complain, though it would be nice if it were better.

2. What are you going to do this month?
With what's left of it, no clue.

3. Have you ever made or sung a song for someone?
Yes, that's how it generally works when you're a songwriter.,..

4. Something good happen today?
I woke up after an incredibly long sleep, cleaned my room and helped the environment by converting Carbon Dioxide into Oxygen...

5. Favorite Quote?
Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs.

6. What do you want to get done by Next year?
Be a Freshman college student in a University far away from where I live, learn how to drive, audition for American Idol and hopefully write that one great song.


7. One thing you wanna do this winter?
Have a happy blissful winter where I'm done with all my college applications.


8. Where do you want to go on vacation?
California or maybe even New York.

9. Halloween... You going?
Yes, I will definitely be celebrating Halloween. I don't care if I'm too old.

10. One person you're mad at right now?
Well, Alex (I'll get to that later) and Sam.

11. Favorite Chip?
Chocolate chip! lol

12. What did you do last weekend?
I washed my bedsheets and packed my clothes to go to band camp.

13. What are you doing this weekend?
Washing my clothes again to get ready to go to Laredo!

14. Do you owe anyone something?
I'm sure I do; I just can't think at the top of my head right now.

15. What are you gonna do for your birthday?
Hopefully, celebrate with friends and family.

16. What do you wanna do when you grow up?
Be a journalist, be a songwriter, be a politician, be a singer, be a writer... I hate the term "grow up"... it makes it sound like you're six and have this surreal idea of being alive. I prefer being told "when I get older."

17. One celebrity you would like to meet?
Make that celebrities... I want to meet Elizabeth Taylor, Christian Siriano, Jon Foreman (Switchfoot), Anne Hathaway... the list goes on and on...

18. Do you have a significant other?
No, and the reason for this is the inspiration for this blog.

19. Favorite comedian?
Ellen Degeneres

21. Best feeling in the world?
Happiness

22. Favorite thing to do?
Sing

23. Least favorite Subject?
Math

24. One thing you wish you knew how to do?
Speak Latin

25. Something you would say to someone you hate?
Some way or another, your hate is making me a better person.

26. What are you doing right now?
Babysitting, writing this and reading up on Michael Jackson's career.

27. Last road trip you took?
To Kingsville for Band Camp.

28. What can't you wait for next summer?
Because next summer means I'm going to college and getting away from my town!!

29. Whats on your mind?
Music.

30. Why?
Because I just left a music camp and I'm fixing my iPod.

31. Why did you do this?
Because I needed to get the randomness out of my system.

Day 87

Tomorrow is the next stop on my plan packed summer... tomorrow, I leave for band camp.
Yes, band camp, notorious for so many perverted things. I, however, see it as an opportunity to advance and grow in the music community... without the looming prospect of Alex in the background. I've got my suitcase packed, my iPod loaded, and my mind clear. I'm really looking forward to being away for a while... I mean, wouldn't you be if the crappy town you lived refused to let you forget the shitty things that happen to you? This town is too small... my high school is too small... to let anything slip under the radar, especially when I'm considered by some to be infallible.

The truth is, I'm not. I'm still struggling with him and my past every day. My breakup with Alex is like having allergies. Some days you're good, and others the irritation get so bad that it's impossible to ignore. Sure, you can try something to alleviate the symptoms but the condition is still there underneath, just waiting for a flair-up.

This summer is my last chance to patch myself up for good and pick up the pieces of my personal life. Sure I'm a perfectionist, while some call me an over achiever... maybe I'm guilty of being both. But the one thing I will definitely admit to is the fact that I put my professional life first, and my personal life second. My friends first, myself second. My family ALWAYS first, myself second.a I'm seventeen and already I have a highly anticipated future and respectable career as the high school activist. I'm the head of so many things and yet, I'm not even in control of my own life.
Like I said, this is my last chance to be different and run the reins of my own life for once. Once I go to college and begin this highly anticipated career, it will be way too late and I am destined to be a boring politician, so I better start now. That way I can at least be an interesting person in control of my own life.
So band camp, here I come and self-discovery is up next...

Day 69-82

Yes, I'm fully aware I disappeared. Sorry. Not my fault. Well it kind of is but not intentionally.

Within these days, my Junior year ended, my closest friends in the Class of 2009 graduated and I went on a whirlwind adventure thousands of miles from home.

First, the last day of my Junior year. It didn't feel like the last day of school, at least until I went into the band hall and saw at least 40 Seniors clustered into packs, crying their eyes out. Honestly, I felt for them but scrambled for the door. It wasn't until I was in the car with my mom that I remembered my band banquet was that night... and I had somehow managed to get hold of a date... and I had a dress I'd been fretting over for weeks in my closet. So I got home, and got dressed, and fixed my hair, and called my date. I arrived at the reception hall to see my date, my old forgotten ex-turned-friend, Sam. He moved a few years back and I hadn't physically seen him in quite a long time, and to be honest I wouldn't have recognized him if he passed me in the street. He hit a major growth spurt and was not at about 6 feet, gained muscle from football and now had bleached blond hair as a result from the constant exposure to chlorinated water that only comes from being on the swim team. I lucked out. This good looking, nice guy was taking me to my band banquet and Alex was dateless according to the rumor mill.


Then things got complicated. At my banquet, Sam opened the door for me, then went to get me a drink... total gentleman. That is, until he reached for my hand and interlocked his fingers, couple style. I looked at him, and he smiled back. Stupidly, I went along with it. The entire night he held my hand, held me like my boyfriend on the dance floor and even wrapped his arms around me when we sat down. All this was fine and dandy except... well... I'm single and I haven't seen you in forever! Once I got home, I fell asleep completely confused.

The next morning, I finally got the guts to ask him if he was just having fun or he still had feelings for me... He then told me it was a mix of both. Then Sam has the nerve to tell me about his girlfriend- whom he was "on break" with. Sure I may be single and a bit lonely but I am not stupid. I told him not to call me until he made up his mind. So he left it at that, and didn't call me. Good thing too.

Now for graduation... in my 3 years of playing at graduation with the band, no ceremony has ever been quite as unconventional as this year's graduation. Personally, I was very attached to the class of 2009, so it was only fitting that this year's ceremony was different. The salutatorian cried, the Valedictorian ( a friend of mine since Junior High) quoted Al Pacino in his speech and it made me laugh. I cheered for every single one of my friends and I went hoarse shortly after. Mostly though, I cried. I cried and smeared my eyeliner on their burnt orange gowns. I cried and took pictures and hugged them to death. Then I went home and packed my bags.

I got home around midnight (mostly due to horrible traffic, a given in a small town with two high schools) and made my last minute packing adjustments. I ended up waking up around 4, only to come back to the band hall . Me along with about 50 band kids braved the early morning and boarded a bus to California. Oh, did I mention Alex and his mom were on the bus too? Yeahhh... fun stuff...

The first 24 hours were difficult. I can only assume that a flight would have been more comfortable because sleeping in subzero air conditioning temperatures in a cramped seat without the ability to change into my pajamas. I did though, get my very first Hollister shirt when the band stopped in El Paso, Texas for a shopping break. I did, though, get peace. You have no idea how blissful it is to lose cell phone reception and see the sun set in New Mexico. THAT was beautiful.

Also, somewhere between the freaky time change from Central to Pacific , I developed time change insomnia, resulting me in staying awake for the long ride through Arizona. I looked out the window to mountain silhouettes, inspiring the heavy thinking that only comes with lack of sleep. I thought about everything in that ride through Arizona. I thought about Alex, about Sam, about myself and everything that had happened to me in the past year. I thought and contemplated and after what seemed like forever, I finally fell asleep.

For the extent of my 5 day trip, I did some fun stuff and some unbelievable stuff. I ate a grand slam at a California Denny's where I got ripped off $5 for a glass of orange juice. I ventured Disneyland like a little kid and got two tattoos. (Temporary, dummy! I'm still not 18!) Out of the unbelievable? I enjoyed the second day at Disneyland with Alex's mom. Yes, it was awkward when you think of the idea of me spending the day vacationing with my ex 's mother but in reality it was fun. We're both natural conversationalists so there was never a quiet awkward moment. Surprisingly enough, when Alex did come up in the conversation, I didn't freak or go quiet. I was actually enjoying the stories she was telling me of Alex and Andrew as kids. I guess it's just easier to imagine your ex as a kid rather than a fully blown semi-mature/semi-immature jerk. I don't care how much I hate him. Imagining Alex as a little boy brings a smile to my face. And to top it off, I later found out from my friends on the trip that he was bitching and nagging the entire time about how I killed his vacation and how it was so uncool to be hanging with his mom. So I gave him a break; I hung out on my own with my friends in LA.

On the last day in California, the band ate on the famous Boardwalk on the Santa Monica pier. The coastline was absolutely beautiful, and I had never even seen a real ocean shore before in my life. I was simply at peace. That is, until I went to clean up and go put on my shoes on before getting on the Boardwalk. I sat at the edge of the lifeguard station (they were off duty) to go put on my Converse. I gazed at the sunset and saw David. I waved; he glared at me, gave me a horrid, angry look and walked off, leaving me alone. Once he left, I cried. It was at that moment that I felt so lonely. While I realized that I miss what he used to be, I need to respect myself. I need to be on my own two feet and not crawling on my two knees.

The last day of my adventure was spent in Las Vegas. I got my portrait drawn by an amazing artist and got my final tattoo of a butterfly with stars. Then, after watching the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur (great show, btw... you've gotta watch it if you're ever in Vegas) I bought myself a ring that resembles a princess's crown as a final reminder that my prince charming might come my way someday. (Yes, it's cheesy. I'm aware of it but whatever works)

And just like that, my week away was over and done with. I ended up falling asleep on the bus's FLOOR and woke up in New Mexico. While it sucked that things turned sour, I was pretty glad that I'm free until I arrived home at 3 AM local time. When I got off the bus, I was greeted by Alex's dad, and pretty cheerfully too, considering it was 3AM and I resembled Morticia Addams in pink plannel pajamas when I got off the bus. He smiled and offered to give me a ride home but when I told him that my mom was already waiting for me, he offered to carry my luggage to the car. I would have totally taken hi up on his offer, given the bloated state of my suitcase and the 10 plastic shopping bags I had in my hands but I saw the peeved, irritated and 3-in-the-morning-cranky-face that Alex had and I politely declined. Yes I'm free but I'm not stupid. I can do things myself. Alex's mom was smiling, Alex's dad was smiling... everyone except me and Alex. If I haven't said it once, I'll say it again, I am free.; I am free for the rest of the summer. The rest of it is mine... all mine and I can't wait for the rest of my journey.

As always, some days being single are empowering... others defeating. As every broken heart can tell you, it's a groeing process.

Sorry it's long but hey... I was gone for 14 days. =]

Day 68

Well, it's been a long weekend that's had the weird misfortune of being both incredibly quick and horridly slow. Yes. The paradox suits my weekend perfectly.
While I didn't become drum major, I actually became section leader for the Saxophones, my instrument. I'm downright pleased with the way everything turned out.Even more, I've symbolically liberated myself. Right after tryouts, without knowing what the results were I've got what looks like an incredibly booked summer.
I leave for California on Sunday, right after graduation. It's all finally coming to an end I guess...
Then, once I get back I've got band camp (PLEASE don't start with the band camp jokes! lol I'm going because I'm section leader. =P) Then, It's straight to Journalism camp for me. (I got the Editor-in-Chief position =D) Right after that, I've got Senior portraits/American Idol auditions unitl I finally wrap it up with Freshman summer band where I teach the fishies how to march in the band.

It's a whirlwind of summer plans but really, I'm just thrilled I get to escape reality for a bit before I come abck and see Alex. Hopefully, I'll have changed. Hopefully, I'll be more carefree. And hopefully (this is a big Hope) I'll have forgotten him in midst of all the miles I've traveled.