Day 69-82

Yes, I'm fully aware I disappeared. Sorry. Not my fault. Well it kind of is but not intentionally.

Within these days, my Junior year ended, my closest friends in the Class of 2009 graduated and I went on a whirlwind adventure thousands of miles from home.

First, the last day of my Junior year. It didn't feel like the last day of school, at least until I went into the band hall and saw at least 40 Seniors clustered into packs, crying their eyes out. Honestly, I felt for them but scrambled for the door. It wasn't until I was in the car with my mom that I remembered my band banquet was that night... and I had somehow managed to get hold of a date... and I had a dress I'd been fretting over for weeks in my closet. So I got home, and got dressed, and fixed my hair, and called my date. I arrived at the reception hall to see my date, my old forgotten ex-turned-friend, Sam. He moved a few years back and I hadn't physically seen him in quite a long time, and to be honest I wouldn't have recognized him if he passed me in the street. He hit a major growth spurt and was not at about 6 feet, gained muscle from football and now had bleached blond hair as a result from the constant exposure to chlorinated water that only comes from being on the swim team. I lucked out. This good looking, nice guy was taking me to my band banquet and Alex was dateless according to the rumor mill.


Then things got complicated. At my banquet, Sam opened the door for me, then went to get me a drink... total gentleman. That is, until he reached for my hand and interlocked his fingers, couple style. I looked at him, and he smiled back. Stupidly, I went along with it. The entire night he held my hand, held me like my boyfriend on the dance floor and even wrapped his arms around me when we sat down. All this was fine and dandy except... well... I'm single and I haven't seen you in forever! Once I got home, I fell asleep completely confused.

The next morning, I finally got the guts to ask him if he was just having fun or he still had feelings for me... He then told me it was a mix of both. Then Sam has the nerve to tell me about his girlfriend- whom he was "on break" with. Sure I may be single and a bit lonely but I am not stupid. I told him not to call me until he made up his mind. So he left it at that, and didn't call me. Good thing too.

Now for graduation... in my 3 years of playing at graduation with the band, no ceremony has ever been quite as unconventional as this year's graduation. Personally, I was very attached to the class of 2009, so it was only fitting that this year's ceremony was different. The salutatorian cried, the Valedictorian ( a friend of mine since Junior High) quoted Al Pacino in his speech and it made me laugh. I cheered for every single one of my friends and I went hoarse shortly after. Mostly though, I cried. I cried and smeared my eyeliner on their burnt orange gowns. I cried and took pictures and hugged them to death. Then I went home and packed my bags.

I got home around midnight (mostly due to horrible traffic, a given in a small town with two high schools) and made my last minute packing adjustments. I ended up waking up around 4, only to come back to the band hall . Me along with about 50 band kids braved the early morning and boarded a bus to California. Oh, did I mention Alex and his mom were on the bus too? Yeahhh... fun stuff...

The first 24 hours were difficult. I can only assume that a flight would have been more comfortable because sleeping in subzero air conditioning temperatures in a cramped seat without the ability to change into my pajamas. I did though, get my very first Hollister shirt when the band stopped in El Paso, Texas for a shopping break. I did, though, get peace. You have no idea how blissful it is to lose cell phone reception and see the sun set in New Mexico. THAT was beautiful.

Also, somewhere between the freaky time change from Central to Pacific , I developed time change insomnia, resulting me in staying awake for the long ride through Arizona. I looked out the window to mountain silhouettes, inspiring the heavy thinking that only comes with lack of sleep. I thought about everything in that ride through Arizona. I thought about Alex, about Sam, about myself and everything that had happened to me in the past year. I thought and contemplated and after what seemed like forever, I finally fell asleep.

For the extent of my 5 day trip, I did some fun stuff and some unbelievable stuff. I ate a grand slam at a California Denny's where I got ripped off $5 for a glass of orange juice. I ventured Disneyland like a little kid and got two tattoos. (Temporary, dummy! I'm still not 18!) Out of the unbelievable? I enjoyed the second day at Disneyland with Alex's mom. Yes, it was awkward when you think of the idea of me spending the day vacationing with my ex 's mother but in reality it was fun. We're both natural conversationalists so there was never a quiet awkward moment. Surprisingly enough, when Alex did come up in the conversation, I didn't freak or go quiet. I was actually enjoying the stories she was telling me of Alex and Andrew as kids. I guess it's just easier to imagine your ex as a kid rather than a fully blown semi-mature/semi-immature jerk. I don't care how much I hate him. Imagining Alex as a little boy brings a smile to my face. And to top it off, I later found out from my friends on the trip that he was bitching and nagging the entire time about how I killed his vacation and how it was so uncool to be hanging with his mom. So I gave him a break; I hung out on my own with my friends in LA.

On the last day in California, the band ate on the famous Boardwalk on the Santa Monica pier. The coastline was absolutely beautiful, and I had never even seen a real ocean shore before in my life. I was simply at peace. That is, until I went to clean up and go put on my shoes on before getting on the Boardwalk. I sat at the edge of the lifeguard station (they were off duty) to go put on my Converse. I gazed at the sunset and saw David. I waved; he glared at me, gave me a horrid, angry look and walked off, leaving me alone. Once he left, I cried. It was at that moment that I felt so lonely. While I realized that I miss what he used to be, I need to respect myself. I need to be on my own two feet and not crawling on my two knees.

The last day of my adventure was spent in Las Vegas. I got my portrait drawn by an amazing artist and got my final tattoo of a butterfly with stars. Then, after watching the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur (great show, btw... you've gotta watch it if you're ever in Vegas) I bought myself a ring that resembles a princess's crown as a final reminder that my prince charming might come my way someday. (Yes, it's cheesy. I'm aware of it but whatever works)

And just like that, my week away was over and done with. I ended up falling asleep on the bus's FLOOR and woke up in New Mexico. While it sucked that things turned sour, I was pretty glad that I'm free until I arrived home at 3 AM local time. When I got off the bus, I was greeted by Alex's dad, and pretty cheerfully too, considering it was 3AM and I resembled Morticia Addams in pink plannel pajamas when I got off the bus. He smiled and offered to give me a ride home but when I told him that my mom was already waiting for me, he offered to carry my luggage to the car. I would have totally taken hi up on his offer, given the bloated state of my suitcase and the 10 plastic shopping bags I had in my hands but I saw the peeved, irritated and 3-in-the-morning-cranky-face that Alex had and I politely declined. Yes I'm free but I'm not stupid. I can do things myself. Alex's mom was smiling, Alex's dad was smiling... everyone except me and Alex. If I haven't said it once, I'll say it again, I am free.; I am free for the rest of the summer. The rest of it is mine... all mine and I can't wait for the rest of my journey.

As always, some days being single are empowering... others defeating. As every broken heart can tell you, it's a groeing process.

Sorry it's long but hey... I was gone for 14 days. =]

Day 68

Well, it's been a long weekend that's had the weird misfortune of being both incredibly quick and horridly slow. Yes. The paradox suits my weekend perfectly.
While I didn't become drum major, I actually became section leader for the Saxophones, my instrument. I'm downright pleased with the way everything turned out.Even more, I've symbolically liberated myself. Right after tryouts, without knowing what the results were I've got what looks like an incredibly booked summer.
I leave for California on Sunday, right after graduation. It's all finally coming to an end I guess...
Then, once I get back I've got band camp (PLEASE don't start with the band camp jokes! lol I'm going because I'm section leader. =P) Then, It's straight to Journalism camp for me. (I got the Editor-in-Chief position =D) Right after that, I've got Senior portraits/American Idol auditions unitl I finally wrap it up with Freshman summer band where I teach the fishies how to march in the band.

It's a whirlwind of summer plans but really, I'm just thrilled I get to escape reality for a bit before I come abck and see Alex. Hopefully, I'll have changed. Hopefully, I'll be more carefree. And hopefully (this is a big Hope) I'll have forgotten him in midst of all the miles I've traveled.

Day 62

Last night was the beginning of some meteorological irony. Just as I was about to go to sleep (or try to at least) it started to rain. Hard. Pouring, thundering, never-going-to-get-you-to-sleep rain. I basically stayed in bed, not able to sleep, thus resulting me to think. And of recent times, every time I'm left alone to think, I think of how I've been left alone. It's pretty bad but right now I'm in no mood to be fully cheery in the "Mary Poppins" way. I can't get myself through that. I've got bigger tasks at hand, like my auditions for drum major. By the looks of it, here's the breakdown (and sorry if I confuse any non-band readers }:)

1 I 've got to play my 12 major scales (by memory) on the sax.
2 I have to create my own custom drill with 12 people in it.
3 I have to create my on fancy shmancy drum major drill.
4 I have to conduct in 4/4, 3/4 , 2/4 and to a song I've never heard before.

It's been a bunch of tedious work but i'm not out of the woods yet. I'll be there soon enough. I just hope things go well.
In the mean time, for the record could everyone around me today PLEASE not bring up Alex today? It's pissing the hell out of me!!!

Day 61... AGAIN

Well, I should've seen this coming. Really I should have. But I didn't. And now I feel stupid. INCREDIBLY stupid. Alex did the most incredibly immature thing, not to mention the last thing I needed. He quit my drill. Right before my performance at my band's Jazz/Mariachi showcase. Right before I was about to sing. I tried to shrug it off but before I knew it I was tearing up, not because HE quit but because I needed 12 people... he was my 12th person. I've put up with WAAAAAYYY too much of his SHIT to have him do this to me. I've worked too hard and come too far to let him ruin it. I swear, I'd give him a big yelling and probably lose over 2 weeks of frustration in 5 seconds with my temper but he's not worth it. I will not let this get in my way.
I am NOT going to let him win.
Yes, I'm hurt and set back a bit but I'm not going to give up. I've found someone to replace him and I WILL do my best. I've got to. This isn't about him anymore. I'm doing this for myself. To hell with him.

Day 61

I'm so close to my day of Definition.
May 28th, 2009
The day of drum major auditions.

I'm scared shitless. Really I am. I haven't had a full practice in the weeks before.
I want this, I really do but right now things are getting tough. It's the part of the challenge when everything is getting tough, but at the same time I'm finding out what I'm made of. Alex, is making this worse. TOTALLY worse. I tried asking (for what seems like the millionth time) if he could please focus on the task at hand and not disrupt my practices. He stated (being the asshole he is) that he's messing with me because it's funny and I'm his prime target right now. GAHHH!!!
I'm only a few days away from being able to actually do something about it (though I swear, my patience and sanity are wearing horribly thin right now) I know I can do this and I know that I've got the skills but right now I need a miracle and being single isn't helping. Especially when my ex is purposely making things difficult.
I'm going to keep fighting though. I can't give up so close to my goal. If I can survive this week then I can do anything. I'm a fighter. I should be. I need to be.


On a positive note, I found this quote by Katy Perry from Perez Hilton.com:

"I don't like being single, no. I live this fantastic life, full of all these magical things, and at the end of the day all I want to do is pick up my phone and share it with someone. The other day I'd sold a million records in the U.S. and I didn't have anyone to tell. It was actually a really lonely moment."

That's kind of what i'm feeling right now. Amen, Katy. Amen. Let's continue to be successful but at the same time, let's hope someone amazing comes our way. (:

Day 58

Songs I've been Listening to TONS lately:

"We Might as Well be Strangers"- Keane
"Keeper"- Yellowcard
"Go On"- Jack Johnson
"Miss You Love"- Maria Mena
"I'm Still Here"-Vertical Horizon


I'm fearing that everything is starting to sound a bit repetitive.
No.
I know I sound repetitive; I've been reading my past entries and it's obvious that I'm wearing thin, repeating the same points time and time again... I miss him but I don't miss him. What's happened to me? It's obvious that I'm not at peace with the outcome of Alex and I (Would you be?) Honestly, the only thing that's come of this event is that I've discovered my strengths and weaknesses...my mind in sanity and dementia... and the music that's come my way.
That's my only consolation. I've rediscovered music out of the want to shut out everything in my life. It's that and completely different standards and junctions define me now. But in a way, I've rediscovered music simply because I've fallen into the habit of blocking out the world with a pair of white headphones and my purple iPod. I've finally ventured out of the swoon-head-over-heels happiness that comes with love songs... the rut I developed when with Alex that he mocks to this day whenever he sees me with my iPod. I've traded Jessica Simpson, some Michael Buble and Miley Cyrus for the lyrical wordplay of Keane, Motion City Soundtrack, Train, Vertical Horizon and Friendly Fires. Then as always, there's the perpetual presence of Switchfoot, my favorite band. I've deleted almost every song that reminded me of Him, for the exception of the songs I loved before he came along. I've become obsessed with the discovery of lyrics... I take words so seriously now. It's obvious I've changed.
Six months ago, I was so happy and carefree. I believed happiness was a permanent state. Now, while I believe happiness does exist still, I see it as a privilege that shouldn't be taken for granted. People should also never be taken for granted. I've become a serious introvert, meditating every night now and heavily focus on mending my own wounds. I'm trying to make sense of everything... still... after 58 days. I'm writing again in heavy and exhaustive concentrations. I'm trying to figure myself out, hold myself together, promising that there's no such thing as being completely alone.

Ha. "There's no such thing as being completely alone..." I hope that sinks in eventually because I need it to.

Day 55, just like I promised

Well, here I am again, just a couple of hours later.

Today I have my band concert, and it gives me a chance to get a day off. Good timing too. I just got my scores back from the ever dreaded Exit level final exams (the ones that determine if I graduate) I'm happy to say that I passed with flying colors., even the dreaded math.

However, everything in my life: The exit level scores, band, trying out for drum major, summer, exc... keeps reminding me of him. And honestly, I feel like I'm missing something. One of my friends says they sense a connection still there. To me it just seems like there's something he didn't tell me. I mean, we have our moments where it's like nothing happened and we're still friends. Almost like before when I was happy. But when both he and I realize what's going on, we go back to our affairs of divorcees and go back to silence.

I hate this but I'm also realistic. I'm tired of wishing that we could go back to what we had but it's not going to happen....
I have to keep telling myself that him and me getting back together is not going to happen.
Why do I want him back?
I need to keep my head high and be mature about this. It makes no sense to wish a guy back. Especially when you're in high school. It's almost immature.

...


Then why am I praying for things to go back to the way they were?!?! TELL ME GOD WHY?!?!
It's not like he's going to hear me, and it's not like he wants me back.

Day 55

Well, I haven't been in much of a mood to write but let me update you on the current atmosphere of how things are going.
1) Drum major practice is a pain. Having Alex in my drill is a necessary evil. When he wants to behave, he's disciplined, brilliant and pretty focused. When he doesn't however (which has been most of my rehearsals) he's immature, unfocused and a downright pain. Even odder, his mom offered to bring an entire cooler of water for all the people helping me out. How can his parents be so civil and amazing and yet he can't??

Ugh.. The bell rang. Later today. I promise.

Day 48

Prom was this past Saturday.
Today was shitty.
I woke up Sunday morning with a sore throat, and now I'm at home with a fever and feeling as sick as fuck. It is NOT the swine flu, I'm positive. But I still feel sick. In comes the loneliness, the emptiness I've been feeling since prom. Now prom was fun and I hung out with my friends like old times but I couldn't help but think that Alex might have actually been there and that's where it hit me. As much as I like Andrew and as much as I thought I'd moved on, I still miss Alex. Both are great guys and both of them decided that it just wasn't going to work with me. It's a complicated feeling to miss two people, one more particularly because of the void they left. This leaves me a bit sad but I'll just have to deal with it.
I had to deal with it today when I had my first drum major practice and half of my marchers didn't show up. I'm glad the other half did but it's hard to control a group when your throat is so sore, your losing your voice. I yelled with intensity, battled the 103 Texas heat and practiced with what I had but now I'm tired, weakened and without a voice. I also had to ask Alex to be in my drill. As much as I didn't want to, he's a quick learner and can concentrate. What surprised me even more was that he actually answered my call and didn't hang up on me... and he agreed he'd be in my drill. Well that's that. I've got to set aside heartache and work strictly buisness this week and next week. I want this so bad, that I've got to keep fighting. Past being sick, past working with the one who broke my heart and past all my boundaries. Even if I don't get it, I can say I gave it everything. Now I just need to see what's going on with Andrew... he hasn't answered my calls today. The friend thing is working, even though I still like him. Hopefully it gets better over time. Well for me at least...

Day 44

The Jury has contemplated and reached a decision, and I've decided that I'm going to live through this. I have to. I've got too much on my mind to suddenly decide to drop everything and be miserable.

In spite of everything and a near brush with ineligibility, I am in the running for Marching Band Drum Major.









That's the person. ^^ The requirements have changed since last year, thus enabeling me to audition this year. I met every single requirement with flying colors. But still. I can't believe it. Three years ago and I was worried about getting a spot. Now I'm worrying about trying out for Drum Major. In a way, it reminds me of when me and Alex began everything but I won't let it. I'm going to try out for drum major ^^

Day 43 [Written 5/6/09]

Now for the most part, you may be wondering what’s been going on since yesterday. Frankly, I don’t even think I’m sure of it myself. I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Maybe then I’ll figure out what’s going on.
Remember Andrew, the amazing guy who lives way too far from me? Remember how I developed feelings for him and how he felt the same way too? Well a few days ago, he brought up the possibility of wanting to call me his girlfriend but he was still unsure. He told me he’d think about it. Right then and there I got incredibly excited. I mean, Andrew’s this incredibly amazing guy, even if he does live so far away. He’s somebody I’d actually set aside everything for and try to work on the whole long distance thing.
So for the next few days, we both started thinking about how to make this work. Don’t’ get me wrong, I was thinking through this whole process pretty hard. I’ve been terrified since Alex yet hopeful too. He was flip flopping between saying yes out of the reason that I was different, yet saying no because of the fact that he was going to college in the fall and because of the 5 hour distance between us. He finally asked me, “I know what I want but I have to be logical. What do you want?” I made a foolish mistake. I really wanted him to stay by my side, and make this work. I wanted him to hold on. I thought he might actually be the one person to actually hold on to me. Instead I said, “Yes, I’d love it if we were together but I understand your reason for just wanting to stay friends. Right there I felt everything change and I knew I lost him. I felt everything warp in that instant. I wanted him, yes, but didn’t put up a fight. I lost.
The next day, after a stressful day which involved being heckled by Alex’s older brother while on assignment for the newspaper and scoring a 4 out of 5 on my AP mock exam, he confirmed what I already knew was going to happen. He said he reached a decision and it was that we should remain friends. “It’s better this way, after all… besides I needed a really close friend who’s a girl.”
I’m still pretty torn up about it but somehow made him think I wasn’t. He thinks I’m perfectly okay with this. I’m not, really but I’ll get over it. Maybe… at least I still have him as a friend. I haven’t lost him completely but I’m fed up with not being good enough for a relationship. Sure, it was the distance that’s to blame for us not being together or even getting close to trying but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just don’t want to tell him how really hurt I am. Then he’ll feel sorry for me and guilty. Nothing ruins a friendship like pity; this was for the best after all, but I’m just hurt.
Alex still isn’t talking to me, despite my attempts to lighten the situation and show that I’m over everything really. But right now I don’t feel like talking to anybody. I’ve been silent most of today, and my cell phone is dead after a long battle of trying to survive me constantly dropping it so I don’t think I’ll be able to talk to Andrew today. The only thing that’s possibly heard more than a few forced sentences today has been my mind, thinking and remembering how almost 2 months ago, I was feeling the hurt just like this. I guess the wounds are reopened again but it’s not a specific hurt, just a general hurt. It’s another lost chance to be happy, another sense of optimism that ends in disappointment. It’s ironic how trying to be optimistic ends in my disappointment while my angst and hurt end in an unexpected happily-ever-after. Maybe in a few days, while I wait to get a new phone, I can mull things over and try to get myself together before I can be friends with Andrew but right now, silence is exactly what I need. I want everyone to go away. The jury’s in recess. Won’t be back for a while. Jury needs to assess the need for someone to prevent isolation while in isolation. It makes no sense but maybe nothing makes sense for a reason.

Day 42 (again)

Read the previous post before you read this...

I'll tell you this much though. I feel defeated. It's a long story but Slowly I can feel everything slipping. I don't like it. Not at all. For once it has nothing to do with Alex. Believe me, it doesn't.

Day 42

Okay... it's convenient how the world chooses to collapse when I'd least like it to.
Today I've had disaster after disaster thrown at me. The school year's wrapping up but still no sign of final exams yet. The only thing that really shows any signs of end-of-year is the posters of people begging for votes for Prom court. That and the chaos of the final issue of the school newspaper, The Herald. My school newspaper. The one that is driving me nuts. I'm pulling last minute interviews, photos and other supposedly nostalgic crap out of a hat trying to make this Senior issue happen. It's not even my Senior year and I'm trying to make this happen. Grr...

There's a bunch of other stuff on my mind beyond that. Stuff I need to really think about but am trying not to over analyze. When I do, I tend to convince myself the worst and I'm really beginning to hate my negative thinking. I really need alot of time to explain everything, to type in print (mainly so I can alalyze the situation myself with my own two eyes) but right now that's what I don't have. Time.
More later...

Day 40

I finally have my first full, free weekend in almost 3 months. No plans, no events. Just lounging in my pj's with my curly hair in my face and a lack of eyeliner. It's nice to be at home with no engagements. I took the chance to clean up my myspace as well as my email.

I discovered I had at least 28 pages of messages from at least last year in my inbox and tons of messages, comments, and pictures from Alex that I haven't had time to delete. I looked over each one and got this pang of a flashback with each one. No sadness, just flashback. Now it's just like, "Oh yeah... I remember that."

I guess you could say what I'm feeling is alot like the song "Never Let You Go" by Third Eye Blind. I've considered that my favorite song of all time since I was about 7 when I first heard it in a hospital waiting room when my grandpa got sick. I've spent alot of my life's moments of revelation in hospital waiting rooms and that was no different. I discovered the song, loved the funny words and it's been stuck in my head since then. Now almost ten years later, I actually looked up the lyrics in written form for the first time and realized what they meant. The song is about a relationship that's no more and life keeps moving forward. In the end, it just becomes a memory in a book and the sting is what makes life better when you think about it. Talk about story of my life sometimes.

Let's be honest: based on me reading back at my past entries, some days are good and I feel like myself. Other days are not so good and I feel alone. The only consistent thought that remains is that I know I'm better without Alex in my life. I do not want to go back to him. I can't because that just means never moving forward. I've fallen for someone so much better than that who's just beyond words. Andrew just adds to my life. Despite the fact that we're not dating, I have a hunch that things would be different if we didn't live so far apart. Even then, he puts a different type of smile on my face. I don't have to try to be anything. I can be myself, vulnerable flawed and all. We can talk for hours a day, weeks on end and not run out of anything to talk about. He's something else... and here I was trying to convince myself that I was imagining that he liked me too.

But even then, meeting someone isn't why I'm happy. I'm happy because I can be myself again. I don't have to be afraid of stepping on eggshells, trying to avoid anything. I don't have to be something I'm not. I'm me again. This summer, I'm going to move with the flow, take no chances and be free. Free... I've been tied down for so long I forgot what that was. Now I can try again, and stop caring about perfection for one second. I'm liberated, even if I have my ups and downs everyday. Moving on is a process. I'm still not out just yet. I know that. But hopefully, this means I'm getting close.

Day 38

Well, I discovered 2 things in the last week.

1) Alex doesn't give a damn if I graduate and it's not his problem if I don't pass my Math final.
2) Alex's brother no longer respects him as a human being and refuses to acknowledge him.

The first I learned when I got incredibly desperate and panicked about my Math final. So desperate, in fact, I asked him for help. He was the only person who ever explained math to me well, and Math's always been my weakness. He litterally told me that in his own words. I'm more pissed and angry than anything, not so much hurt anymore. I mean, I'd help him if he asked for anything. I'm not an ass like him. I ended up taking my test and even though it was a major headache (quite litterally) I'm positive I did my best. My fate however depends on the Education Gods.

The second I found out during lunch. A friend of mine who has class with Alex's brother told me the whole story. I have now discovered the reason for our spilt. All I can say is... THANK GOD. Who knows who I may have become or how trapped I would've been if I stayed with him.

Now to me personally... I've just been hit with the reality of how hard I've fallen for Andrew, the guy I met through band. I called him this morning... and just hearing him groggy yet happy to hear my voice brightened the rest of my day. We're not going out... wrong timing. But it's nice to know I can smile again.

Unitl later readers...
(Oh, btw. I fixed the comment posting. Anyone can comment now. Sorry if it took so long!!)

Day 33

I've just discovered Alex took me off his friends on myspace. I didn't even know, nor did I think he would. It just became known to me today after who knows how long it may have happened. In a way I feel like such an idiot for thinking me and him could have so much happen and still expect for us to be friends. We were incredibly close before we started dating and were really close as a couple. It just seems odd to me that he can be so unattached after everything both he and I have undergone and just leave me with no answers. Just a burned down bridge for no hope on his part to speak to me ever again. Was I really so horrible of a person to just be left without a word? I try to talk to him as a friend, he ignores me. I attempt to wish him a Happy Birthday and he walks away like I'm not there. I give him a chance despite thinking he wasn't my type, and he proves me right.
Maybe it's better this way, just to be given a silent treatment but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. There was so much left in me and where I wanted my relationship to go. There still is so much left of me, just no one to share it with.
The day of my accident, I sat in the emergency room, saying nothing. My stepdad stood by my mom, leaving work and everything for her. I sat alone, absorbed in my own thoughts. I felt like crying the entire time, not because of the accident and the fact that I wasn't breathing right but instead because I knew that even if anyone knew where I was right at that moment, no one was going to rush to my side. Especially not the person I thought I knew. I loved the old Alex. Not the new one who's full of his brother's mannerisms, his new ego, and his freedom of me. The old one who made me happy and admitted he wasn't perfect. The one who I could call at 3AM when I had nightmares and would sing me to sleep when I was tired and couldn't sleep. It was in that emergency room that I discovered that I'm not only hurt and wistful for my past but also exposed, alone and vilnerable. I have friends who insist that I forget about him, that he was never good for me and that people do care about me. I don't deny that any of that is true but it's hard to forget he was just so good to me and it's hard to believe that any friend could fill the special place he earned. He's changed, it's that simple. He's not the same and will never be the same. I am not the same.
I'm living in photographs right now and I've fallen for somebody that has the possibility of being something, except the timing is wrong. He's about to start a new phase in his life and I don't want to hold him back. We both agree that maybe we can give this a try later, and that's what's best. This has nothing to do with Alex and thankfully it doesn't.
I guess you could say I'm in the stage of my life where I'm over it but still living in happy memories. I can't deny they happened, no matter what anyone says. I'm holding on to the happiness, not the person. I'm over the idea of Alex ever being my boyfriend. I'm just not over the idea that there may never be a guy to sing me to sleep ever again, or move the hair out of my face to see my eyes. Could any girl ever get used to that idea?

Day 31

Okay, things have happened.

1] I've survived a month of being without him.
2] I was in an auto accident yesterday. Nothing serious like a totaled car but my mom got some pretty bad whiplash and I still can't breathe without wheezing.
3] Today is Alex's birthday. I tried to with the fucker a Happy Birthday and he ignored me. Again... fucker.
4] I've fallen for Andrew (not Alex's brother)
5] He likes me too but we're not going out. It's too soon.

The funny thing is, I just discovered I have readers and I'm not a rambling idiot. Also, I've got Regionals tomorrow. I've got to studyyyy....

Well, until another day.
Jen

Day 21

It's the day after Easter, and to be honest, I felt like the holiday was taking two steps back. After nights of not being able to sleep and waking up with horrible insomnia, I realized that I was supposed to spend the holiday with Alex and his family. I ended up stranded at my house still not with my own family but my stepdad's clan who really doesn't give a flying rat's ass about me, mostly because I never bothered with the family-like cultural diffusion when my mom remarried and introduced me to them. I saw no need to be diffused when I got isolated into a new territory anyways.
My close friends Victor and Sonia came by to visit though, and it pretty much made my day.Victor's mom lets him go cruising now, so thankfully he came by my house to save me for just a few moments. The one highlight I had besides their surprise visit is the one person who's come to save me over the past few weeks. His name is (ironically enough) Andrew, just like Alex's brother. These two are total opposites though. Alex's brother (thus labeled as Andrew2) is a total.... jerk. Andrew1 is soooo much nicer. He lives really far from where I do, sadly. We met at a drum corps competition last summer, and slowly became friends. Had he not called me during Easter, I probably would've been dying of isolation.
Which leaves me with today. I could not sleep. Again. I've tried everything but I can't bring my body to sleep, much less think and relax. When I do fall asleep though, I wake up to my iPod headphones wrapped around my neck, almost as if attempting to strangle me. Yes. I need a good strangling in the morning. Now I really miss sleep. My friends have all attempted to set me up on blind dates, to meet people and to get back out there. One even offered to set me up with their cousin who lives in Mexico. Mexico! I say it's too soon. I'm just beginning to get used to being alone again. (Well, not really but I'm more comfortable with the term than before) Besides, there's someone on my mind already but my head is arguing constantly about the subject. I want to like him but I also don't want to for fear of setting myself up. Maybe this is what's keeping me up at night. No matter what, I'm adamant: No dating. Not right now. The closest I will get to dating is prom (taking a friend that I've yet to find: Long story) or this new person of interest, may he like me too. (I hope.)
It's tough to start all over again, even more so when you don't want to but have to do something with your life. I can't stay moody and morose forever but.... I still have a hard time admitting the good times are going and that I'm flat out single. I'm at least admitting it now, not like two weeks ago where I was incredibly close to changing my status to "in a relationship" again because I thought the computer was glitched. All I can say at this point is: Now what?

Day 15

Yesterday would have been my 5 month anniversary. And on the eve of that, I began the first of two nights with Alex in my dreams. I talked with Alex more in those two nights of dreams than in two weeks of silence and do you know what's even worse? I don't miss him conciously anymore but these dreams make me think otherwise. Now I understand John Mayer: "when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." I still care for him sadly, and to be honest, I'm at war with myself about it.
This all began on the 4th. I advanced to Regional competition at the District academic meet, the first to do so in my event and 1 of 5 in my high school. And I would have never made it that far (despite 3 years of hard work and a long history with the academics community) if I were still with Alex. 5 months and I didn't improve of progress in anything. I was incredibly happy but did I move forward? Nope. Not as far as my credits show and two weeks of being free and I advance to Regionals, with a possibility for state.
As much as I know that he's not good for me and as much as I know that I can do so much better, subconciously, I still want him back. Conciously, I've moved on. I'm playing the field, meeting new people, texting profusely even, possibly making a connection. Now if only I could move my subconcuious mind to the idea. If anything, there's someone I really like now, who I liked before Alex and tried to convince myself I could forget during Alex but now that's he's here for me now through this whole process it makes me want to say something (finally) after months. But then there's my inner mind telling me not to and to hold out for Alex. Damnit.

Day 11

Alex thinks I'm stalking him. No joke. I wish it were a joke. Apparently, because I've been seeing him everywhere (something I really don't want right now) and have tried to make casual conversation when I do see him in order to rebuild the friendship, he's gone balistic. Let this much be known (and made very clear) to the world. I am not stalking him! I am attempting to move on with my own life and trying to piece everything back together.
I happen to live in a small community with a population of 23,413 people. (an estimated 2,000 is the size of my student body) I've also made it clear that I'm a member in tons of clubs and along with my classes, my commute around campus is pretty hectic. Everyone tends to see me at least once or twice in the day and I've got perfect attendance too to top it off (because God forbid any chaos happen if I'm absent) It's no secret that I've got tons of crap to do and I don't have any time for stalking, much less eating and sleeping! Just because I see him in band and see him around campus and casually say hi every now and then does not make me a stalker! I also hate to sound concited but how important can you think you are to have your ex stalk you? As hurt as I am, I don't have much time to dwell on it. My district academic meet is today, Band is competing next week, Mariachi next month, and then I've got to finalize my summer plans, fundraising for the Junior Class trip, look for a job, focus of SAT's and finals, look for scholarships... the list goes on and on and to be honest, "stalking Alex" is not on that list.
Other than that, the healing process is getting better. I'm talking to other people now and am close to getting a date to prom (I think its a bit awkward for a girl to ask a guy to the prom so I'm going to hold out just a bit, then ask him.) My myspace isn't so depressing and I finally had the strength to delete the saved text messages on my phone. I miss them but why dwell on it?